#1
Set sails for fun!



Costa Dominica 2: A Return to Paradise! Starring Pauly Shore as Ol' Captain Bangalore

I was sworn, into the depths
of being warm; inside her
arms. I've never left without a thought
of being caught by my lovers. In my head
we went back and forth over
little things, over the sound of cars,
between prison bars we
held hands and laughed about
the death sentence. In my head
her name can't be said, in
fear of saying it a loud.

Breasts
past by me, stationary
I lay like dirty laundry, we've never
satisfied the likes of her and that
everlasting beauty. Bouncing back
between my thoughts, she'll get
caught in the middle of the one
I love and the person I don't
recognize, he looks like me but
has a different personality.

If I open my mouth, her
hands will plug up the hole
and I can't say what I know,
what I fear and where to go,
she just holds her hand
firmly over my mouth,
pressure on the wound,
as if to not let
any thing escape.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
Hey Matt. I see this is going un-noticed.
Quote by Something_Vague
Set sails for fun!



Costa Dominica 2: A Return to Paradise! Starring Pauly Shore as Ol' Captain Bangalore

I was sworn, into the depths
of being warm; inside her
arms. I've never left without a thought
of being caught by my lovers. In my head
we went back and forth over
little things, over the sound of cars,
between prison bars we
held hands and laughed about
the death sentence. In my head
her name can't be said, in
fear of saying it a loud.
Nice twists with the line breaks. L2-L3 gets the reader immediately interested. Nice theme here, in both style and substance. "back and fourth", etc. I didn't like the prison metaphor, though. It felt lame and even a bit forced. I also wasn't a fan of the last sentence here. The way you worded it feels clumsy, and i doubt it was intentional.

Breasts
past by me, stationary
I lay like dirty laundry, we've never
satisfied the likes of her and that
everlasting beauty. Bouncing back
between my thoughts, she'll get
caught in the middle of the one
I love and the person I don't
recognize, he looks like me but
has a different personality.
"pass by me"? I think you could use a period after "recognize" . You're breaking boundaries here, grammatically. I'm unsure yet if it's effective or not.

If I open my mouth, her
hands will plug up the hole
and I can't say what I know,
what I fear and where to go,
she just holds her hand
firmly over my mouth,
pressure on the wound,
as if to not let
any thing escape.

Nah, I'm definitely not a fan of your punctuation here, you need full stops at places where you put commas and it makes this a pain to read. As for this one last stanza, I thought it was running circles. Basically, the only image that you convey is that she's keeping you from talking. It's just, you take 9 lines to do it. In a fashion not that original. You know? This ending left me indifferent.


I liked to see you try something else, it could have been refreshing, but this felt like a rough, unedited draw to me. I think you definitely need to work around, do without some parts, add stuff at places, find a more effective ending, get that original vibe you had at the start going all throughout the piece.

I didn't point out every single thing that I thought was a mistake, like commas, etc. because I'm sure you'll find them when you get back through the entire thing.

Let me know if/when you edit this.
If you would, I'd need some honest opinion on my latest, facades.
Thanks and keep it up,
-Mat

edit : also, why ffs is that picture there?
#3
Because it's hilarious and thank you, this was OTS, but it didn't fit in the title.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
I liked this.

Usually I feel a lot of your pieces are too personal to you for me to get anything out of. This had a great give-and-tak relationship with the reader as not only could they take something away with them after the piece, but also you had enough there to keep the piece special to you. It felt much more immiediete to read, if you get what I'm saying, and easier to delve into the emotion coming across.

That said, I will agree with Mat on the punctuation. I didn't get on with it. It didn't read right to me.

I felt some images could have been stronger. The first stanza, for instance, and the prison.death sentence thing could have been done a lot better in my eyes. There seemed to be an idea there but it didn't feel like it ever came out of your head and into your hand. It was kinda stuck somewhere in your shoulder. For instance, "laughed about the death sentence" kind of seems irrelevant to me, though I can see after reading the whole piece that maybe it links in, but because the idea itself feels limited I just can't get there.

I liked the whole back/forth, bouncing idea and was disappointed that it didn't appear somewhere in the third stanza. Maybe you could use it again to replace the, as Mat already said, stuffy last eight or so lines.

Funny, I like this piece yet for some reason I feel it's of less quality writing than your capable of. Maybe because it's ots, but yeah.

Have a good day.

I have Mighty Fine Shinding in my sig, if you wanna take a look.