#1
2nd take, same story, different thought processes.
Part 1: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=766099

Sitting crying college mirror crumbly-skin (II)

My skin grabs in at my bones harder,
My lover's back in Oregon, my legs are cut up
by my own fingernails, and the water's draining out.
Then I close my eyes, and
Nothing's there at all, except
For the feeling that I'm the only one who's alive.
I hear snowfall outside. It's soft.
I turn the dial, deliberately,
Position myself like a crucifix against
The cold tile, and, like a hook through
The side of a mouth, I feel the cold red
remnants of a life sweep away,
and watch a brain contract and expand
Like a heart, gasping for air. And like the fish,
I don't know where to go from here.
Last edited by #1 synth at Apr 6, 2008,
#6
i read the first one and it pulled off the gloom effect which im sure you went for. pretty much every line start to finish seemed well placed as a build-up and conclusion but left me feeling as if it wasnt a complete conclusion. same with the start. the short lines gave off a straight to the point gloomy feeling and worked for that effect but maybe adding more lines to lead up to your current main lines or just detailing certain lines a bit more would help people follow along more easily and make the piece feel more complete if it can be. i know with these type of poems it seems like just short strait to the point lines without too deep of an intro feels more appropriate so its probably fine as is and those who connect will connect.

this 2nd one seems to have more details in it giving people more clues to follow along. youve put in some lines for creating more atmosphere and the story lines keep the gloom going as well. i like how the snowfall line is put in to create a settling environment but the rest is more of a dark gloomy place and time which usually is opposite but they still fit together well, sort of like opposites clashing to make a proper reaction that works. also the finish appropriately leaves room for more and proves to me that the conclusion in the first one wasnt exactly a complete conlusion although it was still proper for the writing.


im no writing buff and havent crit often but i hope my bits of info are somewhat on spot and a welcoming post since no one else has said much yet.

i have posted a couple of my own, one a while ago and another about a month ago. you can take a look if you want.

first one

2nd one

my 2nd one has been closed for an apparent innapropriate bump but you can still read if you want and post in the other if theres anything to say on it. also ive changed the title of the 2nd one to dystopia.
#7
you're working with a lot of phrases that could easily come off as linkin' park'n it. it is pretty cool that you were able to not come off that way. sure, you misstep in a couple of lines (the snowfall line is a bit easy, and just the drastic melancholy and morbid detail is kind of over done.) but over all you come off very well reproducing a counterpoint to your other piece. i dig it.
#8
Quite a strong and memorable piece, me thinks. You had quite a few weak points though. Some improvement would do it well. First, the Oregon line... it could have had much more impact if we knew how far away you are/will be. As it is, it could be 3 hours or it could be 3 days. A little more dramatics about how far away you are might give it some more spice. That or instead of saying oregon, use something a little less direct like the state motto or something more "metaphorical" considering that this piece is shrouded in it. Next point I didn't like was the snow line. That would have been effective if the state you were referring to previously was in a desert or something, but since its not this doesn't add much to defining location or adding to the story, as it is... it seems like an image added for the sake of an image, which is bothersome to me. I may be missing something though. The rest is strong. Only thing I didn't like was the "heart gasping for air" thing... as immediately I thought, "Lungs breathe... not hearts." and it just seemed like one of those overly artsy images that was meant to make us "FEEL WHAT'S REAL!!!" type of things. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it seems a bit like that to me.

I liked it though.
#9
I'm glad to see no sickly reptition in here though.

The phrase crumbly-skin hyphenated like it is is quit striking, I think. It should be transferred into the actual piece and taklen out of the title, replacing "water's draining out" in some way.

A better ending would have made this piece so much better. It was very clumsy. It wasn't smoothly executed at all. Like the fish, it seemd like it did not know where to go. Awkwardly worded, I feel. and the whole fish Idea I hate, it came from know where and just reeked of desperation even. It added a whole new semantic field in the last few lines which I j ust didn't like.

#10
i'd omit the "in" from the first line, there's really no use for it. plus it appears almost directly under in the second line indicating an word overusage - IMO.
i like the line about the lover being in Oregon, but there's really no elaboration as to where she's at, making it kind of weak - i understand why it's that way, but i'm just being picky.
the only other thing poking my thinker would be the line about "hearing snowfall." i read straight through the first time without noticing it...but you really don't "hear" snow, right?
also with the "heart gasping for air" - but i'm pretty sure that was intended as more a metaphorical statement.

i liked it, but i liked the first one better.

take a stab at mine?
meditation.