#1
üldözési mánia.


once.
many.
again.
never.
shall i describe
the infinity to you?
the twelve step
octavia,
nestled in the boldness of
seven.
perfection;
man at his finest,
desecrating the cradle,
ascending to fables
created by the unknown
architechts of
civilization.
or so we've read.
wisdom atrophied
by theories,
and theories
created from
knowledge;
the masses
forever amused.
confused.
abused.
bruised solarplexis
of the alpha;
omega spiraling,
and i'm churning
in the middle.
we. us.
bound third eye;
it stays shut.
until?
...
separate entanglements
of bewildered endazzlement;
punctual persons,
intuitive vagabonds.
meaningless repeatedness
of sociology
before;
always yearning for more.
opening mouths.
stammering feet.
acid-rain clouds.
lost beauty of eden;
all subject to...change.
an educated guess?
nothing more.
etc.
etc.


a parrot and i made friends today.
thought nothing of it.
(nothing of it.)
wonder what i could find to make sense today?
'cause i'm above it.
i ****ing love it.
i'll eat all my pot before the pigs show up.
i'm just stoned.
i'm all alone.
no more questions now, i'm shutting up.
it was all a ploy.
you're paranoid.
#2
It's a bit confusing and weird, but certainly original
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
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#3
Very original, Interesting, and I really like it.


Nice job!

Do you have any musical ideas to go along with those?
#5
thanks all, if there's anything that anyone wants me to crit - let me know.
#6
i think the first stanza lacked in creativity. the structure and flow was definitely pretty original and just the style, but it seemed lacking. the rest though i would say was pretty great. especially the last two stanzas.
#7
writer of the week. no wait, YEAR.
Quote by Kensai
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#8
Quote by jallas
writer of the week. no wait, YEAR.


+1.

Alice has an eye for talent. :']
#10
:O That's amazing. That honestly is the best piece of writing I've laid my eyes upon for a long, long time.
#11
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I have to say this piece (epsically the first stanza) was really strange. In the first stanza it seemed like the narrator was jsut giving off a bunch of random thoughts with little coherency. It did seem kind of confusing, but it made sense at the end because we find out the narrator is high. I think that helps the piece stay down to earth, since a lot of the times it seems to be way out there. If the last verse was not there, I would have thought of the narrator as beinng some overly rpetentious guy with a PhD in philosophy or something. But because of the last verse, we know that the narrator is just some dude who got stoned, which like I said before helps the poem feel more real. Anyways, I've ranted on enough. Nice job, man.
#13
"i'll eat all my pot before the pigs show up"

yeah, and i thought some of my lyrics were random. lol
#14
Quote by ottoavist



once.
many.
again.
never.
shall i describe
the infinity to you?
the twelve step
octavia,
nestled in the boldness of
seven.
perfection;
man at his finest,
desecrating the cradle,
ascending to fables
created by the unknown
architechts of
civilization.
or so we've read.
wisdom atrophied
by theories,
and theories
created from
knowledge;
the masses
forever amused.
confused.
abused.
bruised solarplexis
of the alpha;
omega spiraling,
and i'm churning
in the middle.
we. us.
bound third eye;
it stays shut.
until?

To be honest, this whole part felt throw away to me. You didn't really say anything. I mean, you hit a few points here and there... but the line breaks hurt your flow, hurt your ideas and generally turned the volume of this stanza down to almost nothing. What was there wasn't ground breaking or overly amazing. It was just there.

...
separate entanglements
of bewildered endazzlement;
punctual persons,
intuitive vagabonds.
meaningless repeatedness
of sociology
before;
always yearning for more.
opening mouths.
stammering feet.
acid-rain clouds.
lost beauty of eden;
all subject to...change.
an educated guess?
nothing more.
etc.
etc.

This however, was class. It begs for adoration... so here it is... this struck me well, it made me feel, the line breaks work wonderfully, you actually made a point and this was generally very good.

a parrot and i made friends today.
thought nothing of it.
(nothing of it.)
wonder what i could find to make sense today?
'cause i'm above it.
i ****ing love it.
i'll eat all my pot before the pigs show up.
i'm just stoned.
i'm all alone.
no more questions now, i'm shutting up.
it was all a ploy.
you're paranoid.

Everything after "I'm above it" was... well, simply put, awful. It was terribly cliche, terrible forced rhyming, it was elementary. It simply brought this whole piece down. To end on such a weak note is to beg the reader to question what he really thought about your poem. If he was on the edge of liking it, as I was, he's going to leave thinking... "It wasn't that impressive," simply because your ending was such a weak point.


To be honest, I didn't enjoy this very much. You show so much promise, but you've done what I do sometimes, and pack a bunch of beautiful ideas and line in between a weak starting and ending (given your strong parts are infinitely stronger than mine). Keep working. This wasn't terrible... but at the same time, I'm not going to be reading it again for enjoyment, if you get what I mean.

Hope that helps. Anytime you see one of mine you haven't done, feel free to jump on it, I'll always appreciate it.

-zC
#15


just to elaborate.... i don't know if you caught the interpretation zC. whether or not it changes your mind is a different story - i appreciate the crit.

the whole piece is a disoriented thought collage of a stoner talking to himself. at first his mind is opened up to the world around him, and he drifts quickly through the realization that he can never figure out what the hell he's talking about, and as the points he makes start to make more and more sense, he shuts up.

the forced rhyming at the end: wasn't really supposed to sound forced, just like he wanted to end on some sort of high note in this ridiculous rant, but couldn't; so he squeezed out every bit of comprehension to what was going on.

tiny bit of insight...
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 5, 2008,
#16
I did catch most of that while I was reading... I'm dense, but it was fairly laid out. And I can sort of appreciate what you were trying to do. However, I still stick to all my points about the first and third paragraphs... specifically the last six or so lines of the third paragraph... honestly those lines are hands down the worst I've read in any of your pieces. I don't mean to be an ass... but I don't think I can explain to you how much those ending lines hurt the piece IMO.