#1
You may ask the farmers when they will get here
but quite frankly, Son, I could show you corruption on a pasture.
But it's a Saturday; let's stroll to the fatherland, near a river
where we will wipe ourselves with fig leaves.
And come evening's banquet a toast shall be given "All cheer,
to rituality and sin."

We're not God's children
we don't come from the same tribe
nor speak of the place where we shall be escorted to.
Our serpent souls, weightless in its own form;
we must rejoice, this is the age of suffering
where there's no sense of time, like a prophet sitting on a hot stove.

Let's pray, for soon we shall be forgiven.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Apr 8, 2008,
#4
This is a lot like all of your other pieces as of late. It just feels like you are trying much to hard. None of this flows... none of it feels poetic... none of it is striking to me. It feels labored and the tone isn't inviting. Technically, all of your writing is sound. You're vocab well exceeds mine as do your techniques... but you have demonstrated over time that you have little to no control over the tone of your pieces. Your last few have really sunk into a realm of inaccessibility simply because your tone makes the whole thing feel disconnected and pretentious. Your diction is too far above your story... it would be like re-writing a children's book in ye olde English... it just tends to sound a bit ridiculous at times. You really need to learn to control your narrator if you want to continue to grow as an author, because as it stands, your pieces are either ace or the voice runs off in a different direction from the piece which leaves the reader very unsatisfied and confused.

Hope that all makes sense,

-zC

There's a new one (sig), no idea who owes who at this point, but comments are appreciated as are bumps ^_^
#5
Thank you for the crit. I know it wasn't neccessarily a negative critt just that I need to control the tones of my writing, and I agree. Thank you for the crit it seems that you're the only person who quite frankly gives a shit.

I haven't got regular internet access so I'll get back to you when I can.

pEACE
#6
Quote by Bleed Away
Thank you for the crit it seems that you're the only person who quite frankly gives a ****.


not neccessarily. everytime you post, i always read...
the only reason i don't leave a comment is, well, basically i'm gonna repeat what zC said.
you're a superb writer, but your pieces are always just something lovely to look at; i don't feel like i can connect directly enough to say anything more than "yeah, that was good."

i guess they sort of go over my head? they do have a pretensious feel to them. - not to sound completely negative, i'm sorry.
i hope that i've helped. feel free to crit my latest - an arch dilemma.