#1
kid, white-nosed
black-bellied
lies out, cold, on the decking.
one too many.
thirteen not.

inside, downstairs loo,
cramped and stinking rotten.
hands grab thighs
and tongues mistake eyes for lips.
teeth clench, balls wrench
stuff sticks.

hallway, front door
some uninvited punk
trying to score a come-on-in.
offers voddy, two bottles.
gets an okay.

upstairs, parents bed
being defaced by
face on front-bottom fun.
well, they're trying to enjoy tonight too.

landing, just under the window
man-come-boy sobbing on the shoulder
of a friend-soon-shag.

new years eve, april second,
another twelve months beckon.
we'll fall to rock bottom, arse over tit
till our kids are conceived over
someone else's shit.


ots. Pwomise a C4C, if you put some thought into it. Zach, I'm maing the time to get to yours, I prom-diddly-omise. Anyone I miss form last time?
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 6, 2008,
#2
wow, quite different from your usual.

I have to run now, but I'll get to this very shortly.

I think I enjoyed it a lot. Yeah, I'll be back.
#3
kid, white-nosed
black-bellied
I have no clue to what this meant. :[
lies out, cold, on the decking.
one too many.
thirteen not enough.

inside, downstairs loo,
cramped and stinking rotten.
hands grab thighs
and tongues mistake eyes for lips.
teeth clench, balls wrench
stuff sticks.
such a pretty, pretty picture.

hallway, front door
and some uninvited punk
do you really need and?
is trying to score a come on in.
is causes this line to lose
the choppy phrasiness we've been enjoying.

offers voddy, two bottles.
gets an okay.

upstairs, parents bed
being defaced by
face on front-bottom-fun.
should this be face-on?
well, they're trying to enjoy tonight to.
too

landing, just under the window
he sits, not standing for the sways.
it's crap, he cries, she's gone and left
but fuck her, fuck'er, I'm better off, don't care.
if you use the size command instead of italics,
you can defeat the censor with less fucking annoyance.

though no-one's there.

new years eve, april second,
another fucking twelve months beckon.
we'll fall to rock bottom, arse over tit
till our kids are conceived over
someone's shit.

oh. bollocks.
The ending fit, but really didn't add all that much.
Not a wow read, but not-so-bad either.
PM me when you put film up. ;]
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
kid, white-nosed
black-bellied
lies out, cold, on the decking.
one too many.
thirteen not.
Quite a sad picture here in the beginning. Well written, a lot of implied and suggested images. "Thirteen not" didn't quite make a lot of sense to me at the beginning, but I kind of found a meaning of my own.

inside, downstairs loo,
cramped and stinking rotten.
hands grab thighs
and tongues mistake eyes for lips.
teeth clench, balls wrench
stuff sticks.
Brilliant, brilliant semi-rhyme here. Lips/sticks. You really paint vivid images, this piece is speaking to me.

hallway, front door
some uninvited punk
trying to score a come-on-in.
offers voddy, two bottles.
gets an okay.
I wish I had something bad to say . This was ace.

upstairs, parents bed
being defaced by
face on front-bottom fun.
well, they're trying to enjoy tonight too.

landing, just under the window
he sits, not standing for the sways.
it's crap, he cries, she's gone and left
but fuck her, fuck'er, I'm better off, don't care.
though no-one's there.
Okay you have quite a change in tone with this stanza. Way more straightforward. You kind of lost me the first few time I read it. I didn't like the "I'm better off" part up to th e end of that stanza. It felt very weak compared to what you had up to now. The swearing was a little over the place, too, although I could easily justify it.

new years eve, april second,
another fucking twelve months beckon.
we'll fall to rock bottom, arse over tit
till our kids are conceived over
someone's shit.

I thought "someone" here was a little weak. I looooved the rhyme in L1/2 though. Overall, nice ending.

oh. bollocks.

I just wish you did without that ^. Last line of last stanza was a way better ending, in my book. Just ease up a bit on the swearing in the second to last stanza and it's going to be helluva lot effective.



This wasn't the best crit ever, but I said I'd get back to it. I loved it all the way to the second to last stanza, which, mind you, wasn't entirely bad. I just felt tossed around as a reader.

Minor touch-ups here, and you have yourself a première classe piece .

Take good care jamie,
-Mathieu
#5
th th thanks Mat and Syk, I'll get back to you's both.

I kinda realised I actually have little to write about than that wihch goes on in the town.

kinda sad, in a way. Then again, real.