#1
Im 15 years old, this is the first lyrics I`m writing so don`t be too harsch. I don`t speak english as my mother tounge. Please tell me what you think

Verse1:

She told me that she was in love
That she was shot with Amors bow
But she was just pretending
This love had a bad ending

Verse2:

Was it all just a lie?
I just wanna die
Im in a lot of pain
Just walking in the rain

Chorus:

Let me in
Start to win
This is the price
Of telling lies!

Verse3:

This love can`t be real
You didn`t want to feel
You played me like a fool
You treated me as a tool

Rep. Chorus

Verse4:

I wanted to be the one
but now your gone
Im lying in the bed crying
Would you care if I was dying?

Rep. Chorus
Last edited by HenkiThaBooY at Apr 9, 2008,
#2
Verse1:

She told me that she was in love
That she was shot with Amors bow Amors bow? I think cupid's arrow would be better here
But she was just pretending
This love had a bad ending
personally i would change this line to 'this love had no happy ending' but it's fine the way it is

Verse2:

Was it all just a lie?
I just wanna die
Im in a lot of pain
Just walking in the rain
For me walking in the rain is peaceful and calming which does not go with the fact that you are in pain, i would suggest that you change this line. Also the words pain and rain and lie and die are too similar

Chorus:

Let me in
Start to win
This is the price
Of telling lies!
What has winning got to do with the song?

Verse3:

This love can`t be real
You didn`t want to feel
You played me like a fool
You treated me as a tool
once again the words are too similar, but if that is how you want this piece to sound then there would be no point in changing it

Rep. Chorus

Verse4:

I wanted to be the one
but now your gone
Im lying in the bed crying
Would you care if I was dying?
I liked this verse, it's my favourite one in this song

Rep. Chorus

I liked this song, sorry if i was too harsh....i tryed not to be
#3
this is really good for a first song. and dont worry about any negitive comments, alot of people who have been writing songs for a long time tend to be kind of brutal on newbies but thier only trying to help.
having said that; if i were you i would change the line "im in a lot of pain" to something a little more poetic. and i agree with decieveroffools, i dont get the " start to win" part but i do like the line "this love had a bad ending"

overall this is a great effort. over the next few months your skill level will grow by leaps and bounds and your already pretty good. my advice is read as much poetry and lyrics and books as you can and it will help you grow as a songwriter.
Last edited by heavyairship at Apr 10, 2008,
#4
Thank you both for the critisism.
As I already said, I don`t speak English as my mother tounge so its impossible for me too come up with words that i`ve never heard before