#1
meditation.


c4c


-there's a smudge
on my glass face.
a apparent transparency;
such a guilty topography.
completely comfortable inside the
exoskeleton of an ugly nature.-


sudden, reoccurring thoughts
emerging at hand;
potential drowning effect,
my winter's river at bend.
the lesser of my being
on the reigns of my wind,
directing my ship,
i'm sailing upstream again.

swimming in the silence,
you'll never find me out here...
the coldest stone in my place;
bleeding eyes never tear.
i shuttered at the thought
of re-emerging in fear,
into a drought of forgiveness...
can you hear me out there?

another misconception of
the world where i live;
the faded lies on the walls,
i'm painting over again.
hoping that my features hold
to stable my sin;
the curse of letting it go,
it seems i'm letting go again...
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by ottoavist


-there's a smudge
on my glass face.
a apparent transparency;
such a guilty topography.
completely comfortable inside the
exoskeleton of an ugly nature.-

This was ok. Seems like there are some good lines trapped in there with some good ideas, but it got caught up in the execution end. There was so much going on and this read so "quickly" that frankly it became uncomfortable. I felt like I missed so much that it was sort of unsettling which is a bad place for a reader to be one stanza in. So, breaking it down further. I liked most of the individual images... the glass face, the "guilty topography." However I hated the exoskeleton line. Seemed much to "bold and bland" to really sit well within a stanza of such creative imagery. I liked the way this read though.

sudden, reoccurring thoughts
emerging at hand;
potential drowning effect,
my winter's river at bend.
the lesser of my being
on the reigns of my wind,
directing my ship,
i'm sailing upstream again.

First two lines are awful, there's no way around it. They say next to nothing (specifically line 2) and aren't even original or creative. I can look those up in any poem anywhere. I liked the rest, hands down my favorite stanza... as it read so well. Only qualm was the last line, "again" just felt sloppy... there was something about ti that didn't read as well... and it certainly ruined the smooth flow I had going. Idea wise, not as great. I was good until the last two lines... but sailing a ship upstream... could you ask for a more overused image? You know what I mean.

swimming in the silence,
you'll never find me out here...
the coldest stone in my place;
bleeding eyes never tear.
i shuttered at the thought
of re-emerging in fear,
into a drought of forgiveness...
can you hear me out there?

This was my least favorite stanza. I was ok until "I shuttered," after that, this just dropped to beginner level poetry. I mean, "re-emerging in fear" reminds me of Linkin Park, ending on a stereotypical rhetorical questions... meh. Also, I read somewhere that ellipsis should only be used once per piece if they are to seve their full potential, no idea if its true (it was an English professor if I remember right, that said it), but certainly something to consider. Two in a stanza is pushing it anyways.

another misconception of
the world where i live;
the faded lies on the walls,
i'm painting over again.
hoping that my features hold
to stable my sin;
the curse of letting it go,
it seems i'm letting go again...

Not bad, not great. Not much to say here. It wasn't mind-blowing but it wasn't bad.


Sorry if I come off harsh, but honestly, you are a good enough writer that you need some harsh words to kick you in your ass and move you forward. This wasn't your best. It was ok... and with some refining could be much better. But, there wasn't much in this piece that was terribly striking or "wow" worthy. It just simply was. It screams for pizazz or something to set it apart. It had decent flow, at the sacrafice of some cheesy/forced rhymes (you know what they are, so I didn't point them out). All in all, it won't win any awards, but it wasn't a bad read either.

-zC
#3
I agree with everything Zanas said and would also like to point out that there really didnt seem to be any meaning behind your words. To me it seemed like you just threw a bunch of big words together that sounded good. Maybe you could give a little insight as to what this song is even talking about?? sorry for the rudeness
#4
thank you for the comments fellas.

Nick - this "poem"(i guess you'd call it), piece, or whatever...not a song; it's my inclination of a first person perspective from someone i know that's so focused on their own self-righteousness, it sets them completely apart from reality. they won't accept any truth besides their own, even though they know it exists. - make sense?
Last edited by ottoavist at Apr 9, 2008,