#1
Here's a song that I wrote practising using the "standard" Verse/Chorus format. It's in a Jack Johnson sorta style. I've attached the music in GP5 GP4 and MIDI format for you to listen to. C4C


I Don’t Care Anymore

Baby I know,
The things that I need,
Aren’t always what I want,
But can’t you see?
You and I don’t work,
Like we should,
And I can’t take another moment like this.

Throw me away,
And treat me like dirt,
I’m not crawling back to you,
Cause I know this don’t work.
Things that you’ve said,
And things that you’ve done,
Yet always you say,
That I am the one to blame.

Do what you want,
Take what you need,
You left me with nothing but a name,
Now I'm never coming back,
Do what you want,
Take what you need,
Cause I don’t care anymore.

It’s gone too far,
You’ve got to stop,
But you can’t see the road before you get hit by the car.
I feel like I’m trapped,
But I found my escape,
I’m gonna break away,
Run away from you.
Attachments:
I Don't Care Anymore.zip
Last edited by kdownes at Apr 13, 2008,
#2
yeah i can really see the jack johnson influence. i like it very much. there are a few lines that are a bit cliché, so let me point some things out.

the second half of the first stanza could use some un-clichéness. as in you could fix it up to make it feel less like something that has been written twenty thousand times before. it's well written it's just that it's not new. except for the last line. it's great.

"things that you've said/ and things that you've done" again too cliché. try to disguise behind a nice image or metaphor. i mean, they don't really mean anything, and they don't help the message, and they don't move the story along.

"leave me with nothing but a name/ i'm never coming back" look at these two lines and see how they contradict each other. you've just created an oxymoron. first, you tell her to leave, then you say you're not coming back? pick a scenario.

i love the imagery in the last stanza. i'd say it's you're best one. but i'd either shorten the last line or break it into two.

hoped i helped. check out my latest song "wasted time" in my sig.
#3
i love the lyrics. straight up awesome. the music, i also see the jack johnson influence but i think this song would sound better with a more metal sound, but thats just my personal preferance
#4
Thanx for the crit GuitarPierre, I completely missed the oxymoron there. I'll have a look at those lines and see what I can do. As for NiCKh609's comment about the metal, it is just your personal opinion. I could see how it might be better with a metal sound, I also see how pigs could fly if they had wings. Basically, comment the lyrics, not the music.