#1
Milo was but a little lad
Saying his prayers before his mummy tucked him in
Bless Daddy and Jenny and Oliver too
Send my wishes to the weak
Help my find my forsaken shoe

When he was through, God took the cue
And a bright shining comet flew through the dark
Little Milo ran out, but he was too late
His star was gone
And he closed the gate, accepting the fate

Little Milo grew up, he bought lots of fancy clothes
He still said his prayers
Bless the brokers, the lawyers, and the politicians too
He worked a 40 hour week
And had 3 pairs of shoes

His daughter went away one night
He went for a walk around the block
In hopes of cleaering his head
He walked a steady pace in the dark black night
Looking into a sea of red

He shed a few tears, looking up at the sky
Asking quite loudly, Why God Why?
God took no cue, and no birds flew
And yet a solitary comet
Milo did view

Milo asked the comet a question
And received no reply but a shine
This is now all, thought Milo
Left of the divine

So Milo went after the comet
He ran as fast as he could
To follow the only star
that he thought of as worthy
To go so far.
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the cake this morning!

yeah, that's an inside joke. i made it different colors and sizes to be obnoxious...
#2
I see a lot of potential in this. You have a good closure and some arguably strong ideas here.

I see a few negative points however ;

-Some of your rhyming is all over the place. In stanza two, by example. L1 and L5 seem forced to me. Internal rhyming can often be your friend, but the inconstancy of you scheme here killed you. You can go 3 lines without a rhyme and then get three of them within a line and a half. It kind of kills the flow and more importantly, the reader loses a bit of interest.

-What about your main character. Milo, right? I know you wanted to make him the typical guy. With typical characteristics. Well I can say you succeeded for sure, because I found him to be somewhat boring. You need to help your reader a little more on personification here. Stay generic, but be more precise. Bring in a detail or two. Your third line in the first stanza did a great job at that. I just felt like you let me down and on my own from that point on though.

You had a nice idea going with the shoe thing, but it seems like you haven't been able to pull it off how you wanted, right?

Anyways, like I first said, this has a lot of potential. With a little more description, a slight vocabulary extension, this could be a great piece (I thought of stanza 4 in particular to be quite bland). Definitely keep posting on here .

-Mathieu