#1
the distance between
my eyes and her eyes
leaves me in commiseration.
swimming through fields of grass,
i sigh, and exhale desire .
wondering how long until
i'd feel her
sweet nectar.
in Summer she blossoms,
a beautiful palette of colours.
how one could be a bee,
mindless
buit with the most rewarding of fruits.
maybe i could travel out there,
but i hear whispers calling,
"godspeed"

///

needs some improvement, it's personal but i think it's easy to understand. c4c as usual.
Last edited by TV Party at Apr 9, 2008,
#2
One question: Why the word "godspeed"?

I think the whole thing is cheapened by the use of the word lust. It seems like a very tender, loving poem without, but that word makes it solely about sex, at least in my mind.

Other than that, I can't really find much fault in it. It's slightly cliche in places, but it's difficult to write about love without being cliche, so I wouldn't blame you for that.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#3
this is about someone who is far away from me, it's a pretty lame use of the word but whatever.

what word would you recommend to replace 'lust'?
#4
Well if it were me writing it, I'd do it as "I sigh, exhaling desire" or something equally... damn I've forgotten the word. But you see what I mean. Then again, that's not your writing style and so you might not want to change it so drastically.

If you want a specific verb, I would maybe use "pine"?
Actually, I can't think of anything that quite fits. Hmm...
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#5
to replace lust, i'd use something that rhymes with sigh. so cry, or lie, i dunno. "i sigh, i cry" sounds kinda cliche to me, but it works.
#6
i liked this piece. and i think the last time i heard the word "commiseration" used was in a shaggy song :P
i wish you would've used a different verb than "swimming" b/c the first thing that popped into my mind was a carnivore (you know?) then i saw what idea the piece was going for and that verb usage really bothered me more. i dunno...bees do some sort of dance to show were nectar is, maybe something w/ that idea.
other than that i enjoyed it. the ending puzzles me a bit though, "godspeed" contradicts with the word "but." i'll add in a link to one i'll post up in a bit.


if you don't mind critting this one please. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13743383#post13743383
Last edited by somewhat_here at Apr 11, 2008,