#1
The man woke up in a room, it was dimly lit.
He was confused as to why he was here.

The darkness was a veil,
He wasn't sure what the room would reveal.

Reaching for the light switch, a hand grabbed his arm.
"The room is to remain dimly lit,"
Spoke a voice. (..though it is not known to whom it belonged)

The man could not see anything,
He could not see in this dark room.

He did not know what was going on around him.

The man wanted to see everything,
He could not stand this dark room.

The man found a rope,
And pulled it down.
When the curtain was raised,

His eyes were blinded by the light.
His eyes, blinded by light,

Could not make out right from wrong.
Everything was a blur.

He remained in the room, unable to use his sight.

The man thought to himself,
"I wish it was still dim."
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#2
I actually quite like this, it doesn't flow very well the choice of words could be better to better keep the syllables more consistent and perhaps get some rhyming couplets in there. All that aside, the whole idea of it and the characters involved (man who pulls the arm away saying the room should remain dim) is pretty weird and cool and I have a fetish for weird eerie stuff so I liked it!

See what you can do to be more creative with the words!

Good luck
#3
It isn't really a song
that could explain the lack of flow. I agree on the word choice. I'm not the best with them.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#4
I think this drags on for too long. You're trying to say too little in too long.

The fourth, fifth and sixth stanza, add about nothing to the piece. You repeat stuff, in a bland way. I liked the concept for the ending, but I thought the beginning was lacking either eloquence or any poetic value. Your whole story is a metaphor here, so throwing in some other writing devices can only help to make this piece stand together as a whole.

If you want me to go in deeper, tell me. I could do a stanza by stanza critique, but I feel like I just summed my thoughts pretty well. It's good to see you in S&L though.
#5
Quote by circular.parade
I think this drags on for too long. You're trying to say too little in too long.

The fourth, fifth and sixth stanza, add about nothing to the piece. You repeat stuff, in a bland way. I liked the concept for the ending, but I thought the beginning was lacking either eloquence or any poetic value. Your whole story is a metaphor here, so throwing in some other writing devices can only help to make this piece stand together as a whole.

If you want me to go in deeper, tell me. I could do a stanza by stanza critique, but I feel like I just summed my thoughts pretty well. It's good to see you in S&L though.

4, 5, and 6 were supposed to be a change in focus. Thanks for the critique though. I don't write often, this type is really different from what I have written. I'm sure the metaphor is somewhat obvious.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....