#1
Yes, it's a cheesy love song. I know, but i'm thinking about playing it for my girlfriend's birthday. yes or no? and critique is appreciated.


If I could sail away
On a boat then I’d be
Sure to bring you along
So we can both get lost at sea

If I had a space ship
I’d take you closer to the stars
We could dance on the moon
And from this earth be so far

I won’t let you go again
Take my hand
Everything will be alright
This time, it’s right
And you’re one in a million

If I’d met another
A different girl then you
I’d always wonder where
That girl from my dreams went to

Don’t let me go again
Take my hand
We’re gonna be alright
This love, it’s right
You’re one in a million

(And)To be alone with you(x4)
is everything

*edited* read the 6th post to see how I've changed it.
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Last edited by Seiko-Unleashed at Apr 8, 2008,
#2
It's very nice and quaint. Pretty clear message to me.
The 3rd verse is a little awkard, it doesn't flow that well compared with the rest of the piece which have a good flow.


Love the Low end
#3
yea, i was just playing it a bit and thinking the same thing about the third verse. thanks for the feedback
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#4
I edited it a bit. I added a chorus and removed the third verse entirely. crit for crit?
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#5
i like it. from my point of view its a cute song lol. i mean i wrote a song for my gf that i think is mad cheesy but everyone else thinks its not. so the cheesier the better i suppose =). im sure she'll love it. if you wunna crit back, here ya go https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832093
#6
First of all, it's basically the cutest thing in the world when your boyfriend writes a song for you and serenades you with it, so definitely play it for her. Now on to the crit.
Quote by Seiko-Unleashed

If I had a space ship
I’d take you closer to the stars
We could dance on the moon
And from this earth be so far

I'm sure you've thought about this already, but the last line sounds awkward since you've put your prepositional phrase before your verb. Try other words like "are, jar, tar, afar, guitar, bizarre" or even just close rhymes like "hour". I'm sure you can find a better line.
Quote by Seiko-Unleashed

If I’d met another
A different girl then you
I’d always wonder where
That girl from my dreams went to

This verse isn't very strong. See if you can find a different way of saying it that's less generic. Use metaphor or imagery if you can.

I think your girlfriend will love it though, whatever you do. Just consider my crits.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
#7
Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

What if I replaced the last verse with,

If our stories never crossed
And I never saw your face
I would never stop searching
For that perfect, warm embrace
or For you, no one could replace(i think i like the first one)

And, also I would change the last line of the second verse to,

And watch our world from afar

let me know what you think. Also, if this is against forum rules to post the changes like this. I didn't want to just edit the first post again because I want everyone to see how I've changed it.
nothing to see here
Last edited by Seiko-Unleashed at Apr 8, 2008,