#1
Don’t you remember?
The first day we met
Held hands all the way through the plains
And gave you my jacket when it started to rain


Don’t you remember?
Our very first date
I showed up at quarter to eight
You weren’t too happy that I was an hour late

Don’t you remember?
Our very first break-up
I was crying for hours
The very next day I bought you flowers

Don’t you remember?
Our wedding day
I was so nervous and you were so nervous
That we almost had to cancel the whole service

Don’t you remember?
Our honeymoon
I took you all the places you’d never been
I swore to you that it wasn’t a dream

Don’t you remember?
When we got that news
The doctors said it could be much worse
But we could tell that it was a curse

Don’t you remember?
Lying in bed
You told me this might be the last day
So all I did that night was pray and pray

Don’t you remember?
The night that you left
I was so sad that I started thinking about
All the times we should have had

Don’t you remember?
I didn’t get out of bed for days
I missed you so much
But at least heavens got one hell of an angel


So this is like a Ben Harper or Jack Johnson kind of song.
C4C
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#2
Quote by The-Trooper94

Don’t you remember?
The first day we met
Held hands all the way through the plains
And gave you my jacket when it started to rain

lol u forgot the "i", other than that good opener

Don’t you remember?
Our very first date
I showed up at quarter to eight
You weren’t too happy that I was an hour late

i love the sequencing. The meeting, the date, the break up. very cute

Don’t you remember?
Our very first break-up
I was crying for hours
The very next day I bought you flowers

awww

Don’t you remember?
Our wedding day
I was so nervous and you were so nervous
That we almost had to cancel the whole service

this is probably my favorite, this song is so sweet

Don’t you remember?
Our honeymoon
I took you all the places you’d never been
I swore to you that it wasn’t a dream


Don’t you remember?
When we got that news
The doctors said it could be much worse
But we could tell that it was a curse

very good transition in the storyline

Don’t you remember?
Lying in bed
You told me this might be the last day
So all I did that night was pray and pray

you don't necessarily need the second pray, just try it with one and if it doesn't work keep the second one

Don’t you remember?
The night that you left
I was so sad that I started thinking about
All the times we should have had



Don’t you remember?
I didn’t get out of bed for days
I missed you so much
But at least heavens got one hell of an angel

haha, i love your language throughout here.

So this is like a Ben Harper or Jack Johnson kind of song.
C4C



Very very good. I love how it tells a story cause that's what songs are made for. Very heartfelt
#3
Quote by The-Trooper94
Don’t you remember?
The first day we met
Held hands all the way through the plains
And gave you my jacket when it started to rain
I like this, nice opening it is sweet without being sappy.


Don’t you remember?
Our very first date
I showed up at quarter to eight
You weren’t too happy that I was an hour late
Good, but I think it should just be "eight" get rid of quarter....


Don’t you remember?
Our very first break-up
I was crying for hours
The very next day I bought you flowers
Again getting rid of very would help with the rhyme flow that I have in my head...

Don’t you remember?
Our wedding day
I was so nervous and you were so nervous
That we almost had to cancel the whole service
Another case of it.... Change it to "we were both so nervous"
Don’t you remember?
Our honeymoon
I took you all the places you’d never been
I swore to you that it wasn’t a dream
This seems fine to me

Don’t you remember?
When we got that news
The doctors said it could be much worse
But we could tell that it was a curse
I like how this leaves you wondering what it was, at first I thought it was about a pregnancy...

Don’t you remember?
Lying in bed
You told me this might be the last day
So all I did that night was pray and pray
Now I see it is getting darker and the transition is impeccable...

Don’t you remember?
The night that you left
I was so sad that I started thinking about
All the times we should have had
Left where? you? These are the thoughts I had, and it is perfect.

Don’t you remember?
I didn’t get out of bed for days
I missed you so much
But at least heavens got one hell of an angel
Then that last line hits you, it is so sad. I love this.

So this is like a Ben Harper or Jack Johnson kind of song.
C4C



So it was an overall great song. It was a love song that wasn't cliched and it was beautiful.

Crit one or both of the ones in my sig, if you would.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
Last edited by mka12992 at Apr 1, 2008,
#4
Don’t you remember?
The first day we met
Held hands all the way through the plains
And gave you my jacket when it started to rain
Nice way of starting your song, I liked it casual and subtle.

Don’t you remember?
Our very first date
I showed up at quarter to eight
You weren’t too happy that I was an hour late
Nothing wrong here, everything works well together.

Don’t you remember?
Our very first break-up
I was crying for hours
The very next day I bought you flowers
Same here as above.

Don’t you remember?
Our wedding day
I was so nervous and you were so nervous
That we almost had to cancel the whole service
In the third line "and" doesn't work well there. Maybe you could try something like: "we were both so very nervous". All in all I don't really like the rhyme here but that's just a personal opinion.

Don’t you remember?
Our honeymoon
I took you all the places you’d never been
I swore to you that it wasn’t a dream

Don’t you remember?
When we got that news
The doctors said it could be much worse
But we could tell that it was a curse

Don’t you remember?
Lying in bed
You told me this might be the last day
So all I did that night was pray and pray

Don’t you remember?
The night that you left
I was so sad that I started thinking about
All the times we should have had
I don't completely understand this line but maybe it's just me. "I was so sad I started thinking of you", weren't you already thinking of her if she passed away that day ?

Don’t you remember?
I didn’t get out of bed for days
I missed you so much
But at least heavens got one hell of an angel

Overall I like the "Don't you remember" thing for every verse. I guess it is one of those pieces that you have to hear the music with it before I can really appreciate it.

Crit for crit ? : http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=827816
#5
i love the idea man.. the whole thing, i think i almost had a tear in my eye at the end.. a very very pretty song, it'd sound great with music.. i'm not really that good at critting or writting, but all i can say is nice job man, its great
#7
Thanks everyone. I'll crit all of yours asap.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#8
When I first started reading it Jack Johnson came to mind. It just comes off as a very rhythmic percussive acoustic song, I guess we both had the same idea on that. I don't like that it's a bunch of verses in a row, I feel like a song like this would need a chorus, but I'd actually have to hear it played out to really decide. It also reminds me of 1000 Times A Day by The Early November. It's a song that has a bunch of verses that tells a very literal story of a relationship, much like this. Keep up the good work!
#9
I was thinking Jack Johnson before I started reading it, probably because of the title, but I can see it being a song he'd sing. I like the way you started every verse with "Don't You Remember" and then build the story on that. Overall I think its a great song, and I think this rhyme was what brought the song up from good to great:

I was so nervous and you were so nervous
That we almost had to cancel the whole service
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Did this actually happen to you? Its really graphic! I didn't like it for a start but its so...real!! Man its actually sad and there aren't many lyrics on there own that can create that kind of feeling. I'm usually really picky when it comes to a song that is based upon simple and deriative themes, but this just strikes the right chord. Its gradual alterations in the story is perfectly paced and the simple but effective and emotional repetitions are what makes this piece so lovely! Simplicist at its best.
#11
you can def. feel it as you read it, that's what i like about it, good stuff.
#12
that sounds pretty cool. i like it. did you kinda take it after "Do You Remember" by Jack Johnson? good song.
on the seventh stanza i think it'd sound better if it was just one pray instead of two.
overall sounds cool. i'd like to hear the music to it
#13
This is very good. everyone before as pretty much covered the main flaws with this song. however, for the verse about the wedding, i think it would flow much better as:

Don't you remember?
We were both so nervous
They almost canceled the whole service

IMO, that just flows way better, because the way i read it your flow is way off. that's all i have..could you crit scar shaped smile? in the sig..
#15
this is a great story.
and would make a great acoustic song.

it would have a nice flow. very bright idea too
"Run like the wind
As excitement shivers up and down my spine"