#1
with ease i sunk into covers
only movement in my head.
she talked about her mother and father like she was there
every person in its logical place.
all i know about my birth is i came feet first
and i’ve been standing all these years
holding old receipts and spare change.
i am ribs and kidneys
the upward notion of knees.

i’ve caught the sun
benevolent in heat.
my gasps for cold
overindulgence.
her steady rays tickle.

smeared across concurrent memories
i lay.
dreams occupied by Clarence and Alabama,
suitcases, and tempered minds.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Apr 8, 2008,
#2
wow, im liking this, great job.
Ill crit it when I have somemore time.
Quote by zapatista89
you know the music from zelda that plays when you open a chest? that played in my head reading that headline.
#3
I rarely crit your stuff, but I always read it.

I really really liked this.
I don't have much to say.

Shouldn't it be "dreams occupied" rather than "dreams occupies"?
Poor advice.
#5
That really got to me. Nicely written, too. I'm out of context, but "she talked about her mother and father like they were there" seems more logical to me, but maybe that's how you wanted to put it.

Of course I could get all picky and give you a lesson on capitalization, but I know you know that stuff, you probably just got lazy. I'll still say I hated the title to my guts though.

Still, one of my most enjoyable reads of the day.

edit : I don't know why I had so much reserve. Fuck it. My best read in a long time.
#6
I didn't like upward notion of knees. That felt too obscure an image. The reference sin th epenultimate line I also didn't catch so that kind of dampened the ending for me personally.

The birth/standing idea was great, really popped.

This was a good read, but from a personal level didn't connect too much.

I'll try and give you something better next time.
#9
I like the upward notion of knees.

I like this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
this was ok. i mean, you write pretty well and everything and i enjoy your pieces usually, but this seemed a bit lazy. it all felt kinda disjointed and awkward, and it was all just a little self-indulgent i suppose. i mean, i guess we're all self indulgent really, but this went a little far.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#12
i kinda agree with the above poster. it's just really similar to your other writings.
#14
this I though was in line with a lot of your stuff, but in a good way. Maybe even slightly more obsure than usual for you, i certainly get the feeling of mixed emotions and tugged feelings of confusion. Overall, just another solid piece from you that I enjoyed reading.