#1
I was round my house
Searching for ideas
Picked up a book and read the blurb
It told me they were looking to get away

Africa? What a nice idea
You book the taxi, I’ll pack the beer
And maybe, possibly,
We’ll be out by the end of the day

Let’s go sailing down the Congo
One last chance before it’s gone
None of the explorers of the future
Will have the chance to do what we’ve done

They may devote a life to the task
Of uncovering the history of man
But we have this one chance and
My god we’ll beat them if we can

I’ve been round this house for far too long
Now look out your window and I’ll be gone

I’ll put the book back on the shelf
And carry on



Needs a chorus.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Apr 7, 2008,
#2
I was round my house
Searching for ideas
Picked up a book and read the blurb
It told me they were looking to get away

I didn't really get this one.. I mean, I understood what you were saying, but it wasn't very OMG JUMP RIGHT AT YOU, maybe a rhyme or two would make it more tasteful? I'm just saying the first stanza should have at least something to separate it from every other poem.

Africa? What a nice idea
You book the taxi, I’ll pack the beer
And maybe, possibly,
We’ll be out by the end of the day

Pack the beer.. on a trip to Africa? Lol, idk, could be just me but that's a little strange.

Let’s go sailing down the Congo
One last chance before it’s gone
None of the explorers of the future
Will have the chance to do what we’ve done

Can you sail down the congo? Just wondering.. I like lines 2 to 4, it's r33l d33p br0.

They may devote a life to the task
Of uncovering the history of man
But we have this one chance and
My god we’ll beat them if we can

Hmm, it's catchy, it's not ambiguous, and it's a cute rhyming scheme. Me likes, I wouldn't change it.

I’ve been round this house for far too long
Now look out your window and I’ll be gone

Nice couplet :]

I’ll put the book back on the shelf
And carry on

Sorry I couldn't be more help on the advise... This poem was probably the hardest I've critted, because it didn't rhyme and it wasn't insightful, almost as if it was plain- but I don't want to bash you and call it bland bs, because it's definetly not a bad piece of work... anyway, C4C? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831179
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#3
That's pretty sweet. I really liked the "I've been round this house for far too long, Now Look out your window and I'll be gone" lines. That was really nicely done. I'm not an experienced critic (or even writer for that matter) so there were bits and pieces I didn't really get. It's like bits of it are really good and work well and others (like the "I'll pack the beer" line) that just didn't seem to fit with the idea of the poem. Really nice ending though. It brings us back to earth really well.

Hope that was of some use...
Quote by bjoern_swe
my mom found me sitting in the kitchen, eating Corn Flakes from the floor. when she asked me what I was doing, I just roared at her and ran up to my room.


George Foreman Grill Appreciation Society
#4
I was round my house
Searching for ideas
Picked up a book and read the blurb
It told me they were looking to get away


You should stick a rhyme in here somewhere. Maybe something like "Picked up a book and flipped to a page, it told me they were looking to get away."


Africa? What a nice idea
You book the taxi, I’ll pack the beer
And maybe, possibly,
We’ll be out by the end of the day


That third line's a bit short, I'd lengthen it or put something else there.


Let’s go sailing down the Congo
One last chance before it’s gone
None of the explorers of the future
Will have the chance to do what we’ve done


This verse is good, your rhymes are getting more organized.


They may devote a life to the task
Of uncovering the history of man
But we have this one chance and
My god we’ll beat them if we can


This one's good, too.


I’ve been round this house for far too long
Now look out your window and I’ll be gone


If you're looking for a chorus, I think if you stick this and the lines below together it would sound pretty good.


I’ll put the book back on the shelf
And carry on


This tied things together a bit. I guess it was about an adventure through a book?


I have a vague idea of your theme here, but I think you should press on that a bit more when you revise it. And those first two verses need a bit of work rhyme-wise if you're going for that. Overall, it's pretty good, though. Unique idea.
...

#5
Thanks very much for all of the crit . Yeah, it's about someone bored as hell with their life reading a book, and imagining that they were the person in the book, dreaming that they were the one who did all of that, hence the last line. They walked away a little sadder but feeling a little more empowered.

Do you think that
'Walking round my house
Trying to engage my brain
Picked up a book, flipped to a page
About some crazy characters who’d managed to get away'

is any better for a first line?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I think you should at least have the decency to bump mine, considering I gave this extremely long, and extremely green piece such an extensive and careful critiquing :/
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#7
Quote by Raven*
I think you should at least have the decency to bump mine, considering I gave this extremely long, and extremely green piece such an extensive and careful critiquing :/


Done!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Thanks very much for all of the crit . Yeah, it's about someone bored as hell with their life reading a book, and imagining that they were the person in the book, dreaming that they were the one who did all of that, hence the last line. They walked away a little sadder but feeling a little more empowered.

Do you think that
'Walking round my house
Trying to engage my brain
Picked up a book, flipped to a page
About some crazy characters who’d managed to get away'

is any better for a first line?



Sounds much better to me.
...

#9
Walking round my house
Trying to engage my brain
Picked up a book and flipped it open to a page
about a crazy character who'd managed to get away

Thanks for helping me round that bit!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Done!



THANK you... I don't mean to be an asshole, but there's SO many people who don't give a crap when some folk take the time to seriously give advice and help, and critique their work.. and not even get a bump in return when asked for a C4C.

Then the ones that DO bother to "re-crit" give about a paragraph, just to say "ohay gud job i lykd"..

I'm sure you get the same annoyance, considering I've seen you around S&L quite a bit. Frankly I like your stuff, I've just never been a reg here... just simply for what I've just stated, lol. Idk, I may start up again, just to give feedback and receive, considering I write poetry quite a bit.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#11
S'alright. I haven't been here for long to be honest, but a lot of posts in the last week or so I guess, cause I've been writing a lot. And yeah, thing I posted before this got like three responses, two of which were people saying they'd be back later cause I did theirs, and they weren't.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!