#1
come aboard
so broad, they approach

welding nothing but fingers
holding the same intentions as knifes
no hands free
to feed their children

sin falls
along with blame

sin falls
amongst us

"Do i hear rain"

grab a bucket
sin will distill

stay away
stray child
stray away
from the medicine cabinet

so enticing
it wont fill
so enticing


//////another day in math class

this is straight from my head to paper no revising like most of my songs

made a little bit of revising still need to rewrite it any advise would be great\

also i know its vague
but it represents coming to this earth..then failing into the flaws of mankind,
no one wants to take the blame for their sins...as if they're doing nothing wrong if they get away with it
thus their children learn from there influence
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Apr 9, 2008,
#2
An unfortunate fact of poetry/lyricism is that you can talk about suicide, it's okay...until you actually say words like "gun, pills, knife," etc, or phrases like "want to die." So, basically, my advice to you is to remove the word "pills" at the very end and see if you can elude to it without sounding so stereotypically emo.

My other suggestions are:
1. in the first verse, you use the word "boarding" and then the word "board". It would sound better if you didn't.
2. You refer to sin a lot. I think it would strengthen this is you made it clearer what sort of "sin" you're talking about.
3. Just in general, try to make it a little less vague. If you throw in a few concrete images, that'll be good enough. As it is, it's so vague that people will quickly lose interest in it.

Overall though, I liked it. But since it's unedited, like you said, I think there's definitely room for improvement.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.