#1
there was a ding
she was online.
it reminded me of the other night
when we clinked beer bottles.
then vodka 'n coke glasses.
then teeth.

she opened up a message box
and said hey, how you doin?
I tutted for the dropping of the letter
g without an aposotrophe.
again, I remembered something slightly relevant
when she said to me the other night
"nawhmeen" after commenting on
how only the girls with generous bosom
got the guys.

suddenly I had the urge to insult her,
call her a bitch and a hypocrite,
tell her that I didn't care that she couldn't
fill out her crop-top, that my hand would
still be sloshing around her pants
because, hey, she had good legs
and, when compared to some,
she gave extraordinary head.

i poked round the corner
of the computer suite and winked at her.
compared to some, she gave extraordinary head.


C4C. I'll get back to yo Mat and SYK.
#2
<3 Jamie.

Sadly, you lost me after line two. I just can't stand writing involving instant messaging and stuff.

Still I gave it another try, kept reading, found some enjoyable parts. The idea behind Stanza one isn't all that bad, I must say. "generous bosom" tilted me off for a second, but I guess it made me smile.

I liked the ending, brought a whole lot of humanity in the piece.

Good job, even though I can't say I'm a fan of this, only your setting is to blame, I must admit it's pretty well written. take care.
#3
Humanity? Lol

I'm trying to write using things some people enerally don't write about.

Thanks Mat. I'll get to Facades soon.
#4
i think it is too blunt. you're using interesting material you just aren't prettying it up enough for it to keep people interested. if you want to write a blog or journal entry or whatever you should do it, but don't consider overly wordy confessions to be something of worth. i didn't extremely hate it, that isn't really my point.. just that you could be a little more flowerly. poetry is gay, so i mean you should at least suck a little dick when you're doing it, right?

i think if you just spent a few minutes maybe using a little stronger metaphor or perhaps less of a dependency on anterior things like instant messages and go a little bit deeper. not too much, keep the bluntness you have it is really great but just make it a tiny bit pretty.
#5
I have to agree with pixiesfans (except the the dick sucking part). It doesn't really seem like a poem. It's more like, "oh, here's what happened to me today". You don't have to go all Shakespeare, but like it was said before it's missing that spark to elevate it.