#1
ots, I just had to write this. sorry. Tons of changes to be made, I suppose

__________________________________

There were Christian crosses and loud music.
Conversation eggs.
"I hope I get to meet god before I die", I said.
Distracted table nodded.
They were as interested as me ;
I was just building a facade.
"Words are rock solid"
What?
"Words are like bricks, if you throw them hard enough"
I smiled.
Unlike the company, I've never been much
Interested in Great Whites.
Hell, I wasn't even baptized.

"I don't see things."
What's that?
"I only see words. You're an artist, right?"
he was cracking.
"I mean, it's not concrete supporting my feet.
It's hundreds of thousands of letters 'f', 'l', 'o' and 'r'. "
I stared.
"It's the same with that bar. And that glass. And it's filled with..."
Yeah, I get it.
He was craving.
"So what do you see when you see me?", I asked.
He got up and went for a breathe.
Something holy, probably.

Then, there was a lot of swearing,
strobe lights and more
loud music. Drugs. More company.
Nothing really attention-worthy
although it would make up for
a pretty nice poem,
wouldn't it?

When we got out, I saw the conversation guy
Talking to himself and
Smashing his head against the strip-club wall.
Disconnected and awfully right,
in a reality where words were bricks and bricks were words,
bleeding diluted blood from his Great White nose.
#3
I really liked that. Had great flow, and there was no filler, all good.
hoimhi0et0hm03oi
#5
I enjoyed it.

Might come back tomorrow.
Last edited by samoo at Apr 3, 2008,
#7
If this is on the spot, then you're a genius my friend. Wow this is good. I liked every bit of it, and it feels pretty well structured. Probably my favourite thing I've read by you, although I did like that one you did about your friend's paragliding adventure

Good stuff Mat.
#8
My latest is fine. I'd love more comments added to the previous 25 or whatever, especially yours. its the equation.

Finally found time:

Quote by circular.parade
Tons of changes to be made, I suppose

Lies.


There were Christian crosses and loud music.
Conversation eggs.
"I hope I get to meet god before I die", I said.
Distracted table nodded.
They were as interested as me ;
I was just building a facade.
"Words are rock solid"
What?
"Words are like bricks, if you throw them hard enough"
I smiled.
Unlike the company, I've never been much
Interested in Great Whites.
Hell, I wasn't even baptized.

Only thing sI didn't like here was the "I said." I know it was necessary... but you can find someway to say that doesn't stand out as such a "he said, she said, mom ran." deal. I also didn't like the "What?" line. I feel like it didn't add too much. We already know it was a strange idea... give us some credit. If you feel like you need a filler between the two "rock" lines... you should be able to use something a little more additive to the story.

"I don't see things."
What's that?
"I only see words. You're an artist, right?"
he was cracking.
"I mean, it's not concrete supporting my feet.
It's hundreds of thousands of letters 'f', 'l', 'o' and 'r'. "
I stared.
"It's the same with that bar. And that glass. And it's filled with..."
Yeah, I get it.
He was craving.
"So what do you see when you see me?", I asked.
He got up and went for a breathe.
Something holy, probably.

Beautiful. The story in this is so gripping and so tangible. It feels like I'm talking to one of my pothead friends on a "good" night. Nothing here I didn't like... it just works so well.

Then, there was a lot of swearing,
strobe lights and more
loud music. Drugs. More company.
Nothing really attention-worthy
although it would make up for
a pretty nice poem,
wouldn't it?

Ok... this stanza is the one I feel is holding this piece back from being truly overtly exceptional. There is a tone change and an idea shift. You drop from following this one conversation and guy to the club scene. You also change into an almost cynical tone about your surroundings, which up until nowhas been sort of implied, but not flushed out and bluntly put. This whole thing really didn't add a lot to me. Feels like you could have put so much more into here to truly develop this... or you could have just tacked a short idea to the end of the last stanza that moves you outside the club to move the story on, instead of introducing new characters that you never use... and switching to the joking tone of "pretty nice poem, eh?" which feels like I should be listening to a drunken friend do and then he nudges me wiht his elbow and I punch him for nudging me really hard... etc. I think you get the idea.


When we got out, I saw the conversation guy
Talking to himself and
Smashing his head against the strip-club wall.
Disconnected and awfully right,
in a reality where words were bricks and bricks were words,
bleeding diluted blood from his Great White nose.

Wonderful.



La Dee Da. Good work mate. And as I said above... the equation one is really important to me, and any comments would be appreciated when you get a chance.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 3, 2008,
#9
Quote by rush4life
If this is on the spot, then you're a genius my friend. Wow this is good. I liked every bit of it, and it feels pretty well structured. Probably my favourite thing I've read by you, although I did like that one you did about your friend's paragliding adventure

Good stuff Mat.


that's golden
like, seriously


I'll return crits tomorrow, promised! Thanks a bunch Zach, I'm still mixed up on that third stanza though. At the same time, the change in tone was intentional, I just wanted to skim through a part of the story that the narrator thought of as useless, boring, etc. I probably should have found a better way to do it. I'll try and think it through. I'm having a hard time with ellipses in writing :S
Thanks again
#10
I liked this a lot . I think the only thing that let it down slightly was the 'thought it could make up for a pretty nice poem, couldn't it?'. I especially liked

'"It's the same with that bar. And that glass. And it's filled with..."
Yeah, I get it.
He was craving.
"So what do you see when you see me?", I asked.
He got up and went for a breathe.
Something holy, probably.'

OTS? Wow .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
It's great. I'm probably missing something obvious, but I don't really understand how Great Whites fits in. Is it supposed to be a play on words because that seems to describe the typical human vision of God? Or something else entirely?

Other than that, I thought it was good. I disagree with ZanasCross I think the "What?" should be kept in there. It personalises things slightly to hear the character's thoughts.

The club part seemed slightly disconnected from the rest, but I still liked it. You don't have to crit mine as I haven't said much, but if you decide you're feeling nice or have some time to spare:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832899
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#13
ots, I just had to write this. sorry. Tons of changes to be made, I suppose

__________________________________

Okay, I did have some problems with this, I wouldn't go as far as some have with their praise for this though of course, it has it's moments.

There were Christian crosses and loud music.
considering the lines in the lattr part of this stanza I'd want something more in this opening line to really set the scene and knnow what we're to be not iterested in. Yes, it could just be a party with some odd religious character to it, but I think there should be somerhing for central here than that.
Conversation eggs.
I take it "eggs" is the adjective for how the conversation is going, and I like it, though I think give the other tenses it should be "egged", which is a really ugly word but could also emphasise your atmosphere in this place. I also think a semi-colon would work better here, as it shows that th enext line is more of an example of this statement and in that case gives this statement slightly more purpose than it has.
"I hope I get to meet god before I die", I said.
Being ever so slightly traditional I'd prefer a capital G for God. Picky, I know.
Distracted table nodded.
This line was really interesting. It makes you just stop and think, and it's bluntness and quick to-the-point style really helped it. Excellent characterisation of background characters.
They were as interested as me ;
This line seemed a bit vague because we don't really know for sure what you may not be interested in yet. (see first line)
I was just building a facade.
"Words are rock solid"
What?
I love this sort of thing. Cycnical sort of narrator. I also like te first line because it adds this crazy new dimension to the piece that it is also some facade for something else.
"Words are like bricks, if you throw them hard enough"
This re-iterates the above point, which was well done. Also a great line.
I smiled.
Unlike the company, I've never been much
Interested in Great Whites.
I go for my own meaning with great-white. I could take a guess at this and the next line.
Hell, I wasn't even baptized.
Yeah, I really liked these lines. I am so glad you kept up with the organised religion metaphor because it really shows great depth in thought in how to portray this reptitive party-type atmosphere which (I think) is being presented, and especially how it ties in with the drug use.

"I don't see things."
What's that?
The second line here felt a bit out of place. Though I love how it connotes you were possibly falling asleep, the wording of it in connection tot ehf rist line doesn't fit well.
"I only see words. You're an artist, right?"
he was cracking.
Great use of cracking.
"I mean, it's not concrete supporting my feet.
Conccrete felt way, way too obvious here. the earlier part words like bricks was great because it felt subtle. concrete is thrown in too obviously and I didn't like it. It's almost as if you wee trying to force it down my throat.
It's hundreds of thousands of letters 'f', 'l', 'o' and 'r'. "
I stared.
"It's the same with that bar. And that glass. And it's filled with..."
Yeah, I get it.
He was craving.
"So what do you see when you see me?", I asked.
He got up and went for a breathe.
Something holy, probably.
Eh, this part was rather dull. The last two lines I felt seemed too juvenile, and there are too many short sentence sin this last part which breaks up the rhythm. I felt the cleverness had gone in these lines. Perhaps re-think of ways you could put this part of the narrative whilst still tying it in to the images and themes that began in the oepning stanza?

Then, there was a lot of swearing,
strobe lights and more
loud music. Drugs. More company.
This was good. The shortness of speech here is great when in contrast with how long a period of time has probably passed.
Nothing really attention-worthy
although it would make up for
a pretty nice poem,
wouldn't it?
This part sucked. I mean, really sucked. You pointed out what you basically showed with such subtley in the first three lines. These four lines can be thrown away, not even re-written I think. This stanza just needs one more line to define some sort of time period, but not too bluntly.

When we got out, I saw the conversation guy
"got out" is really ugly, I think. "conversation guy" was cool, tough I think "the" should be "that" to solidify that it's the same person.
Talking to himself and
Smashing his head against the strip-club wall.
I wouuld have much preferred it if you were just at a party, and the bar was actually a keg or something. Strip-club comes from almost nowehere, you don't allude to nakedness hardly at all (ok facades could relate to this but I don't want it to), you could have dropped some subtle hints, used some more risque words and double entendres to try and get this across, but you didn't and I feel let down that I know it was in a strip club when that did not come along enough. You don't have to tell us about the girls, just use some semantics that could get across those images, almost as if they were in the background. Some of the best ways to do that would be talk possibly about some body parts more, lips are always great (even if it's the guys lips lol), just try and get some sort of undercurrent of sexual energy in the piece. I was let down that this idea didn't come across earlier on.
Disconnected and awfully right,
disconnected I didn't like beecause of it's modern connotations with the net and you don't want that here. Many more ways you could put this.
in a reality where words were bricks and bricks were words,
bleeding diluted blood from his Great White nose.
This is one of the more striking images here, and that is in a uge contrast with the rest of the piece. I liked it, could give a personal meaning to you and leaves it open for the reader.


I got something out of this which is great, and I hoped I left you a few pointers if you go to revise this, or maybe just in general for the future.

Thanks Mat