#1
Work-in-progress. Also, working title, I may also call it drones. I just want to know what people think of it so far really. I'm not sure whether I'm intending to make a song out of it or just leave it as a poem. Crit for crit, I suppose? It does still work that way, right? It's been a while since I came here.


She takes solace in what could have been
Never doing, just remembering
The faint kiss of a life which she once knew
That now serves only to get her through
The days she spends aching with regret
Clutching onto what little is left
Of what has come and what has passed
Fragile things that weren’t meant to last
Reminders of what once she’d seen
She is the long forgotten Queen
Of no-man’s land

We spend our lives
Contemplating what we don’t believe
And we shun reality for our dreams
Those which we might have had
And those which were never true
These ambitious thoughts pollute our heads
Culling our productivity
Thoughts, memories, feelings can all fade

He has no place to call a home
But he feels as though he should have known
It would eventually get to this
A murmur, a shadow, a splinter, a kiss,
Of something that held meaning
Once upon a time
It shows behind his sunken eyes
As he says to himself
“I am the long forgotten King
Of no-one, nowhere, and nothing”
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#2
Very good. I mean that. You took a topic thats been used over and over, and made me read the whole thing. The only part I didnt really like was the ending.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
Thank you kindly .

What exactly do you think I could do to improve the ending? As I said, I'm probably going to add to it, so tips would be helpful. Also, do you think it would work as lyrics for a song or I should leave it untouched as a piece of poetry?
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
I think its great as poetry, personally Im not sure how it would work out as a song, but if you think you can pull it of, do it. Now, the ending, I think the king and nothing rhyme is forced. If you can change that (if thats what you want) imo it would be really good.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
Well the first stanza would work in a song because I wrote it with a tune in mind, but I don't know about the rest, I'd probably have to hold notes in certain words and so on to make it fit properly.

Ironically, that rhyme was the first bit I wrote of that stanza, because I wanted to end it in a way that mirrored the Queen part. However, as a result, I guess I did bend it a bit to fit it in. I'll work on it.

Do you have a piece you'd like me to crit? I looked for one and couldn't find anything... (Anyone else got any thoughts? Lots of different points of view are good.)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
Mine is called the colors? but dont worry about a full crit, just a comment or a thought would be great, seeing as thats all i gave you. And that is a good idea, mirroring the queen part.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#8
this is very good. if i was to describe it, i would say, insightful.

the middle stanza seems kind of out of place with the other two, seeing as they match. but it's very good as well and if you make all of this into a song, it would be a very good bridge.
#9
Yeah, if I turned it into a song that would be a bridge or chorus (although I don't think it would fit as a chorus particularly well...)
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#11
awesome

i can tell you put a lot of time into this piece
but i agree with some of the others its better off as a piece of poetry
#13
Well, time to break the cycle of praise... sorry mate.

Your writing was class, your ideas were there, your techniques were fine (Save for I hated the rhyming... just because it made it feel a bit cheesy to me). However, I couldn't help but feel disconnected from this. I've read it twice... and there is something about it that makes me feel like you weren't into this anymore by the time you finished it. You started out great... but by the end it felt like you were just writing to an ending... to the "punchline" you had. The whole thing was balancing on the edge of being emotionally involving and disconnected, and by the end... it just didn't draw me in as much anymore. I think it may have been the fact that you kept switching characters. Which was ok at first, in the first two stanzas because you start with a her and then include yourself... so its like a buildup to something personal... but then you switch back to an ambiguous he. That he is sort of a let down... because it seemed like we as readers had moved into the realm of the authors comfort and then were pushed back out, we were starting to learn something about the author and then he slung us back out to ambiguous third-partyism.

I might like it better if you switch the third and second stanzas and build to the "personal introspection" stanza wiht the "we." But I can't gurantee that, as the writing in the third stanza just sort of put me off anyways... it just feels different and not as engaging.

Sorry I can't be more specific... my main problem was the "feelings" I got from this.

-zC
#14
^^

Haha, no need to apologise, different people feel different things. Also, as I said, it's not finished. I fully intend upon putting another stanza in somewhere, so the end will be as good as anywhere else, and it will be from my own perspective.

I personally quite like rhyme if it's done the right way, so that's your own problem, not mine. In fact, I have a habit of forced rhymes, and that didn't happen here, the whole thing just pretty much flowed out of me (although the last two lines may be a little forced).

Anyway, thanks. Getting criticism is much more helpful than getting praise, at least when you plan to do more work on something.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#15
Quote by break-me-in

I personally quite like rhyme if it's done the right way, so that's your own problem, not mine. In fact, I have a habit of forced rhymes, and that didn't happen here, the whole thing just pretty much flowed out of me (although the last two lines may be a little forced).


Agreed on that. However, the more pieces I read, the more I feel that rhyme can be a hindrance if not done perfectly. Here, it helped the flow, but it also seemed to stifle the expression of the piece... it was good, but it wasn't perfect... which makes the piece a little bit cheapened. Sure, your rhymed weren't blatantly forced... but they also weren't completely smooth either. I guess I'm just picky with rhyming, because there is such a fine line between good rhyming and bad rhyming. So yes, it is my problem, but do consider what I'm saying and learn to be picky with rhyming, because it will bite you down the road if you learn to be ok with anything less than perfection with your rhymes. That said, the rhyming here was better than most of what is on S&L, but it could still be better.