#1
Am I in a pretty world
or am I in a wasteland
I don't know, my eyes are closed.

There is a side of you
that strikes an odd chord.

You are too cold to hold
But I want to warm you
Your look is too hard to hold
But I seek to soften you.

Can I save you
Save you from you
Or do I just want to save me
to escape the cold without leaving

It is dark here in denial
but what do I deny?

There are blinds on my eyes
I can't tell if it's brighter
or darker outside.

_______________


Please leave a link to your piece!
...

#2
I really really like this!

I don't have much to say about this other than i really liked it.
Espcially this part:
" Can I save you
Save you from you
Or do I just want to save me
to escape the cold without leaving"

I like the little self insight on whether what you do is for the subject here or just for yourself.

Or maybe i could have got it all wrong
maybe i just lack insight in my weak perception.

and if you'ld like you could check out one of mine...
nothing great though: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=825685
Last edited by af_the_fragile at Apr 5, 2008,
#3
Quote by af_the_fragile
I really really like this!

I don't have much to say about this other than i really liked it.
Espcially this part:
" Can I save you
Save you from you
Or do I just want to save me
to escape the cold without leaving"

I like the little self insight on whether what you do is for the subject here or just for yourself.

Or maybe i could have got it all wrong
maybe i just lack insight in my weak perception.


Yes, yes, that's exactly it!

Aw man. I'm excited. Thanks! Where's your piece?

EDIT: Oh, there it is.
...

#4
Quote by Hannakins
Yes, yes, that's exactly it!

Aw man. I'm excited. Thanks! Where's your piece?

EDIT: Oh, there it is.

good to know i got it right...
I do feel the same a lot of times and tend to use that bit of "emotional insight" in my poetry too.

And your piece does portray good loads of emotions. Its pretty perfect in its place i should say.
I like this part too:
"It is dark here in denial
but what do I deny?"

At first you can't see quite a straightforward answer to your question. But when you sit back and go over it again thats when you start to find a million possible answers to the question.
What could you deny?
That it is dark here, or that the only person you're willing to help is yourself, or that the blinds are deceiving, or is it the place where you are.
Looking over it, the whole poem is a big question. A question that could lead to many answers but you still couldn't just find the perfect answer. Just keep looking for a better answer...

Or maybe again i'm just over analyzing it all! =]
#5
Quote by Hannakins

It is dark here in denial
but what do I deny?


personally, that was the best part of the whole piece!!

Overall, I thought it was just alright man. Wasn't bad by a long shot, but nothing really stood out. The structure was basic, the wording was pretty bland, or rather uneventfull. I kind of liken it to a really good record, where this is a filler "song" Basically, it's good enough to make the disk, but not strong enough to be a single. I suggest maybe adding in some imagery, maybe alluding to a few things instead of leading the reader.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5