#1
Hi S&L Just a short poem. I want to see what you guys interpret out of it. Enjoy!

And She Broke Away

And she broke away,
but not before passing.
Passing over the loveless
argument that traced paths like
web through a forest.

And she broke away,
but not before surpassing.
Surpassing the want
of compliance to a will that
was etched in stone.

And she broke away,
but not before packing.
Packing for her weightless
travels of imagination through
lost clouds.

And she broke away,
but not before catching.
Catching the rhythmic
messages that doves dropped
from high skies.

But doves are a man's sport,
and art is divine,
so she broke away,
without another line.
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Portugal. The Man »–
Last edited by jasonmetal love at Apr 8, 2008,
#2
And She Broke Away

And she broke away,
but not before passing.
Passing over the loveless
argument that traced paths like
web through a forest.

I think the flow got kinda messed up, I paused at "loveless", and continued with "argument"... Didn't sound too gewd, but that's probably not how it's meant to be read. I like the last two lines though... very creative similie.

And she broke away,
but not before surpassing.
Surpassing the want
of compliance to a will that
was etched in stone.

Hmm, again very creative at the end, the ending of your stanzas seem to be what you stress the strongest, which works just fine. I love how you didn't leave me hangin' when you said "not before surpassing".

And she broke away,
but not before packing.
Packing for her weightless
travels of imagination through
lost clouds.

Heeey this coincides with stanza #2! Neato :] I like how you totally brought that last sentence to life, it totally gave me a sense of what you were talking about... I love writers who use any any any type of vivid imagery of any kind. Good job, my only request is maybe add more?

And she broke away,
but not before catching.
Catching the rhythmic
messages that doves dropped
from high skies.

Dropped seems out of place.. just REALLY out of place. Try a shorter synonym?

But doves are a man's sport,
and art is divine,
so she broke away,
without another line.

I don't understand the metaphor in the first line.. and the last rhyme does seem a wee bland. just a small complaint thats all.

Dude, I liked this a lot... as I said I LOVE writers who use vivid imagery that puts me in a certain place, where I can really feel and connect with the poem, especially with similies metaphors and personification! I liked this poem, DO WANT MOAR.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~