#1
mm C4C as usual.. if this doesn't make sense or just stinks.. just say so.. caz i just kinda threw this together.. not as though i didnt care.. its just i wrote it in different moods so not everything will be coherent?

A million miles away from earth
And only forty miles from the sun
It’s so damn cold; I hope to die
I lost my mind from nine to five
Drink and cry, all my tears fall into the sky

In my rancor, I found the answers to my dreams
I touch the fennel, and I find, it’s still unclear
Picasso and Diego couldn’t paint a picture of this surreal
You sycophant, a fake to fact, rip you from my fairy tale

I’ll be dropping in from miles high
Rupture all the pillows in the sky
Rapture the eyes of a million toy soldiers
I’ll take this world with a holocaust
Freeze the frame with falling petals,
shadow of the sun

There is nowhere left to hide
Forty miles from the sun
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at May 20, 2008,
#2
I like the imagery and the switching of words like Rupture and Rapture, but the whole different mood thing kind of gives the whole thing the feeling of dreamy / craziness. The third paragraph talks about entering an atmosphere and taking the planet with a holocaust...

It sounds kind of cool in a dark, creepy, wtf kind of way, but it seems kind of like a different story since you go back to the drifting in space thing in the next paragraph. Maybe the third paragraph is your dream of returning to solid orbit, but why would you induce a holocaust on their people if your having a nice dream about being saved?

I'm also kind of tripping imagining how these are going to be sung, but I'm sure you had something in your head as soon as you wrote them. They are cool though, good imagery, just a little confusing on the meaning and message is all.
"Don't panic, everything is falling neatly out of order"
- Douglas Adams
#3
First overall impressions after my first read. I think that this is quite good, In that it feels as if it is very honest and you have written it straight from your heart and it is an insight into your moods. There was a couple of words in there that i had to look up, which did detract from the experience a little, but hey maybe i'm just a bit dim and no one else will have that problem lol.


A million miles away from earth
And only forty miles from the sun
It’s so damn cold; I hope to die
I lost my mind from nine to five
Drink and cry, all my tears fall into the sky


I'm liking the interstellar theme you've started off with. And the strong imagery is really good, I find this quite thought provoking. I also noticed the oxymoron in there - "forty miles from the sun
It's so damn cold"
I dunno if that was intentional, jus thought i'd point it out hehe (neither good nor bad imo)
The flow is good, even without any rhyme which is something i personally haven't mastered, so bonus points for that haha.

In my rancor, I found the answers to my dreams
I touch the fennel, and I find, it’s still unclear
Picasso and Diego couldn’t pain a picture of this surreal
You sycophant, a fake to fact, rip you from my fairy tale


Rancor was a word i had to look up... this stanza makes a lot more sense now i'm not picturing you inside a big monster from Star Wars...
I don't get the reference to fennel in the second line, sorry. The third line doesn't make sense, you need a noun to go with surreal.
Overall I didn't like this stanza as much as the first one. seems like you were in a bit of a "fuzzy" kind of mood, and that shows through in this stanza.

I’ll be dropping in from miles high
Rupture all the pillows in the sky
Rapture the eyes of a million toy soldiers
I’ll take this world with a holocaust
Freeze the frame with falling petals,
shadow of the sun


As with the first, this stanza is enjoyable to read. It conjures up a lot of visual imagery, and i think you've done this remarkably well. Not sure about your use of the word "rapture" I think you're using it in the biblical sense? just as a verb it generally means to enrapture (to bring to a state of bliss), so that was a little confusing for me. But poetic license is a great thing, and you've used it well


There is nowhere left to hide
Forty miles from the sun
Lost in space, oxygen deprived
Hearts growing dim, seas in wake of our demise


Good, strong last stanza, it ties up the piece well. the last line seems a bit forced to me tho, and it wouldn't hurt to drop it imo.

Overall, a great piece for imagery, and it is quite thought provoking. Well done
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#4
haha mm thx a lot. btw fennel is a flower. it represents frailty uh... mmm i forget.. but basically it doesnt last long after it's picked from the ground. it's a popular reference from hamlet. act 4 or 5 i think. where Ophelia is handing out flowers, she gives out a couple of flowers representing different things and she gives them to certain people
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
Cool that's fair enough. Makes some more sense now, damn me and my uncultured, non-shakespeare-readingness haha.
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
#6
thanks for the full crit. you were right, i rearranged and rewrote a few verses when i posted and i still dont quite know what the song is about so i think ill leave it for now.

okay, now for your piece.

A million miles away form earth
And only forty miles from the sun
It’s so damn cold; I hope to die
I lost my mind from nine to five
Drink and cry, all my tears fall into the sky

wow, i really liked this first stanza. it really encompasses what the entire piece is about. i love the imagery and the first two lines are the best.

In my rancor, I found the answers to my dreams
I touch the fennel, and I find, it’s still unclear
Picasso and Diego couldn’t paint a picture of this surreal
You sycophant, a fake to fact, rip you from my fairy tale

i like the flow of this part. theres not as much imagery but theres alot more emotion. i like the "a fake to fact", perfect metaphor. and i love it when people reference other artists in thier work.

I’ll be dropping in from miles high
Rupture all the pillows in the sky
Rapture the eyes of a million toy soldiers
I’ll take this world with a holocaust
Freeze the frame with falling petals,
shadow of the sun

the imagery in this stanza is alot different than in the previous two which is kind of confusing, i dont really like the pillows part. apart from the other two verses this one is great but when you put them together they clash a little.

There is nowhere left to hide
Forty miles from the sun

perfect finish.

overall this is excellent. you are a great story teller and poet. this is way out of my league so you dont really have to worry about any bad things i said. thanks again for the full crit, it was very helpful.
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#7
Quote by me<-needs help

A million miles away form earth
And only forty miles from the sun
It’s so damn cold; I hope to die
I lost my mind from nine to five
Drink and cry, all my tears fall into the sky

I like it, pretty strong stanza. The 4th line seems a tiny bit out of place, but overall, good stanza.

In my rancor, I found the answers to my dreams
I touch the fennel, and I find, it’s still unclear
Picasso and Diego couldn’t paint a picture of this surreal
You sycophant, a fake to fact, rip you from my fairy tale

Really strong, keep this the exactly way it is.

I’ll be dropping in from miles high
Rupture all the pillows in the sky
Rapture the eyes of a million toy soldiers
I’ll take this world with a holocaust
Freeze the frame with falling petals,
shadow of the sun

The holocaust line doesn't seem to fit, other than that it's good.

There is nowhere left to hide
Forty miles from the sun
Good ending, it works.


Overall, it's a very good piece in my opinion. It really makes you think and it catches your eye. Very good work.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
#8
i like it dude besides the hope to die and the crying part lol just not my style. but yeah thaks for the crit on my first lyric (my only friend) i understand what you mean about people watching to many horror movies, i am definatly one of them hahaha, i should have something else up for crit in a week or so so i look forward to hearing what you have to say bout that if you will be so nice to look at it. lol
peace
#10
Nice. Wished I could write lyrics like that :p
"I wish I had a Dean :/ Some day I will get my wings too "


I am a beginner guitarist and I am so proud I joined the guitar world ^^ It's pretty cool. Songs I learned till now :

Talk by Coldplay