#1
K here it goes this is one of my first songs I've written


Haunting me every night
Each night struggling for life
Every dream comes with a fight
all my nights filled with strife

Each second a fight to stay alive
Another minute and I won't survive
Twisted tales haunting my sleep
Things I dare not to speak

[Chorus]
Nightmares
Coming to haunt me tonight
Here I will make my last fight

Tonight they do not rest
struggling to keep my breath
holding to what is left
I fight away from death

Each second a fight to stay alive
Another minute and I won't survive
Do I dare wake from this?
And find myself motionless

[Chorus]

Tonight I lay to bed
hoping for dreams instead
Now as I close my eyes
nightmares in my thoughts confide

[Chorus]
Quote by lopezmetalmunky
Quote by nasadm
Quote by lopezmetalmunky
Super epic win. I love you now
Made siggable

Nice. now I'll be suing you.
Last edited by nasadm at Apr 5, 2008,
#2
Quote by nasadm
K here it goes this is one of my first songs I've written


Haunting me every night
Each night struggling for life
Every dream comes with a fight
all my nights filled with strife
This stanza was OK. I liked ur line Every dream comes with a fight. I thought the repetition of night was kinda awkward to read. and for the last line I would say you should use all my nights ARE filled with strife. Makes it less awkward to read

Each second a fight to stay alive
Another minute and I won't survive
Twisted tales haunting my sleep
Things I dare not to speak
Can't complain about this stanza I thought it was very well done.

[Chorus]
Nightmares
Coming to haunt me tonight
Here I will make my last fight
Another good line. Only suggestion I could make is reading Coming to haunt me tonight is awkward so I would put just come to haunt me tonight. Just a personal preference of mine.

Tonight they do not rest
struggling to keep my breath
holding to what is left
I fight away from death

Each second a fight to stay alive
Another minute and I won't survive
Do I dare wake from this?
And find myself motionless
This stanza sounds repetitive of the others and really doesn't help progress the song. I found it strange how you would wake up, then die . Not a favourite stanza of mine, but OK none the less.

[Chorus]

Tonight I lay to bed
hoping for dreams instead
Now as I close my eyes
nightmares in my thoughts confide

[Chorus]


So OK overall. Infact there were some pretty good lines in it. The only thing I'd suggest is make it slightly more interesting because to me it felt like you were saying the same thing over and over again which is fine for maybe a couple stanzas but maybe make some stanzas that don't sound the same from the last.
#3
thanks for the crit... I see how it is repetive in some spots but if you want.... I have the music in the riffs and you'll see how coming is a bit better than come during the chorus. it's with the music.

the thing with the waking up motionless is more of moving from one dream to another like you know how if you have one nightmare then on the the next.... well it's just how I see it and wrote it. I'll think of something else if I can just giving you my view... thanks for the crit is there one you want me to?
Quote by lopezmetalmunky
Quote by nasadm
Quote by lopezmetalmunky
Super epic win. I love you now
Made siggable

Nice. now I'll be suing you.
#4
i agree w/ man.free.kill there's definitely some repetition i think you can combine some of these verses because they all kinda say the same
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