#1
i wrote this song on the bus ride to school this morning**


God be with you
when you close your eyes
(can you see)

everything that
you hold dear will die
(everything)

just cover up
all the pain with lies
(that you caused)


just stop breathing
just stop believing
this will come to pass

once the sun sets in his throne
he'll judge you on intent alone

once the sun sets in his throne
goodnight
goodnight
#2
This is good in some ways, but lacking in others. For example, the second and third stanzas are basic and cliched, whereas the rest is good, particularly the sun/throne 2 lines.

It feels as though it needs developing, it doesn't work as such a short piece, but once you do that I can imagine it would be good.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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^ Irony

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#4
Quote by heavyairship
pretty good for a bus ride song. keep working on it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=832624


That was not a crit, that was barely a comment. You may as well not have even read the song. To have the audacity to post a link to your own piece after that as though he should return the "favour" is ridiculous. It's annoying the number of people that do this with the S&L forum, just say "I think it's good" then expect a crit back.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT