#1
crit 4 crit


Can't u read my eyes
They're saying get me out of here
Don't believe my lies
When I say I am happy here

These chains of mine
are built out of shame and fear
I can't cross this line
I need you to be my hero

Don't trust me cuz im a liar
Can't u see my, my desire
I've built these prison walls, all around me
i wont be free til, til you've found me

i dont know how
i chose the path i did
but i know now
that i cant escape it

now youve brought me hope
i can see light out there
youve let down a rope
i just need to climb up there

Don't trust me cuz im a liar
Can't u see my, my desire
I've built these prison walls, all around me
i wont be free til, til you've found me
#3
Quote by russ33
crit 4 crit


Can't u read my eyes
They're saying get me out of here
Don't believe my lies
When I say I am happy here

i like this verse. good job

These chains of mine
are built out of shame and fear
I can't cross this line
I need you to be my hero

this almost sounds like a choruse but not. i like the chorus you have. if you are going to have this as another verse you should try to make the last line rhyme. otherwise it wont fit with the other stanzas

Don't trust me cuz im a liar
Can't u see my, my desire
I've built these prison walls, all around me
i wont be free til, til you've found me

great choruse i really like it. the repitition is good here

i dont know how
i chose the path i did
but i know now
that i cant escape it

this almost doesnt seem to flow with the poem to me. it sounded kind of choppy compared to the other verses

now youve brought me hope
i can see light out there
youve let down a rope
i just need to climb up there

this is good but you should find a different word than "there" in the last line.

Don't trust me cuz im a liar
Can't u see my, my desire
I've built these prison walls, all around me
i wont be free til, til you've found me



thanks for the crit dude. here ya go. im not much of a critic either this is my first one lol. but ya that one line with "fine" in my poem that stanza took me forever to write i could get it right lol. ill try somethin new when i revise.
#4
i thought it was pretty good, 'be my hero', i thought it may have been a bit more positive.

Good though