#1
Punk song I wrote
Please Crit.

you’re living in the ghetto
living day by day
with violence an poverty
trying to make it through
beggars in the street
rats in your home
you dream of a better life
but do nothing for change

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

you work hard everyday
but no increase in your wage
you’re just cheap labor
you don’t matter to them
hear talk of rebellion
talk of something better
discard them as false prophets
and refuse to listen

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb


your land lord raises the rent
city council’s on their side
up the price of living
to try and oust the poor
yellow eviction notice
stapled to your door
you still keep quiet
too scared to take a stand

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

bridge
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
to say what’s on your mind

you’re living in the ghetto
living day by day
with violence an poverty
trying to make it through
beggars in the street
rats in your home
you dream of a better life
but do nothing for change

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

bridge
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
to say what’s on your mind
One Love, One Heart, Let's Get Together And Feel Alright

Member of UG's Vegetarian Club. Add to sig to join!
#2
Great concept (though it has been done before) but you need to work on your rhyme scheme. Chorus is awesome. I can imagine a band like The Casualties Singing it.
"A guitar is the human soul, speaking with just six strings..."- Eddie Lee
Quote by webbtje
You wish. She probably thinks you're a Stalin/Hitler hybrid... Stitler
In fact, from now on, I'm going to call you Stitler.

Quote by rushmore

it's always nice to find a new reason to smile
#3
you’re living in the ghetto
living day by day
with violence an poverty
trying to make it through
beggars in the street
rats in your home
you dream of a better life
but do nothing for change

"Living" in the first two lines gets repetetive.. try "You're dwelling in the ghetto".

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

...Make an effort :/

you work hard everyday
but no increase in your wage
you’re just cheap labor
you don’t matter to them
hear talk of rebellion
talk of something better
discard them as false prophets
and refuse to listen

"You" would sound better in the 5th line. Also, add something before the 6th line, the rest of your stanzas are semi-complete sentences, don't break that flow

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

Ehh... here's that redundant chorus again..

your land lord raises the rent
city council’s on their side
up the price of living
to try and oust the poor
yellow eviction notice
stapled to your door
you still keep quiet
too scared to take a stand

I'd like to see a bit more rhyming, because this sounds a bit more of a biography rather than a song... even for punk.

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

Next time you post a song with more than one chorus, just write [x2] or how ever many times it's repeated next to it.

bridge
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
to say what’s on your mind

Don't really get what's going on here...

you’re living in the ghetto
living day by day
with violence an poverty
trying to make it through
beggars in the street
rats in your home
you dream of a better life
but do nothing for change

Okay.. where have I heard this before....

broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, and dumb
broke, deaf, dumb

bridge
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
broke-working everyday
deaf-to the lies they say
dumb-can’t find your tongue
to say what’s on your mind

All in all I have to say... you should revise this. I didn't like the repetition, and the ambiguation in the bridge, or chorus. What do you mean by "deaf, and dumb"?

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831179
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#4
Quote by enemyoftime
Great concept (though it has been done before) but you need to work on your rhyme scheme. Chorus is awesome. I can imagine a band like The Casualties Singing it.

That's actually the kind of sound i was thinking just with the vocals being better no offense I Like the Casualties.
One Love, One Heart, Let's Get Together And Feel Alright

Member of UG's Vegetarian Club. Add to sig to join!