#1
Another long one... mostly completing what I started last time. The other one wasn't meant to stand alone entirely, but I wasn't up to writing this part yet. We'll see how it goes. Here's part 1: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825406

c4c


Roof top, going down.

"Hey elevator, I'll race you to the ground." And with that, I'm off.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when facing death.
Second grade, first kiss.
Fifth grade, first fight.
Seventh grade, car accident.
Senior year, graduating.
Now, elevator ride.

That was quick. Five milestones in twenty years, and my psychiatrist
wonders why I need happy pills.

Fiftieth Floor, going down.

In some strange way, I feel connected to mini-skirt and plaid boy.
They have an entire life ahead of them of fucking and fighting,
loving and hating, screaming and whispering, children and grandchildren.
There's no envy here though. I've taken control of my life, there's only one
thing we can ever truly control, and I've taken the bull by the horns.

Fourty-fifth floor, going down.


Terminal velocity is setting in, that's the physics major in me... always wondering
how shit works. I'm guessing air resistance is about point five,
which would make terminal velocity nineteen point six meters per second,
which would make my impact have set force ifI hit in a time of less than a
millisecond... a bitter taste floods my mouth. Birdshit.
God officially hates me.

Third floor, going down.

Steve the ice cream man with the push around refrigerator trolley and three kids
glances up at me. Face contorting into some form of either concern or sudden
constipation, I can see his lips utter stupidity, "stop." Like I have a choice at this
point; I do feel a bit guilty though, I hate to leave orphans around...
they tend to annoy us middle-class people by asking for quote-unquote, "bread."
My ADD kicks in, "I hope I land in vanilla... if I died in chocolate ice cream,
the irony of me not liking chocolate will be all people talk about."

First floor, going down.


Hi Steve, it's nice to meet you.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 4, 2008,
#2
Wow... that story made my day, and I don't know why. Thank you.

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Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

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Electronic Audio Experiments
#3
nope, hated this. I let you get away with the style for one piece, but a continuation of that style in this made me squirm. Yes, I read it all, and yes, I could see how someone could possibly like this enough for a wotw or something silly like that but really, this had little going for it. It was sophomoric, plodding, and forced. It was trying too hard to be poetic. It had an annoying snarky narrator that I wanted to kill. I don't believe the narrator is anyone. No one could be this straightforward and dull. This is a wedge (the acronym form), or some free write stream of conciousness crap that wanted to be witty and circular but instead just ended up silly and so should be scrapped and later salvaged for ideas.

Oh, and why is this part 3?

There is no part two, is there?

Again, this looked to be some dull, inconsequential exercise that had nothing that I particularly care about or was made to care about.

Write about a crack in the sidewalk that represents your brother's teeth, or about a parakeet or something, continuing to write broad "slices of life" about emotions and situations that are clearly foreign to you (in someplace or another) is just silly.

Okay, why is it silly?

Well, what did you hope for yourself to get out of writing this? What was I supposed to get out of reading this?
#4
There is a part two... however, it mostly consists of the narrator standing on the edge looking over... and I thought it was too boring. And to be honest, as I said in the last one, this was written entirely for me, I just posted it because I thought it happened to turn out alright. Everything in this is (And the last one) has some sort of personal meaning. I know, I know... you have to write to impact the reader... but this was something I needed to do, it was something I had to do to be able to start bringing myself into my writing... I'll improve from here. This was my first attempt at trying to bring something personal into writing. As I said before, everything in these has a purpose, everything in this is a metaphor that only I and really close friends would get, nothing is a wasted line if you know me. I just posted it because when I did have a friend read it, he "got" it but also said he found it highly amusing. EDIT: Oh, and part of the point of this is that fact that you want to kill the narrator... he's supposed to be annoying and dull... hints the suicide. Again, this comes back to something personal that I went through (suicide attempt) because of reasons similar to what you've stated

But, I truly do appreciate your opinions, and this probably will just end up being scrapped later... but for now, it is what it is. EDITEDIT: And Yes, I know that you are right on all accounts. I'm not questioning that nor defending what you said. One of the reasons I did post the "second part" was because my other piece had 650+reads and a lot of people who did enjoy it... so I figured I may as well let them have the continuation. But I do know that you are right.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 5, 2008,
#5
Hey zach. I know I always take forever to get to your pieces, sorry about that.

I'll start off with quick words on the first part, that I missed at first. I thought it was pretty good when it comes to voice, tone, etc. Content-wise, I liked a lot the parts about plaid boy and miniskirt you managed to pull off some extremely stereotypical characters without making them boring as hell. Kudos on that. Your voice was excellent, I was a big fan of the humor you used there. While being juvenile in parts, it added this much to the piece. I didn't like the ending all that much though, the whole suicide thing... Which brings us to this piece.

You totally lost that humoristic touch you had through the first part of the series. I thought that's what made it different than most other pieces about life-observations. Now here, I'm trying to be careful with the way I word it, I know you put a lot of personal stuff in this, but to me it seems like it's your usual suicide jumper piece. The playing with the floors is quite unoriginal. I'll take it paragraph by paragraph, hopefully I can get some points across.

I'm not a close friend of yours, so I'll probably miss out of a few things. Why post stuff here though if you know we won't get it? Yeah so, I'll just read this as the typical reader and assume it's the writer's fault if I don't have enough information to truly appreciate the piece .



Roof top, going down.

"Hey elevator, I'll race you to the ground." And with that, I'm off.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when facing death.
Second grade, first kiss.
Fifth grade, first fight.
Seventh grade, car accident.
Senior year, graduating.
Now, elevator ride.
Your typical recapitulation of life with typical events kind of thing.
I don't care, the context of the piece kind of implies it. It was done in
a bland way. Nothing for me to depreciate here, but sadly nothing to
stimulate me oppositely either.


That was quick. Five milestones in twenty years, and my psychiatrist
wonders why I need happy pills.
Not a fan of the psychiatrist line here. It seems like it's just thrown in.
What's it's purpose? It doesn't tell us much about the main character
here, except that he needed happy pills. Oh wait, I already knew that,
he's jumping his ass off a fucking building right about now! You know?


Fiftieth Floor, going down.

In some strange way, I feel connected to mini-skirt and plaid boy.
They have an entire life ahead of them of fucking and fighting,
loving and hating, screaming and whispering, children and grandchildren.
There's no envy here though. I've taken control of my life, there's only one
thing we can ever truly control, and I've taken the bull by the horns.

Fourty-fifth floor, going down.


Hmm, "entire life ahead of them of fuc(...)", the repetition of "of" bothered
me slightly. I also thought the "there's only one thing we can ever truly control"
bit was kind of repetitive. You could have trust your reader with that one, and still
end it with the horns thing. I quite liked this part though.


Terminal velocity is setting in, that's the physics major in me... always wondering
how shit works. I'm guessing air resistance is about point five,
which would make terminal velocity nineteen point six meters per second,
which would make my impact have set force ifI hit in a time of less than a
millisecond... a bitter taste floods my mouth. Birdshit.
God officially hates me.
I loved that stanza. It had that bitter humor vibe that was lacking thus far. It might
have dragged on a bit, though. I hated the bird crap thing, and thought you
could have done without that last line. I mean, that's a little over the edge,
and barely even possible.


Third floor, going down.

Steve the ice cream man with the push around refrigerator trolley and three kids
glances up at me. Face contorting into some form of either concern or sudden
constipation, I can see his lips utter stupidity, "stop." Like I have a choice at this
point; I do feel a bit guilty though, I hate to leave orphans around...
they tend to annoy us middle-class people by asking for quote-unquote, "bread."
My ADD kicks in, "I hope I land in vanilla... if I died in chocolate ice cream,
the irony of me not liking chocolate will be all people talk about."

First floor, going down.


Hi Steve, it's nice to meet you.
Glance wouldn't take a "s" here, I think. I'd get rid of "constipation".
I guess I didn't like anything of that fecal theme you had going here.
The ice-cream thing was mildly entertaining though, "all that
people will talk about"?

All in all, that was a pretty strong ending though. I loved the image of the people
looking up at you, the "stop" thing. Pretty good stuff.


Yeah, I've been pretty rough, because I came to expect a lot out of those kind of pieces. You did a good job at it, there are just a few things that weren't my cup of tea. I'd say the first part was a way better standalone piece of writing, but I wouldn't say this one can't become as good with a little extra work here and there.

If you have questions/comments we can have a discussion on all of this later on . I know I missed your pieces quite a few times, hopefully that crit can start to make up for it .

Take care man and keep the good stuff coming!
-Mathieu
#8
I really wanted to like this, because I thought part 1 was excellent. But I don't like it.

I enjoyed the contrast between the long explanation of terminal velocity and then the one word sentence "birdshit." And I loved the part about wanting to die in vanilla, because of the irony being all people would talk about in reference to your death. It's one of those stupid little worries people have which doesn't matter, and I have similar thoughts when I contemplate my own demise. I liked the part about milestones in life. But as a whole, this didn't interest me.

However, the writing style felt more forced this time around, and less light-hearted. I almost felt too connected to the main character as well. I think the first part worked partly because the narrator felt a little bit detached and apathetic about the entire situation, and the irony came out through this.

Also, you ruined the wonderful one-liner that ended the first one.

EDIT: Note these are just my thoughts, and you'll probably not benefit from them, since you wrote this for yourself. To be honest, I wrote this crit for myself as much as I did for you because I just needed to out of some neurotic compulsion. The same way you wrote this piece.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Apr 10, 2008,