#1
Johnny is sick.
No, I’m afraid he can’t come out to play
he’s been vomiting neon colored death all day
Sure, the colors look beautiful to us
but what falls in the bucket is rapid to decay
No, you shouldn’t come inside
the mess would be tough to hide
just stay out in your ignorant sunshine
you wouldn’t want to
catch the bug
because what Johnny has is realization
he missed his shot of rationalization

so stay outside in skies of blue and fields of green
and play
all day
and hope you die still seeing the beautiful colors

tell me why this sucks.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
Very Blood Brothers//Neon Blonde//Jaguar Love//any side project with Johnny Whitney in it, loveee it.
Except there's the bit here --

so stay outside in skies of blue and fields of green
and play
all day
and hope you die still seeing the beautiful colors


Where things get a little shaky. I like the last line though, maybe revise everything else?

And crit mine? Link in sig.
♥xx♥

#4
"play-day" rhyme is used twice, not sure if thats a good thing, and it seems a bit forced to me,
like the person above me the end is shaky,
"just stay out in your ignorant sunshine" didnt really enjoy this line.
"realization-rationalization" sounds a bit forced.
Awesome Idea, and some parts are good, just that it gets bit uncertain in some parts.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=831806
#5
Thanks foundation, you pointed something out I hadnt even noticed.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#6
I think the metaphor is a clever one, and the harsh nature of the piece brings out the message quite well, but there's one or two parts that grate slightly in a bad way.

I don't think you should say "all day" (edit: The second time), it seems to simplistic compared to the rest of the language. Also, make this one line:
"you wouldn’t want to
catch the bug"
Otherwise, the reader pauses unnecessarily.

Also, perhaps in the second stanza, reduce it to one "and", leaving the last line as a separate sentence. I think it would have more impact that way.

Apart from those minor points, good imagery, nice metaphor, interesting language. Nice one.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Apr 8, 2008,
#7
that was helpful "break", but when you say get rid of and before the last line, Im not sure what to replace that with so it makes sense.
EDIT: nevermind, Im an idiot.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#8
Quote by 12epi345
that was helpful "break", but when you say get rid of and before the last line, Im not sure what to replace that with so it makes sense.
EDIT: nevermind, Im an idiot.


Full stop, maybe?

I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
I would remove or change the last 4 lines, they're so weak compared to first section that it seems as though they were only tagged on to reinforce a point that's easy enough to understand without them.
Too much gain = Ears in pain