#1
Alright, here's another. I wrote it on the back of Eye Weekly magazine on top of a Fido ad after the Ontario Literacy Test 'cause we weren't allowed to leave and I had half an hour to kill. Enjoy.

Wasted Time

Time is wasting itself
Drunk off one too many minutes
No more hours left on the shelf
Filling the day's glass as it sits
Wits are losing themselves
A nanosecond shows it's influence
Smarts are lost as he delves
Into a wasted world of innocence

Time, time is wasting itself
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf
Time, time is not meant to be wasted
And now it needs an excuse for what it did.

Time might be the master
But that is not a reason
It might want to go faster
But it is out of season
Parties are in and soberness out
And everyone knows that it's true
No one can ever stop the drought
This is the extreme of so much by so few

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf
Time, time is not meant to be wasted
And now it needs an excuse for what it did.


I was looking to write a third verse but I couldn't get it right, so I dropped it.
#2
First off, before I get mean and picky, I just wanna say that I really like it. Now that that's outta the way.

Quote by GuitarPierre

Wasted Time

Time is wasting itself
Drunk off one too many minutes
No more hours left on the shelf
Filling the day's glass as it sits I really like the liquor reference here, very good imagery. I can piture Old Man Time sitting in a bar, drinking the days away
Wits are losing themselves
A nanosecond shows it's influence
Smarts are lost as he delves
Into a wasted world of innocence still good, but not as strong as the first four lines

Time, time is wasting itself
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf
Time, time is not meant to be wasted
And now it needs an excuse for what it did. Great, up until the last line. Doesn't fit, but maybe that's just me. It definitly doesn't flow

Time might be the master
But that is not a reason
It might want to go faster
But it is out of season
Parties are in and soberness out
And everyone knows that it's true
No one can ever stop the drought
This is the extreme of so much by so few This, altho it is very good, doesn't tell us anything. What I don't like about this is that since the first verse, we haven't learnt anything new. This verse is mroe a continuation of the chorus than a verse

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf
Time, time is not meant to be wasted
And now it needs an excuse for what it did.


Okay, like I said, I liked it, but it could be better. A bit of songwriting theory, a verse tells the story, a chorus emphasises the point. Verse 1 told a story, chorus 1 emphasised the point, but then Verse 2, instead of continuing the story (which I really liked) it just emphasised the point again, like another chorus. That was were you lost points with me. i wanted to hear more about Old Man Time, what happened to him as he sat there getting pissed off his face. I don't care about all this repition, I want something new and interesting. But, apart from that, the story is good and has potential. Keep trying!
#4
Alright, as promised, here is a newer/edited version of the song. Hope you enjoy!

Wasted Time

Time is wasting itself,
Drunk off one too many minutes.
No more hours on the shelf,
Filling the day's glass as it sits.
Wits are losing themselves,
A nanosecond shows its influence.
Smarts are lost as he delves,
Into another wasted world.

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf,
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did.

Time lifts its head to survey the east,
The suns say it should be ticking.
Time gets up like a vanquished beast,
And surrenders to the day's bidding.
The earth must spin he says again,
To no one in particular.
He knows it's not at all in vain,
But he doesn't want to restart the ticker.

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf,
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did.

Time might be the master,
But that is not a reason.
It might want to go faster,
But it's out of season.
Parties are in and soberness out,
And everyone knows it's true.
No one can even stop the drought,
This is the extreme of so much by so few.

Once again time is at the counter,
His glass half empty as he stares ahead.
He raises his arm to signal the waiter,
Who knows already what he's said:
"Barman give me another minute
I feel so rushed again.
It won't be too long 'till I hit it,
'Cause I can't stand the way it's been."

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf.
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did.


Hope you enjoy it. The former "second verse" is now a bridge, so treat it as a bridge and not as another verse. Cheers!
Last edited by GuitarPierre at Apr 21, 2008,
#5
First of all this really isn't my style. But its a pretty good piece. I think you should replace a few lines with more direct, more rich words. Theres a lot of formulaic lines, and if you added in some contrast, mainly towards the end perhaps, it'd finalize the song well.

Thanks for the crit on song, btw.
We're only strays.
#6
Time is wasting itself,
Drunk off one too many minutes.
No more hours on the shelf,
Filling the day's glass as it sits.
Wits are losing themselves,
A nanosecond shows its influence.
Smarts are lost as he delves,
Into a wasted world of innocence.
I like this all apart from the ending, 'of innocence' is imo a bit cliche and I think dropping it would make for a more effective ending to the first verse

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf,
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did
Great chorus, repeatition sounds great when i sing it in my head

Time lifts its head to survey the east,
The suns say it should be ticking.
Time gets up like a vanquished beast,
And surrenders to the day's bidding.
The earth must spin he says again,
To no one in particular.
He knows it's not at all in vain,
But he doesn't want to restart the ticker.
Personification of the time is creates a great image, I'm not sure what ticker is refering to, but this is prolly just me

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf,
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did.

Time might be the master,
But that is not a reason.It might want to go faster,
But it's out of season.
Parties are in and soberness out,
And everyone knows it's true.
No one can even stop the drought,
This is the extreme of so much by so few.
First two lines of this verse are my favourite of all the lines! and rest is good

Once again time is at the counter,
His glass half empty as he stares ahead.
He raises him arm to signal the waiter,
Who knows already what he's said:
"Barman give me another minute
I feel so rushed again.
It won't be too long 'till I hit it,
'Cause I can't stand the way it's been."
Very good, is 'him' a typo tho?

Time, time is wasting itself,
Until there's no more liquor on the shelf.
Time, time is not meant to be wasted,
And now it can't figure what it did.

I really like this piece, it's hard to say if you should make any improvements when it's all so good already, 9/10!
Guitar: Epiphone Casino
Amp: Laney VC30-212
:stickpoke
Last edited by Jhay_Dee at Apr 21, 2008,