#1
2 years gone 10 years later
This is a song ive been working on for a while now.
its about a recent break up i went through with a girl i was dating for 3 and a half years. I've thrown in symbols here and there, so it is somewhat symbolic of the relationship. The first verse represents when we were dating and how i would like her back, and the rest of the song is about the breakup

constructive criticism is always welcome!!

2 Years Gone, 10 Years Later

the verses are played clean, then add a little bit of distortion for first two choruses and bridge, then add quite a bit of distortion for the last chorus

Verse 1:

i watched the sun, come up around us, as we laid in bed
i held you close, to hear your heartbeat, as you whispered in my ear
you said "please dont", "please dont leave me"and i said i never would
so here i am now, singing my plea, please consider if you could

Main Chorus:

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

Verse 2:

i watched the city, glow with fire, and burn up to the sky
i saw the fear, rain down upon you, and shoot into your eyes
i watched the skyline, as it drew closer, to bury me again
i watched the sun, go down around me, as i laid alone in bed

and as i lay here, please don't forget me, i swear i didn't know
that this one song, will be the last thing, you hear before you go
**guitar riff to fill up the extra two counts before going into the chorus**

Main Chorus:

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

Bridge:

**no words, but has the guitar riff from second verse along with two other guitars playing riffs that blend well together**

Last Chorus w/ distortion:

[do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night]

[I know its broken
but i can fix this
just give me time
and i know ill make it

i know you want this
i can sense it
if you let me
i can make it better]

[all i wanted
all i needed
was to have you
right here next to me

but now you're gone
and im left standing
all alone in this
burning city]

[come back to me
im still waiting
you never told me
that you were leaving

we kissed goodbye
sunday night
**monday morning**
you were gone for good]

**this line can either be as it is or i could use "next thing i know". i just liked how the "monday morning line plays in with the "sunday night" to show how she dumped me out of the blue, we weren't arguing or anything**

i was thinking about playing the last chorus as is, then have over lapping vocals sing each count of the last chorus (each count is separated by "[" and"]"). just an idea im working with

like i said

constructive criticism is always welcome, and very much appreciated. the rhythm may seem hard to understand just by looking at the words, but with guitar and drums it flows pretty nicely
#2
2 Years Gone, 10 Years Later

Verse 1:

i watched the sun, come up around us, as we laid in bed
i held you close, to hear your heartbeat, as you whispered in my ear
you said "please dont", "please dont leave me"and i said i never would
so here i am now, singing my plea, please consider if you could

The flow is very messy... change your style of writing it out, try putting the commas as new lines.. like:

i watched the sun come up around us,
as we laid in bed i held you close,
to hear your heartbeat, as you whispered in my ear
you said "please dont", "please dont leave me"
and i said i never would
so here i am now, singing my plea,
please consider if you could

Doesn't that seem a bit more pleasant? I can really sense the flow there. Just a suggestion!


Main Chorus:

do you remember
when we were young
and we laid out in this
empty meadow

I'd like a juicier word that plain ol "laid"... kinda drab and bland, also try playing with the syllables.

well here we are
ten years later
will you feel the same
way you did that night

I think this would sound better sung, rather than read... this stanza just seems a little bland, really sorry... but I'm not wowed. Try other words to express how she felt.

Verse 2:

i watched the city, glow with fire, and burn up to the sky
i saw the fear, rain down upon you, and shoot into your eyes
i watched the skyline, as it drew closer, to bury me again
i watched the sun, go down around me, as i laid alone in bed

Oooh okay, the first 2 lines are very tasteful, quite vivid! Didn't expect it :] Very tasteful and vivid, I must say, keep working on that!! Metaphors, similies, and personification are your friends!!!!!! the last two lines werent as exciting, but i still was able to picture in my mind.

and as i lay here, please don't forget me, i swear i didn't know
that this one song, will be the last thing, you hear before you go
**guitar riff to fill up the extra two counts before going into the chorus**

I understand this is a song, and not a spoken word poem, but I must say that often I find couplets to have high standards... being only 2 lines. Try finding a better way to convey your message, and use a little different vocabulary than you're used to? Dunno, just a thought.

CHORUS AND STUFF


I know its broken
but i can fix this
just give me time
and i know ill make it

I can't really feel your sincerity... try using a more powerful word to stress your feeling.

i know you want this
i can sense it
if you let me
i can make it better

I'd like a little more to this.. the lines seem too short, I think you can add a bit more descriptive writing.

[all i wanted
all i needed
was to have you
right here next to me

but now you're gone
and im left standing
all alone in this
burning city]

The second stanza is nice... I like it as it is, but try using a synonym for burning, or augment it with a simile.

[come back to me
im still waiting
you never told me
that you were leaving

we kissed goodbye
sunday night
**monday morning**
you were gone for good]

Stanza 1 sounds a little too short lived... maybe add more syllables? And stanza 2, oooh sounds really filled with potential, try using something other than "gone for good", like... something else to convey that.


"2 years gone 10 years later
This is a song ive been working on for a while now.
its about a recent break up i went through with a girl i was dating for 3 and a half years. I've thrown in symbols here and there, so it is somewhat symbolic of the relationship. The first verse represents when we were dating and how i would like her back, and the rest of the song is about the breakup"


I can relate man, I write a lot of love/breakup poems. I'd like to see this spiced up a bit, remember SIMILIES METAPHORS AND PERSONIFICATION ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Crit mine?? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831179
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
Last edited by Raven  at Apr 7, 2008,
#3
Well i went through somethnig similar to that, going out with a girl that i loved for a long time then having her leave me for someone else so i really understand how you feel. this is a great song. I just would like to know if this would be more of a heavy sounding rock song or like a "hey there dalila" sounding song, because i can hear it in my head both ways. either way, i love the work bro =)

Crit back? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13686319#post13686319
Last edited by NiCKh609 at Apr 7, 2008,