#1
All Alone, without you - Nostalgia


Betrayed by trust
For my endless lust
How could this be?

Could you stay
For one more day
Please don’t leave me….

Chorus:

Here I am
All alone, without you
Here I am
Why couldn’t you stay

I watched you
Every time you walked away
Would I ever see you again?

Could I have been blind?
To be so unkind
All this time
Without you…..

(Chorus twice)

(guitar solo)

Could you stay
For one more day
Please don’t leave me

Now I see
What I could be
All alone, without you…..


written by Raven Rage
#4
In case you forgot to read the rules, you are not allowed to bump.


This is pretty decent, I can see it being in a song, however, lyrically i cant help but feel that its too cliche' Perhaps if the musical side of the song is amazing that will make up for it. But just seeing it on paper. Its very uninteresting.
Swollen fingers of the Bass Militia, PM Dinkydaisy to join

--Gear--
AXE:Epiphone Thunderbird IV, Peavey Fury II, Jackson CB20
AMP:Peavey Pro 500
CAB:Ampeg BXT-410HL4
#5
Quote by orphenshadow
In case you forgot to read the rules, you are not allowed to bump.


This is pretty decent, I can see it being in a song, however, lyrically i cant help but feel that its too cliche' Perhaps if the musical side of the song is amazing that will make up for it. But just seeing it on paper. Its very uninteresting.



Its sorta Yngwie-esque. So yeah its pretty much cliche i agree with that. Its not a final product yet, we are just working with a bunch of diffrent lyrics i've done in the past and now.
#6
I kind of agree on the cliche thing, but I say that not trying to give you a hard time but to give constructive criticism. I notice the lines are very short, perhaps you already have music to it and find this is the best way to make the lyrics fit the song, but I would suggest expanding on the lines, maybe make them a bit longer and if need be break the long lines into two different lines in the melody (not sure if what I'm saying will make sense to you). The lyrics aren't bad though, so it wont hurt if you keep them as they are, just maybe try and expand on what you are saying a bit to make them stand out a bit more!

Crit me back when you get a chance:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=842212