#1
intimately bleak,
like jazz arms to needles,
her grasp leaves me senile,
fists banged on formica
counter tops.
complicated,
i'm writing in Kanji,
imagining ghosts,
and shivering silver while
she is completely solemn.
i retreated,
fell from the scape,
missed the ground,
and landed in soothing white.
piece by piece,
beds cut through me
and i am then
sullen.

crit4crit
#2
intimately bleak,
like jazz arms to needles,
I really like this line
her grasp leaves me senile,
fists banged on formica
counter tops.
complicated,
i'm writing in Kanji,
imagining ghosts,
and shivering silver while
she is completely solemn.
i retreated,
fell from the scape,
missed the ground,
and landed in soothing white.
piece by piece,
beds cut through me
and i am then
sullen.
I love the flow that you have in this piece, it's a bit choppy, but that works for it, dreams can be like that, and I think you were trying to get that too. It's hard to pull off choppy flow but I think you did it nicely. I love the transistion of words, bleak, solmn, sullen. Brings it nicely together. I have no issues with this.
#3
Quote by TV Party
intimately bleak,
like jazz arms to needles,
her grasp leaves me senile,
fists banged on formica
counter tops.
complicated,
i'm writing in Kanji,
imagining ghosts,
and shivering silver while
she is completely solemn.
i retreated,
fell from the scape,
missed the ground,
and landed in soothing white.
piece by piece,
beds cut through me
and i am then
sullen.

crit4crit


This was definately nice, but to be honest I just wasnt feeling it. I mean I really cant see much wrong with it, i didnt particulary like the flow, not my style, but I guess it works, other than that its great. However, I didnt really get anything out of it, I guess thats what people were saying on my last piece. I suggest adding a bit more to it to make your message clearer, i honestly dont get what youre getting at. Dont take this the wrong way, I also had this problem on my most recent piece. I like your style, there was really nothing wrong with the writing itself, I liked your images and your vocab, but try painting the message a bit clearer.
Also was this based on a dream? that would explain a few things
keep writing holmes