#1
"sunday's kites flop fishlike in the browning grass,
wincing in strangled reprise
and gasping for a hand to hold them.
the wind tries desperately,
but with each gusting breath
comes a more tragic ending.
sunday's kites are unconscious."


her phantom lips should have
sunken with the ship
but they stick to mine like cake crumbs.
those fleshy putty pedals,
they shook my carbonated heart
dry.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Apr 7, 2008,
#2
'sunken' isn't correct. the past participle is just 'sunk.'

other than that, this was ok.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Apr 8, 2008,
#3
yeah, this is nice. it has got that abstract air to it where you could pull it off really well in some type of teenage setting. that isn't suppose to be a disgrace or anything, its very mature for its audience. a lot of it seems a little excessive in expression though, like you aren't really saying anything for a few lines and rather just reiterating the same phrase. the first sentence with the word 'browning' really supports that opinion. anyways, this is refreshing to me.. because it is kind of substanceless jargon to anyone but the writer and to have that kind of attitude is admirable, i suppose. hopefully, i'm not coming off to harsh because i like it.. i think it is good. just i think you should move past stuff like this and get into more personal realms as it'll make your writing more of something you created rather than just reproduced.
#4
I almost completely disagree with the comment above me. Just because someone writes something other than some Palahniuk-esque witty short story or some poem written in such linguistics and code that you honestly couldn't decipher it with a legend doesn't mean it's "teenage". Last time I checked adults loved one another and fucked one another.

I love simple things and I love this. I don't know how anyone could read it and not feel a personal realm.
turn me back into the pet that i was when we met,
i was happier then with no mind-set.
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
just i think you should move past stuff like this and get into more personal realms as it'll make your writing more of something you created rather than just reproduced.


I do have to agree entirely with this statment. I get the strange feeling that you and I are both stuck at a similar cross-raod despite being entirely different in style. Both of us are stuck at a cross-road of writing stories and punchlines that we thought up, but not encorporating ourselves into the writing, I think this is what I've been trying to say when I keep saying you need a "style change." I didn't mean a new way of wording things, but a new setof ideas... as you do need something more personal... in the same way that I need something more personal in my writing.

This was ok. It was a good piece for what it was, but it seemed sub-par considering the other things I've read from you. Nothing stuck out as terrible, but nothing stuck out as amazing either.

-zC
#6
Quote by Alicee
I almost completely disagree with the comment above me. Just because someone writes something other than some Palahniuk-esque witty short story or some poem written in such linguistics and code that you honestly couldn't decipher it with a legend doesn't mean it's "teenage". Last time I checked adults loved one another and fucked one another.

I love simple things and I love this. I don't know how anyone could read it and not feel a personal realm.


i'm glad you can understand what people are saying. this is written in such linguistics and code that you honestly can't decipher it and that is what i said the problem is. it has an arrogance of unsimplicity to it and that is why i criticized it.
#7
Quote by Alicee
I almost completely disagree with the comment above me. Just because someone writes something other than some Palahniuk-esque witty short story or some poem written in such linguistics and code that you honestly couldn't decipher it with a legend doesn't mean it's "teenage". Last time I checked adults loved one another and fucked one another.

I love simple things and I love this. I don't know how anyone could read it and not feel a personal realm.


It's pretty funny that you prop Palahniuk up as something otherthan "teenage." Just sayin'.

Arthur Curry, I can't relate to anything you write. It's all either too personal or just written too abstruse, I can't honestly tell the difference. Sure, your "cake crumbs" metaphor is wildly inventive, and, yeah, gorgeous poetry, but to me that's all it is.

If anything in this poem comes off as especially teenage, it's the diction in the first stanza. The words you chose to write about the kites' pain are just so bombastic. "strangled," "gasping," "unconscious" they're all just too much for what remains a fallen kite. I think you're over-personifying, and yeah it seems like immature writing. That said, your syntax is much better than the last time I read something of yours: "flop fishlike" and "gasping for a hand to hold them" stand out as two examples of really fine poetic phrasing.

In summary, I don't know. Who gives a shit if I can't relate, right?
#8
i understand what you're all saying. i agree, too, but i don't know how to change it.

but i don't think i over personified the kites since i wasn't talking about kites.
#9
Well I'm glad I opened up a world of hostility with that reply. That really wasn't my point, but I guess it's subjective.

Oh, and about Palahniuk, I wasn't putting him on any sort of pedestal, but just the opposite. I was just referring to his popular appeal using cheap shock value.
turn me back into the pet that i was when we met,
i was happier then with no mind-set.