#1
mend
again
thick, white,
fibrous thread

you see
no mark
where it
has been broken

this heavy heart
of solid bone
fractured
and split

a series of
thin cracks
and deep
jagged rifts

it is not
a muscle
no engine
of blood

it is cold
and dry
no veins
doth run

but flesh
is weak
and it
is steel

real heartbreak
is hard to inflict
and harder yet
to heal


NOTE: The first verse is a continuation of the title. And it's a poem, not a song.

Please link me to whatever you want me to crit!
...

Last edited by Hannakins at Apr 7, 2008,
#2
Wow. i must say this is really great. Very outspoken on what the meaning is, yet using a few metaphores that really tie the meaning into the words. I relate to this a lot and think its a great song. the only thing i see wrong with it is how short the lines are, but hey, with a certain beat and rythm in a song, that could make it that much better... great job =)

Crit back =) https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13686319#post13686319
#3
Quote by NiCKh609
Wow. i must say this is really great. Very outspoken on what the meaning is, yet using a few metaphores that really tie the meaning into the words. I relate to this a lot and think its a great song. the only thing i see wrong with it is how short the lines are, but hey, with a certain beat and rythm in a song, that could make it that much better... great job =)

Crit back =) https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13686319#post13686319


It's a poem, sorry, I forgot to mention that. But thanks! I'll get to yours.
...

#4
A simple idea, very nicely written indeed .
If I had a lot more to say than that I'm sure it wouldn't be very insightful right now due to lack of sleep, so I may be back.
Somehow, although it's poetry, I think it would work really nicely with a alt. rock song..

I have two things in my sig, the second of which I'm trying to edit right now... some guidence would be nice if that's okay.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
I don't feel anything about this. It's just sort of there like the phone numbers written on bathroom stalls.
#6
Quote by HorridxHopes
I don't feel anything about this. It's just sort of there like the phone numbers written on bathroom stalls.


Ok, mind explaining why you think that?
...

#7
Ahmm...
But bones do have a blood supply and they do have arteries and veins running though them...
Sorry, being a med student i felt quite obliged to say that!

But yeah, its a good poem.

I liked the end where you compared heartbreak to breaking bones. LIke all along i was wondering why you're writing a poem about bones (although quite well written) until the end when it all made sense once you mentioned the heartbreak.
"it is cold
and dry
no veins
doth run"
Just like a heartbreak. You are left powerless, between
"thin cracks
and deep
jagged rifts"

Just like a broken bone, it happens deep within your body where "you see no mark".
(though you actually do see a big bruise if you've got a broken bone!).
But for the sake of this poem, lets leave science aside!!

All makes sense. You're turning to become my favorite writer in here!
You stuff is pretty simple (not a fancy diction fest) and yet still very emotional. The simplicity of your writings conveys the emotions very easily and strongly.

Don't have anything new written yet for you to crit. But i've got a few concepts in mind which i should get to complete sometime soon.

Anyway keep writing cool stuff!
#8
When I read it I immediately had the thought of grunge/Alt. rock.

"but flesh
is weak
and it
is steel"

This is the only part where I'm a little lost. Here I'm wondering if the first two lines are about flesh and the last two are about bone, or if it's meant to be contradictory like that.

Other than that I really like it. (Hah I can hear my band's singer singing it, he has a real grungy/alt. rock voice)

Crit mine?:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832355
Bitch Stole My Taco!
#9
Quote by af_the_fragile
Ahmm...
But bones do have a blood supply and they do have arteries and veins running though them...
Sorry, being a med student i felt quite obliged to say that!

But yeah, its a good poem.

I liked the end where you compared heartbreak to breaking bones. LIke all along i was wondering why you're writing a poem about bones (although quite well written) until the end when it all made sense once you mentioned the heartbreak.
"it is cold
and dry
no veins
doth run"
Just like a heartbreak. You are left powerless, between
"thin cracks
and deep
jagged rifts"

Just like a broken bone, it happens deep within your body where "you see no mark".
(though you actually do see a big bruise if you've got a broken bone!).
But for the sake of this poem, lets leave science aside!!

All makes sense. You're turning to become my favorite writer in here!
You stuff is pretty simple (not a fancy diction fest) and yet still very emotional. The simplicity of your writings conveys the emotions very easily and strongly.

Don't have anything new written yet for you to crit. But i've got a few concepts in mind which i should get to complete sometime soon.

Anyway keep writing cool stuff!


Thanks.

I'll keep an eye out for any of your new stuff.


Quote by Take_Warning
When I read it I immediately had the thought of grunge/Alt. rock.

"but flesh
is weak
and it
is steel"

This is the only part where I'm a little lost. Here I'm wondering if the first two lines are about flesh and the last two are about bone, or if it's meant to be contradictory like that.

Other than that I really like it. (Hah I can hear my band's singer singing it, he has a real grungy/alt. rock voice)

Crit mine?:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832355


Yeah, first two are about flesh, and the last bit's about bone.

Thanks for the crit. I shall return the favor.
...

#10
I've got to say, I don't particularly like the short line structure because it just didn't flow in my head. That's mainly my problem though, not a problem with the poem. Other than that, the imagery and language is quite nice. It manages to deal with heartbreak whilst avoiding cliche, although I thought announcing the theme in the last stanza was maybe out of place considering you'd kept up the metaphor unfalteringly until then. On the other hand, I like the last stanza on its own... So I don't know there.

One other thing, I'd make the second line "once again" rather than just "again".

Anyway... any chance you could crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832899
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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