#1
so here's another ots update on my life. love ya. I'm gonna go check out my other thread and return any comments that were left


I set the spaghetti on fire,
missed the pot when I was pouring,
and I melted a metal cup
in the microwave.
I let my credit cards go unpaid,
as I threw down half my paycheck
for some weak painkillers
and flu medicine.
My brother ran away again,
and no one seems to care this time,
no one knows where he is,
and he isn't even on my mind,
but if I saw him,
I'd unload several fists to his face,
because our parents raised us right,
and he needs to learn his place
in this world he isn't old enough
to be alone in just yet.
he's only seventeen,
and pretty much, a prison veteran.
I've spent all day dying on this bed,
as I coughed up blood,
and downed orange juice,
and ignored phone calls from my parents --
maybe someone's found him,
so maybe I've lost my chance,
to instill some vigilante justice
and make my brother understand
just exactly what he's missed.
and as I lay here,
macking on some girl, who really,
is not pretty enough for me,
I hope they throw him in the army
and he is all he can be:
another statistic on a chart,
whether locked up in a prison or
shot up in the ground.
I've loved him for seventeen years,
but I don't think I do now.
and I think that I'd be better
without him in my life,
I've got a C average
at a state university
and I haven't been arrested,
and I only drink alcohol
when friends are around,
and the cops have let me off
every time I've almost let down
my parents, and everyone I know,
so God, if one of us is going to die,
I think he's the one who should go.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Apr 2, 2008,
#2
Well. Of course, it's a bit personal content wise. Journal-y and ****. The writing was typical you.

It's def ots.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
just make
the lines more
fluid and less like this (probably
a result of writing
this by hand? I'm guessing.)

And I mean this will be ace.
#6
Quote by SilenceEvolves
so here's another ots update on my life. love ya. I'm gonna go check out my other thread and return any comments that were left


I set the spaghetti on fire,
missed the pot when I was pouring,
and I melted a metal cup
in the microwave.
haha. awesome. nice flow, even with the line breaks. I dont know, I probably wouldnt have wanted them on the same line anyway. Sets the scene nicely and a nice bit of subtle forshadowing for whats to come in the piece
I let my credit cards go unpaid,
as I threw down half my paycheck
"as" would mean simultaneous, but the former would take place over a while whereas the latter seems like its a single action. I dunno, just a discrepancy that distracted me.
for some weak painkillers
and flu medicine.
I like that everything is always serene in your work. Dont know what I mean by that, maybe I'll explain it better later, who knows.
My brother ran away again,
and no one seems to care this time,
no one knows where he is,
and he isn't even on my mind,
but if I saw him,
I'd unload several lacerations to his face,
because our parents raised us right,
Great, simple exchanged. DIdnt like lacerations, it was ugly, lots of pronouns, lots of "he" and "I" shrug
and he needs to learn his place,
in this world he isn't old enough
to be alone in just yet,
needed a piece of end punctuation before this, maybe use it to bookend this next short bit with periods? But yea, got rambly here
he's only seventeen,
and pretty much, a prison veteran.
loved the comma here. simple, raw, personal, intriguing, but not beating me over the head with it. Excellent.
I've spent all day dying on this bed,
thinking of all this,
last line needed?
as I coughed up blood,
I would start this line with and too
and downed orange juice,
and ignored phone calls from my parents --
maybe someone's found him,
great
so maybe I've missed my chance,
to instill some vigilante justice
again, this justice part felt awkard and the wording felt out of place in the context. Smooth it out.
and make my brother understand
exactly what it's like to be alone.
eh.
and as I lay here,
macking on some girl, who really,
is not pretty enough for me,
I hope they throw him in the army
and he is all he can be,
Great rhyme, great flow, great statement
another statistic on a chart,
whether in prison or shot up
in the ground,
seems like you could do something more, I dunno, just something more with this idea. Though I guess it feeds into that blunt voice of yours here
I've loved him for seventeen years,
but I don't think I do now,
Great two line exchange, favourite part of the piece
you can only be who you are,
and he is just pathetic.
and without him in my life,
I think my stock'd shoot up,
last line made me cringe, it just didnt fit, specially since I loved the set up and the lines following.
I've got a C average
at a state university
and I haven't been arrested,
and I only drink alcohol
when friends are around,
and the cops have let me off
everytime I've almost let down
my parents,
and everyone I know,
so God, if one of us is going to die,
I think he's the one who should go.Awesome.


Best ending to a piece I have read since one of E Dickinson's really obscure poems about sovereignty.

Great slice of life, great execution. Just needs some cleaning up. I really do miss your writing Corey. It was refreshing.

if you please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825075
#7
thanks guys. especially you synth, i'll hit you up with a crit either tonight if i can't fall asleep or tomorrow when i get home from work.

i made some small edits and will probably work more on this tomorrow.
#8
in this world he isn't old enough
to be alone in just yet.

I thought that read awkwardly.

And I laughed at Macking even though it's a phrase I have never heard of, but I stil got a flavour of it's meaning.

And, yeah, that ending wa swell.