#1
This match set ablaze
Like the fire in your eyes
Pour gasoline on me
And leave it all behind

Set me on fire
Let me burn away
You want to hurt me
Because i let you stay

Leave me to burn
Let the fire rage
Never to see me again
Left alone in this cage

These haunting memories
Led me into this dark something
The last thing i see before my eyes
As i fester and burn into nothing

So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me now how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame

Let me hurt the way i hurt you
Watch me suffer in pain
Pour this gasoline all over my body
And watch me burn away

As you watch me die
As you get back at me for what ive done
Know i will always remember you
Sometimes water is thicker than blood
#2
This match set ablaze
Like the fire in your eyes
Pour gasoline on me
And leave it all behind

Kinda vague, yet it brings curiosity I suppose.

Set me on fire
Let me burn away
You want to hurt me
Because i let you stay

Okay, I get the gist of what's happening now, and frankly I can relate, I like how you chose a more ambiguous way to convey your message, it makes it more mysterious and thought provoking. I wouldn't change much.

Leave me to burn
Let the fire rage
Never to see me again
Left alone in this cage

I like the rhyming scheme, it's plain and simple, and the stanza doesn't have too many syllables (which can often lead to a clustered messy tongue twister!)

These haunting memories
Led me into this dark something
The last thing i see before my eyes
As i fester and burn into nothing

The first two lines sounded a little bland, until I read line 4... it really tied the whole stanza together, so frankly I wouldn't change it. 4th line is pretty creative :]

So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me know how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame

I like this, I can relate very very closely, and I can feel what you're feeling just by reading. Nice and descriptive, again I wouldn't change this stanza.

Let me hurt the way i hurt you
Watch me suffer in pain
Pour this gasoline all over my body
And watch me burn away

Okay, I got lost in this because I can tell wether or not YOU have done something horrible to deserve this or she is just being horrible to you and you want her to feel it. If it's the second one, I can relate.. But I dunno, it's just a change of pace IMO.

As you watch me die
As you get back at me for what ive done
Know i will always remember you
Sometimes water is thicker than blood

Okay now I know what's going on, this about clears it up. I can relate to the beginning of the poem, but the end I can't as I've done nothing wrong (in my personal experiance relating to this poem), anyway- I like the last line, though I don't understand it, I think it sounds cool as ****

I liked this poem, I would gladly crit other work I see from you I wouldn't revise it too deeply. Crit mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831179
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#3
Pritty good. I find myself singing it in my head as a rap song, dunno why.

"These haunting memories
Led me into this dark something
The last thing i see before my eyes
As i fester and burn into nothing"
Led me into this dar somthing - Dosent flow very well for me. Im not really sure how Id change it though.

"So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me know how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame"
I love this verse, espeshilly that last line.

"As you watch me die
As you get back at me for what ive done
Know i will always remember you
Sometimes water is thicker than blood"
The last line dosent make much sence to me, and dosent seem to fit in with the rest of the song.

Overall I really like it. And cheers for the crit
My stuff:
Fender Tele 60's Reissue
Schecter Blackhawk
Vintage V300 acoustic
Yamaha RB170 Bass

Peavey Classic 30 amp

Boss SD-1, DOD Grunge, Guyatone PS-010 Compressor, Marshall SV-1, Vox V847, Zoom G2, Line6 Echo Park
#4
Hey Nick.

I would normally close this thread because it's wrongly titled, but since you seem to be following every other rule and making efforts on giving out helpful crits I'll just rename it.

Be sure to read the rules thread, it's the announcement atop the main S&L forum. There are stricter guidelines in this forum, especially about thread titles, that you need to know. It'll keep you from getting your thread closed in the future.

Thank you .
#5
This match set ablaze
Like the fire in your eyes
Pour gasoline on me
And leave it all behind


Strong verse, but not the best opening. It sort of leaps right into...something. But I'll let you get away with it if I find out later, though.


Set me on fire
Let me burn away
You want to hurt me
Because i let you stay


It gets more to the point here. So far so good.


Leave me to burn
Let the fire rage
Never to see me again
Left alone in this cage


I wouldn't change anything about this verse.


These haunting memories
Led me into this dark something
The last thing i see before my eyes
As i fester and burn into nothing


That last line is pretty damn sweet. Nice one. I'm not sure I like "dark something" though, it sounds a bit blah. I'd suggest "nameless something" but that's just me.


So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me now how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame


This one's good.


Let me hurt the way i hurt you
Watch me suffer in pain
Pour this gasoline all over my body
And watch me burn away


"All over my body" sounds wordy, I'd reduce it to "Pour this gasoline all over me." Otherwise, excellent visual you've got going here.


As you watch me die
As you get back at me for what ive done
Know i will always remember you
Sometimes water is thicker than blood


I understand this part perfectly. It really wrapped up everything.


Overall, I liked this a lot. It had good rhythm and flow, and a strong idea. Nice job!
...

#6
This match set ablaze
Like the fire in your eyes
Pour gasoline on me
And leave it all behind

Set me on fire
Let me burn away
You want to hurt me
Because i let you stay

Leave me to burn
Let the fire rage
Never to see me again
Left alone in this cage *seems like you just threw a random rhyme in there, I'm not quite sure where a cage comes in in this whole situation.

These haunting memories
Led me into this dark something
The last thing i see before my eyes
As i fester and burn into nothing

So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me now how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame * The last two lines in this are strong and ****ing amazing

Let me hurt the way i hurt you
Watch me suffer in pain
Pour this gasoline all over my body
And watch me burn away

As you watch me die
As you get back at me for what ive done
Know i will always remember you
Sometimes water is thicker than blood

I like how you acknowledge your own fault in all this, unlike most of the time when you only get one person's point of view, you admit your wrongs. The end of the song could be stronger though.
Bitch Stole My Taco!
#7
Quote by Take_Warning

Leave me to burn
Let the fire rage
Never to see me again
Left alone in this cage *seems like you just threw a random rhyme in there, I'm not quite sure where a cage comes in in this whole situation.



Well i wrote this song about how like you think friendship is something that lasts, but then it can turn around on you and corner you into a place where you dont want to be. Like when you try to give a friend advise and they turn around and get mad at you for it and you dont know what to do but you cant stop thinking about it so your trapped in it, or like when a friend tries to make you choose between them or someone else. I didnt really dive to much into the whole idea of being trapped by the whole situation, other than that line, so it is kinda random i guess since its the only time i touch on it, but its part of the feeling, ya know?
#8
Yeah, actually cant add much more to what people have already said. Please forgive, Im not being lazy but its tru, basically:

Good, clear metaphor and imagery
Decent rhyming scheme, some slightly forced ones(like 'cage') but overall good
Strong flow, except for thatline 'fester' which I think is too many sylables unless you take the rhythm of that line as different.

Overall Very Good
#9
water is thicker than blood, i kind of think i understand, water is a better solution, right?

i really like allot of the word choice, i can't relate to it personally, i'm far to nice but being stuck in an ultimatum like you explained, and the point of view thing, i almost always look at argument from all sides while mainly staying out of them, but when i am one of the main arguing people i also see what the other means, so i can relate to that,

i liked it over all, it would be a brave thing to actually send or show or even sing this to the person it is about, i also like how it sways from the typical love, sadness or show off songs.

the only thing i thought was a bit blurry, 'this dark something', why that choice of words?
too broke to beg or borrow
#11
thank you for the comment on my art.

a word of advice: don't limit yourself to 4-line stanza's. if you've got something to say, then say it; especially concerning a topic of this seriousness. usually 4-line stanza poems adhere completely to technique, and when you're writing about something so meaningful, the rhyming pattern can make it come off as totally cliche, and then it's the same old sh1t that we've all seen before. - not to say this was a bad piece, but just for future direction.

if this doesn't make sense, let me know. i'll check back later.
#13
good song, but will get confused with jimi hendrix's fire
If you like Blues/Rock then add me as a friend. I need to talk to some Blues/Rock Musicians and need reccomendations.
#15
This song makes me think of that picture with the burning monk. you know the one? Anyway, i agree with the guy who said that mostly everything that needs to be said has been.

All that i can say is i don't really like how you used "pain in your rhyme scheme twice. (as in 2 separate stanza's)

So pour this gasoline on my head
Watch me burn in pain
Let me now how you feel
All the sorrow, sadness, and shame

Let me hurt the way i hurt you
Watch me suffer in pain <--- There. maybe you could change it to be a total rhyme with "away" at the end of the stanza. something like "today" maybe, i think that would fit, but it could be a bit of a cliche rhyme.
Pour this gasoline all over my body
And watch me burn away


And i wonder how the thread was wrongly titled... =/


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=833986
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept