#1
i wrote this when i was drunk. its based off this weird voicemail i received recently. the guy was just pitching some propaganda, idk it was real weird.


'germ free?
eco-friendly?
contact me.
983-4353.
we can talk about aliens,
funny looking vegetables,
comfortable couches,
spray paint our outlines on my kitchen walls.
we're just feeding ghosts charcoal and cinnamon,
gargling adjectives,
can't spit them out so we swallow them.
a grain of salt,
a bundle of vitamins,
kindling for muscle tissue,
bone density,
finger dexterity.
smarter,
stronger,
still indecisive.
jumping over puddles of menstruation,
bathtubs full of pregnancy tests
and forgettable semen.


heaven or hell?
i'm indifferent,
whichever has more comfortable seating.'
Last edited by rushmore at Apr 3, 2008,
#2
wow. thats amazing
nick_b is currently obsessed with:
Pokemon
Pinch Harmonics
12/8 timing
7/8 timing
Lamb of God
Rise Against
Regina Spektor
Dream Theater
and many others...
#4
yeah the way it reads is similar to fitter happier, i definitely see that, but the concept and meaning are different i believe. thanks to both
#5
I didn't like the beginning much much.
I didn't like funny looking vegetables.
Although I see how it could connect,
it didn't make it for me.
"A grain of salt"?

The last 6 lines were
so awfully powerful it nearly hurt.
I could pretty much hate you for that but
I'll just say hey, great writing.
#6
i have to disagree with circular.parade.
imo the 4-line sales pitch at the beginning was hilarious. so relatable.

the rest of the rant kinda got a little boring, but still provoked my curiosity to keep reading.
we're just feeding ghosts charcoal and cinnamon,
- beautiful.

you did however, wrap it up quite well in the end. my doubts were curbed right back to the validity of the beginning. - i thoroughly enjoyed the last 3 lines.

peep my ****e üldözési mánia.
#7
Drunk or not, this was great.

It's a hard one to crit, given the circumstances and it's style, so I'll just say that I liked it. The majority of what I think are my best pieces were written while shit faced.


Speaking of which, I have one floating around, if you'd be kind to just leave a comment saying "pickle" or something.
Poor advice.
#10
Quote by DieKrupps
it gave me something to read....... thumbs up for effort.



wtf?
#12
Wow, I liked that, and it's weird that people can still write while drunk.

Is this-"heaven or hell? i'm indifferent, whichever has more comfortable seating."- part of the whole thimg?

If you wouldn't mind crit one or both of the lyrics in my sig.
I wrote a song about war...
The kind that lives in your head.
#13
thanks. ill be returning crits tonight. and yes the heaven and hell part is the ending..