#1
ok so here is a poem i wrote about abuse. clearly. to me it feels unfinished but also if i add another stanza it will totally break what i already have. hmm well feedback. please

c4c of course


(any title suggestions?)

You slam her against the wall
now don't you feel big and tall
i bet you will feel way better
when she covers her bruises with a sweater

she doesn't give in to your so called "charms"
so you just grab ahold of her arms
you push her back onto the bed
not even caring you smashed her head

yea, smack her a few times that'll do it
maybe then she will come to it
maybe she will get with you, flirt
only because she doesn't want to get hurt

are you happy now? you got what you want
go run off to all your friends and flaunt
but that poor girl just got abused
will she tell anyone why she is bruised?
Last edited by jschock92 at Apr 6, 2008,
#2
I kinda like it.

"so you just grab ahold of her arms"
I think 'hold' rather than 'ahold' would flow better

"maybe she will get with you, flirt"
I think the filrt at the end sounds kinda forced.

Im sure this wasent the intention, but the sweater rhyme made me chuckle.
Otherwise good.
I like that its kinda blunt and straightforward, as I feel it gives it more impact.

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#3
(any title suggestions?)

Try thinking in terms of how the poem is written... it's seen through the victims eyes, so maybe try something that sends a message like the poem does, like "See as I See", or "My Suffering", or something like that, it's just a suggestion, I'm definetly not the guy to rely on when it comes to names, lol .

You slam her against the wall
now don't you feel big and tall
i bet you will feel way better
when she covers her bruises with a sweater

Hmm, there isn't much of a flow established in the beginning, and the third line kind of sounds elementary if you ask me, try playing around with words. I like line 4 though, line 4 matches well with line 3, almost bringing it back if you get me.

she doesn't give in to your so called "charms"
so you just grab ahold of her arms
you push her back onto the bed
not even caring you smashed her head

By now I'm very aware of what's happening, and this poem seems very direct and straightforward, anybody who's done this is totally seeing what's going on. I like the rhymeing scheme in lines 1 and 2. I think there could be a much better flow established if you messed around with syllables.

yea, smack her a few times that'll do it
maybe then she will come to it
maybe she will get with you, flirt
only because she doesn't want to get hurt

Line 2 seems too shooort, I was expecting more syllables. Lines 3 and 4 = NICE, I like how you added ", flirt", because it pushes a rhythm into the song that wasn't there before... that's good.

are you happy now? you got what you want
go run off to all your friends and flaunt
but that poor girl just got abused
will she tell anyone why she is bruised?

I like 1 and 2, they're very direct and kinda sassy, basically this whole stanza is pretty clever, the way you chose your words.

Well that's about it, man... My only suggestion is try to set up a rhythm, flow, and feel to the poem by playing with syllables

NOTE: Similies, metaphors, and personification are all key ingredients to a great poem!!

Crit my poem? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831179
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#4
"maybe she will get with you, flirt" dosent flow much "maybee she will give into you?"
Quote by jschock92
ok so here is a poem i wrote about abuse. clearly. to me it feels unfinished but also if i add another stanza it will totally break what i already have. hmm well feedback. please

c4c of course


(any title suggestions?)

You slam her against the wall
now don't you feel big and tall
i bet you will feel way better
when she covers her bruises with a sweater

i bet you only feel better?

she doesn't give in to your so called "charms"
so you just grab ahold of her arms
you push her back onto the bed
not even caring you smashed her head

she refuses to give into your so called charms?
you throw her back onto the bed?

yea, smack her a few times that'll do it
maybe then she will come to it
maybe she will get with you, flirt
only because she doesn't want to get hurt

are you happy now? you got what you want
go run off to all your friends and flaunt
but that poor girl just got abused
will she tell anyone why she is bruised?


interesting, though the rymes seem too forced
possable change some of the rymes to give it some moar dynamic?
#5
at least a good lyric in this forum!!!!
good job!!! it's so my style!!
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