#1
c4c

Madame Medium draped unkempt fingers
into my palm. Tracing flow lines
and mumbling catchphrases.
"Interesting... Oh My."
She unclasped hands and my arm fell limp upon
her table, as she shuffled her magical deck.
One-card on the table.
"Oh dear."
Two-cards on the table.
"I see."
Three-cards on the table.
"My, My."

As she snapped the last card to the table,
she looked up at me, lips pursed.
My arm raises to shush her.
"Whatever you have to say;
put it in a fortune cookie.
No bad news can come out of a fortune cookie."
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 8, 2008,
#2
interesting. i've noticed that on all your pieces i've read so far, you have a little sentence, or thought, right above the piece elaborating on the reason you wrote the piece.
my words of advice: don't do that.
it creates a sense that you were so uneasy about writing this - at least that's what i take off of it. you're very creative...it shows. but no matter if you're writing about God or goat sex, pour your heart and confidence into it. i think you hold back because you can't justify the reason why you even wrote it - and it pisses me off.

if i'm wrong here, please correct me.

on the note of subject - it lacks. great concept, and wording for what you already have. i did like the piece, but as i said before, i feel like if i tried, i could absolutely tear this apart. of course, i don't want to, and i'm not going to. don't let yourself be taken advantage of with meaningless criticism; and take down the curtains....there's alot of sunlight outside.
#4
You're right Otto. I basically write because I'm bored. I don't really have a reason that I write... so it just ends up coming out detached. That was what my last piece was... trying to bring something personal into my writing. Plus, I've never been much of a writer... I'm a math/science guy. Thus, I'm never overly confident it will be good, because I know it is emotionless and probably not-to-well done. Also, please do rip it apart, if you feel up to it... I'd love to have a piece shredded to hell, so I can learn from it.

And thanks Nick, I agree with you on resurrected. I'll change it soon, but I think I'll leave pursed, I like the image.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 8, 2008,
#5
I could really see the scene in my head, and I liked the ending. I think the reason I could follow the scene so well is that it was written sort of like a novel would be, except for a few parts. nice writing.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#6
You shouldn't need a reason, you should just do it because you enjoy it, which is in itself as good a reason as any. And you're not a bad writer, practice will improve it, so don't lack in confidence, or at least don't let it show.

Now to the piece, it feels a little bit like an extract of something. Like we're not getting the full picture, which could be what you were going for. After all, that idea fits with the fact that we don't know what the negative thing was. But I think this is what was lacking, along with the slightly boring speech from the psychic.

It's very good in the descriptive parts, but other than the last line, the dialogue seems generic. I love the following bit:
"Tracing flow lines
and mumbling catchphrases."
Take the word 'Doc' out. It just doesn't fit.

If you would be so kind as to crit mine, it should still be on the first page, it's called No Man's Land. EDIT: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832899
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Apr 8, 2008,
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c

This piece offered very little to me in terms of theme or message, and I can't see the meaning here, apart from that fortune cookies rarely have anything bad to say.

Madame Medium draped unkempt fingers
"draped" is such an odd word to describe fingers. It implies she does this lazily or rather tired, which would not be the case with such a pyschic as they are enthuisiastic about what they do (they have to be to get your bunce) and drapeddoes not feel like the correct verb here.
into my palm. Tracing flow lines
and mumbling catchphrases.
"catchphrases" is a really ugly word.
"Interesting... Oh My."
She unclasped hands and my arm fell limp upon
Your wording here is sticky. Where's the pronoun gone? Why is it not there? Why is it not "her hands"?
her table, as she shuffled her magical deck.
The second part here needs some sort of distance in time from the first half of the sentence so "began" would probably fit in here nicely.
One-card on the table.
"Oh dear."
Two-cards on the table.
"I see."
Three-cards on the table.
"My, My."
This was just really dry.

As she snapped the last card to the table,
"snapped" connotes that she's angry when she's quite blatantly not. It's a very harsh sounding word, it seems to show she's not really taking pride in what she does when she is.
she looked up at me, lips pursed.
My arm raises to shush her.
Arm should so be hand. I laughed at the image. It also contrasts well with th eopening, she was working on your hands now you're using them to stop her from continuing.
"Whatever you have to say;
put it in a fortune cookie.
No bad news can come out of a fortune cookie."
As I said before, this ending really gave me nothing thematically or brought out any emotions to me. It's kind of a cool idea but in the end it feels so flat and lacking in anything I cared about I just grunted at clicked "post reply". An dId actually grunt.


I just couldn't get on board with this one. Have a nice day Zach.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c

Madame Medium draped unkempt fingers
into my palm. Tracing flow lines
and mumbling catchphrases.
"Interesting... Oh My."
She unclasped hands and my arm fell limp upon
her table, as she shuffled her magical deck.
One-card on the table.
"Oh dear."
Two-cards on the table.
"I see."
Three-cards on the table.
"My, My."

This part had me chuckling, but it all flows together really smoothly. It sounds like something a fortune teller might actuallly say.

As she snapped the last card to the table,
she looked up at me, lips pursed.
My arm raises to shush her.
"Whatever you have to say;
put it in a fortune cookie.
No bad news can come out of a fortune cookie."

I love that last line there; it's so true.


Overall, I think you did a really nice job.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#9
This was another beautifully sexually cute piece.
It made me want to wear a toaster to the bread convention.
You write these lovely little things that make me raise my eyebrows and flap my arms out to the side like wings. I don't know how you do it but you are one of my favourite poets on here and I thought that it would be nice if you knew it.

I don't think it's detatched.
I don't think anything you write is detatched, that's a long way to go.
They just sound like witty poems that someone has scribbled off after having a thought and that's the way they should stay,
fun to read. They aren't life-changing, but
they are actually ENJOYABLE which is more than can be said for the vast majority of things on here.

You remind me of the footballer who was surrounded
by the skilful team all doing kickups and then he waved to his mum and dad in the crowd and then he scored a goal and won the game.
#10
Consider scrapping the first stanza and letting the second stand alone? I liked this though. Showed some of your character. Hope you've got some prose coming.
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c

Madame Medium draped unkempt fingers
into my palm. Tracing flow lines
and mumbling catchphrases.
"Interesting... Oh My."
She unclasped hands and my arm fell limp upon
her table, as she shuffled her magical deck.
One-card on the table.
"Oh dear."
Two-cards on the table.
"I see."
Three-cards on the table.
"My, My."

I like it, its a nice style that you don't often see and something you should be proud of I like the unkempt fingers and the mumbling catchphrases bit "intresting oh my" was very good. I'm not so sure about the card bit, but there's nothing wrong with it.

As she snapped the last card to the table,
she looked up at me, lips pursed.
My arm raises to shush her.
"Whatever you have to say;
put it in a fortune cookie.
No bad news can come out of a fortune cookie."

Hahaaa love the ending, just love it. You spend all this time here figuring out your "fate" and whats going to happen to you, she goes to tell you and you just don't want to hear the bad news. I like how you put it though, no bad new can come out of a fortune cookie. Best bit I reckon!


Intresting piece over all, quite unique and thought out. I like the twist at the end. Would be nice to see some more from you! [="
Crit for Crit? The Unknown Thanks [=
O Hai der.
Last edited by TheThingKills at Apr 12, 2008,