#1
Hopeful and hatefilled we stand on the brink
Of a life of temptation, of scent and of stink
With the smell of sucess and the reek of decay
Filling our nostrils with each passing day

Gagging on air once fresh to our lungs
Now putrid, we choke and we fall to our knees


Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now


Adulthood taught just how to forget
All the lessons, of youth and innocence
led us blindfolded to the brink of the cliff
To throw ourselves over the unsure abyss

Falling through time and experience's tide
Screaming, exultant, morbid, out of mind


((Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now))


Now decline and fall before the sands of time
As deserts of space stretch before your minds eye
And the flickering wit that you still retain
Turned away from criticism, insult or pain

Trapped behind this wall of fragile, flesh
No point longing to return to the youth that you left


C4C fo' sure :P
#2
hmmm. interesting use of metaphores, although for me its kinda hard to follow what the meaning is. i found 2 meanings... i thought it could be about missing your childhood OR it could be about how you or someone else messed up your life, whether it be your father whom you mentioned or someone else. i like the wording and the flow of the song, so all in all it was pretty good =).

If u feel like critting back https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832093 there ya go =)
#3
Yeah more about the passage of life, but childhood is part of that definitely. Ill get critting yours now NiCK
#4
Hopeful and hatefilled we stand on the brink
Of a life of temptation, of scent and of stink
With the smell of sucess and the reek of decay
Filling our nostrils with each passing day

Gagging on air once fresh to our lungs
Now putrid, we choke and we fall to our knees

I LIKED THIS FIRST STANZA. IT FLOWED VERY NICELY AND HAD SOME INTERESTING RHYMES.

Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now

IM NOT TOO KEEN ON THIS PART; MAINLY THE LAST TWO LINES. THEY DONT SEEM TO FLOW AS WELL AS THE REST.

Adulthood taught just how to forget
All the lessons, of youth and innocence
led us blindfolded to the brink of the cliff
To throw ourselves over the unsure abyss

Falling through time and experience's tide
Screaming, exultant, morbid, out of mind

I THINK THIS IS BETTER THAN THE FIRST BUT IT DOESNT FLOW AS WELL

((Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now))


Now decline and fall before the sands of time
As deserts of space stretch before your minds eye
And the flickering wit that you still retain
Turned away from criticism, insult or pain

Trapped behind this wall of fragile, flesh
No point longing to return to the youth that you left

VERY GOOD IMAGERY BUT AGAIN THE FLOW IS HARD TO GET
OVERALL THIS IS VERY GOOD AND ORIGINAL TOO.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832624
#5
Hopeful and hatefilled we stand on the brink hatefilled isn't a word
Of a life of temptation, of scent and of stink
With the smell of sucess and the reek of decay
Filling our nostrils with each passing day

Gagging on air once fresh to our lungs
Now putrid, we choke and we fall to our knees


Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now
these lines don't flow that well....perhaps you should change it to "it was mine and yours, but it's no one's now"?

Adulthood taught just how to forget
All the lessons, of youth and innocence
led us blindfolded to the brink of the cliff
To throw ourselves over the unsure abyss

Falling through time and experience's tide
Screaming, exultant, morbid, out of mind


((Worms fill flesh
turned to dust by time
Return to the land
Which was once mine

Was mine and yours,
but no one's now))


Now decline and fall before the sands of time
As deserts of space stretch before your minds eye
And the flickering wit that you still retain
Turned away from criticism, insult or pain
i like this........especially the first two lines

Trapped behind this wall of fragile, flesh you don't need a comma here
No point longing to return to the youth that you left perhaps but an 'at' at the beginning of this line, i also think there are to many to's in this line but i can't think of any way to change it.

I liked this piece alot, there was a good use of metaphores and rhyme