#1
I can't think in abstract anymore.
I am too forgetful.
I wanted a pet bird, thought it would free my soul.
I trapped it in a cage, where it sings the blues.
So I took a picture, and showed it to every one I could,
"Thats just a bird."

There was this boy, who I could have passed,
I didn't feel anything, but he grabbed my arm and said
"I'm looking for it too." I knew he was wrong,
from the way he held his cigarette.
But I believed him anyways, and we looked and looked
for our escape.
He found his in a dark alley behind a bar, where I left him with
a picture of that bird.
He still sings the blues.


--

c4c? link please
Last edited by inthegreyx at Apr 1, 2008,
#2
Quote by inthegreyx
I can't think in abstract anymore.
I am too forgetful.
a strong opening.

I wanted a pet bird, thought it would free my soul.
I trapped it in a cage, where it sings the blues.
So I took a picture, and showed it to every one I could,
"Thats just a bird."
the three long lines would aid a lot from line breaks, your words are strong, they just need to be brought out more skillfully.

There was this boy, who I could have passed,
I didn't feel anything, but he grabbed my arm and said
"I'm looking for it too." I knew he was wrong,
from the way he held his cigarette.
again, line breaks would be great. the writing is strong again but you need to cut away any excess to bring it out.
But I believed him anyways, and we looked and looked
for our escape.
He found his in a dark alley behind a bar, where I left him with
a picture of that bird.
He still sings the blues.
great closing, brilliant way to end it.


--

c4c? link please
if you wouldn't mind
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=827169
#4
I really enjoyed that, it is short but great. however, I think you should word this-"But I believed him anyways, and we looked and looked for our escape."-a little differently.
But that line doesn't really bring the rest down and like TV Party said, the ending is brilliant and the opening is strong.

Please crit one or both of the songs in my sig.
I prefer the song THEM, but choose the other if you like.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#6
great song, short, but good.

I picture the stanzas with an instrumental break.

Try adding a good final chorus/bridge before the last stanza that you can sing over and over. It makes for a cool song order imo. Kinda prog rock like.
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