#1
A short piece I wrote the other day. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It needs some cleaning up/revising I reckon. Especially the 2nd stanza.

Laying on the blood spilled floor.
He tries to kiss her cheek once more.
But I just want to fly.
And waking up is harder when you want to die.

Drinking up this processed shit.
Why don’t you just fuck it?
But I just want to fly.
I’m going to a place where I am always high.

This voice is nothing more.
A life dried up on shore.
Last edited by redh0tchilip3pp at Apr 6, 2008,
#2
Laying on the blood spilt floor.
He tries to kiss her cheek once more.
But I just want to fly.
And waking up is harder when you want to die.

What correlation do you have with the guy trying to kiss her cheeck (why are you telling us that you want to fly..)?

Drinking up this processed sh.
Why don’t you just **** it?
But I just want to fly.
I’m going to a place where I am always high.

Processed what? I'm assuming you said sh!t, but censoring.. either way cussing is very unpleasant in poetry.... unless you're some dark twisted soul who's all alone or blah blah blah.. anyway, what do you mean by "just **** it"?

This voice is nothing more.
A life dried up on shore.

Ooh a couplet.. usually these have to be amazingly good because it's only two lines. This one has no flow what so ever, and the rhyming scheme is kind of.. bland.. or cliche. Try something with more rhythm, making the sentence a little longer... "This voice has become nothing more - than a life once dried up on the rocky shore" It's just an example... you can feel the flow, no?
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#3
Quote by Raven
Laying on the blood spilt floor.
He tries to kiss her cheek once more.
But I just want to fly.
And waking up is harder when you want to die.

What correlation do you have with the guy trying to kiss her cheeck (why are you telling us that you want to fly..)?

Drinking up this processed sh.
Why don’t you just **** it?
But I just want to fly.
I’m going to a place where I am always high.

Processed what? I'm assuming you said sh!t, but censoring.. either way cussing is very unpleasant in poetry.... unless you're some dark twisted soul who's all alone or blah blah blah.. anyway, what do you mean by "just **** it"?

This voice is nothing more.
A life dried up on shore.

Ooh a couplet.. usually these have to be amazingly good because it's only two lines. This one has no flow what so ever, and the rhyming scheme is kind of.. bland.. or cliche. Try something with more rhythm, making the sentence a little longer... "This voice has become nothing more - than a life once dried up on the rocky shore" It's just an example... you can feel the flow, no?

I see what you're saying. I said I needed to change the 2nd verse. I don't like the cursing myself, but I wanted to show emotion and power. 'Just **** it'; what's the point of lying in a hospital bed when you know you're gonna die anyway? Why don't you just end it now?

The first verse; the man is the person's lover. He goes to kiss her. But he can't quite do it, as there is so much blood. The narrator in the poem is the dying woman. She wants to fly up into heaven. She has to wake up everyday knowing that she will die, so this is hard for her.

Second verse; yes I did mean s**t. I need to change this though. Get rid of the cursing. I meant the hospital food, that people are fed. It's not nice at all. Again, she wants to fly up into heaven. She wants to go to a place where there is no pain. Somewhere where she feels alive.

Third verse; pretty self explanatory. I will change that though. Your suggestion was a nice one.

This poem might not make sense to some people. It's semi-biographical. Something that happened to me a long time ago. I'm writing as if it was in the present tense though.

Thanks for your comments.
#4
That makes a lot of sense now, and understanding it makes the poem more appealing, you just need to work on conveying your message or thoughts, so that others could understand.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#5
Quote by Raven
That makes a lot of sense now, and understanding it makes the poem more appealing, you just need to work on conveying your message or thoughts, so that others could understand.
Yeah, that's something I've just learnt thanks to your crit! I'm new to writing, so I need as much advice as I can get. However I do like having that mysterious element to my writing. It makes people think.

Thanks.

Want me to crit anything of yours?
#6
I agree with you, when you say you like to keep it mysterious, but the only way it will make people think is if it SOUNDS mysterious, you know? Like something that you can't jump to conclusions when reading, kinda like John Lennon.. "Mother superior jumped the gun", or "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see"

John Lennon is one of my most favorite songwriters/poets, just because of how vivid and poetic he was. He's a good base to work from.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#7
Quote by Raven
I agree with you, when you say you like to keep it mysterious, but the only way it will make people think is if it SOUNDS mysterious, you know? Like something that you can't jump to conclusions when reading, kinda like John Lennon.. "Mother superior jumped the gun", or "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see"

John Lennon is one of my most favorite songwriters/poets, just because of how vivid and poetic he was. He's a good base to work from.

Ahh, yeah that's a good point. I have some John Lennon stuff, but havn't listened to it for a long time. I'll need to get it out again!
#8
Yeah, all his great stuff was when he was in the Beatles (lyrically), but he still had some pretty catchy tunes when he went solo.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~