#1
3..2..1..0


Seeking Silence on Gallows Eve

I have heard the creaking of necks straining to spy
the gallows fall in an inquisition of eyes,
baiting the lips of man with a needle and thread -
biting their tongues, sitting shyly inside their head.
Whispers wander amongst the crowd, some adorned in white,
the majority robed in black – seeking respite
from the idle chatter they spark with hidden pretense;
their distance insidious, their wish verbatim -
we have all felt the burn at the gallows suspense,
tested the tepid wood with feet suitably numb,
we have reserved our plots to see the next in line;
perching on tip-toe, knowingly creaking our spine.

From behind chattering teeth I whisper the terms –
“shhh, for we are trepidation and we’ve felt the burns.”
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
Dude i like it...thats some deep stuff.It almost scared me reading it...made me feel like some one was watching me.Awesome
#6
Hi Steve!

Welcome back, and all that jazz.
Nice voice in this one, but it feels slightly out of tune.
Maybe it's just my read of it.
Anyway, I'll toss these out there,
and see if any of them are useful.



Seeking Silence on Gallows Eve

I have heard the creaking of necks straining to spy
the gallows fall in an inquisition of eyes,
in just doesn't seem to do the job here.
in view of, before, witnessed by, something more feels necessary.

baiting the lips of man with a needle and thread -
biting their tongues, sitting shyly inside their head.
sitting feels odd to me.
resting, waiting, hiding, ???
necks and tongues were plural, so head needs to be heads.
I think roughening up the rhyme is a small price to pay
for ridding this of the grammatical uneasiness.

Whispers wander amongst the crowd, some adorned in white,
the majority robed in black – seeking respite
The disparity in length of these two lines bothered me a bit,
as did respite. But I looked that up,
and the English pronunciation is a rhyme for white
unlike the American I heard while reading this.
Something was unsettling about majority,
but I can't put my finger on why.

from the idle chatter they spark with hidden pretense;
their distance insidious, their wish verbatim -
we have all felt the burn at the gallows suspense,
tested the tepid wood with feet suitably numb,
These four lines are the only break from the rhyme pattern.
I found it a bit jarring.

we have reserved our plots to see the next in line;
perching on tip-toe, knowingly creaking our spine.
The previous use of creaking was all the way back in the first line.
I suppose that should be enough distance, but it still felt weak.

From behind chattering teeth I whisper the terms –
“shhh, for we are trepidation and we’ve felt the burns.”
hush sounds better to my ears.

Even with the bits that bothered me, it's better than what I write before the boys dice it up for me. Props for that. :]
I don't have anything current, but you know how I feel about your crits.
If any of this was worth you owing me one, that would be like money in the bank.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Apr 2, 2008,
#7
3..2..1..1..2..3


Seeking Silence on Gallows Eve

I have heard the creaking of necks straining to spy
I actually like how the creak here is repeated in the last line of this stanza. It holds it together (which is good, because here you start with neck and you end it with spine. Excellent.)
the gallows fall in an inquisition of eyes,
YEah, "in" doesn't seem right. I don't like how it reads either, the sound of "in an" is, well, a bit pugly.
baiting the lips of man with a needle and thread -
biting their tongues, sitting shyly inside their head.
The baiting/biting alliteration was so much more effective before reading sitting shyly, it totally takes away from those harder sounds here. Really wished it hadn't all gone soft.
Whispers wander amongst the crowd, some adorned in white,
"some adorned in" I don't like the phrasing. It seems far too colloquial and does not feel like it has the discipline. I think you need to be more quantitive, "many" or "few" or something. "some" doesn't cu tit, I don't think.
the majority robed in black – seeking respite
See, some and then majority doesn't contrast enough.
from the idle chatter they spark with hidden pretense;
their distance insidious, their wish verbatim -
Ooh, I love how "distance insidious" sounds.
we have all felt the burn at the gallows suspense,
tested the tepid wood with feet suitably numb,
we have reserved our plots to see the next in line;
perching on tip-toe, knowingly creaking our spine.

From behind chattering teeth I whisper the terms –
“shhh, for we are trepidation and we’ve felt the burns.”

Mmm, this was good, Steve. I quite enjoyed the read, I got something out of it (which is good ) and it read very well. Just the few things I pointed out.


#8



Seeking Silence on Gallows Eve

I have heard the creaking of necks straining to spy
the gallows fall in an inquisition of eyes,
baiting the lips of man with a needle and thread -
biting their tongues, sitting shyly inside their head.
Whispers wander amongst the crowd, some adorned in white,

Everything up to here, as far as I'm concerned was quite good. I don't feel like it was quite up to par with your usual stuff though... it doesn't have the same "content punch" that I've come to expect from you. There isn't that "in your face, I've done my research" feel that most of your pieces have. It was somewhat relieving, but at the same time your style and diction are well suited to the other type... so this feels a little bit like a let down. Also, Spy and eyes seemed a little weak... but forgivable.

the majority robed in black – seeking respite

This was single-handedly my least favorite part of the entire piece. It killed the flow, it was meh. I didn't like the staccato the dash gave, I didn't how you made the garment color the focus of the line (in the above line it wasn't) and I generally just didn't like this line (if you couldn't tell).

from the idle chatter they spark with hidden pretense;
their distance insidious, their wish verbatim -
we have all felt the burn at the gallows suspense,
tested the tepid wood with feet suitably numb,
we have reserved our plots to see the next in line;
perching on tip-toe, knowingly creaking our spine.

I didn't like that the "whispers" multiplied to chatter. It seems minute... but in a piece that is this detailed, that sort of detail mis-match sticks out. The rest was good until the last line. I didn't like the repetition of creaking. I know it is supposed to be like that, and I know you are too good to make some sort of silly mistake by using it twice... but it still stuck out to me as wrong for some reason.

From behind chattering teeth I whisper the terms –
“shhh, for we are trepidation and we’ve felt the burns.”

Again, didn't like the reuse, especially with this one. Chattering and whispering don't really go together for me. Chattering is a loud obnoxious deal... where teeth are clacking together... and whispering is soft... and can't be heard over loud and obnoxious. I know this is being picky, but at the same time all of this really did stick out to me.

On the whole, its another solid piece. Some details that bothered me, obviously, but still infinitely better than anything I produce. Sometimes I really would like to see what your writing would look like if it weren't for the verboseness though... but I suppose that is your style and catch.

Well, if you get a chance, a read and comment of the equation ones in my sig would be appreciated... but Iknow you are a busy man. So don't worry too much about it.

-zC