#1
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Yea, I don't actually have a title for this one yet guys, so feel free to help me out there as you crit. C4C. oh and if iI owe anyone a crit, please remind me, haven't been on in while so i've probably forgotten.

Title added. I don't know why i didn't think of this for a title earlier on. writers block i suppose lol. thanks for the crit's guys. much appreciated.

So anyway here it is. Enjoy!

A craving for love
with no hand to hold
Together with you
is how I wanna grow old

I miss you dear
My sweet winter rose
But for you i can wait
Year after year

I look into your eyes
And love is what I see
To me that's no surprise
But love is never free

To think that would be foolish
I know what i must do
Please don't cry my love
I'm always here for you.

Happy now?
Quote by sickman411
S-Gsus wept
Last edited by S-Gsus at Apr 11, 2008,
#3
wow.. i loved this.. lol this is what i used to write.. now it's all dark and sht but hahah thats is neither here nor there.. i love this.. it was.. touchin.

A craving for love
with no hand to hold
Together with you
is how I wanna grow old

i love the word usage here. very good i like the ABCB rhyme it sounds great. the flow is good here too.

I miss you dear
My sweet winter rose
But for you i can wait
Year after year

once again.. you pull away with a great stanza... lol i lvoe it ha ha: maybe try to make this ABCB so it fits with the rest? though ABCA is just as good i suppose.

I look into your eyes
And love is what I see
To me that's no surprise
But love is never free

this is very good. but the last line, i regret to say, sounds forced. i dotn understand where you get "love is never free". it just doesnt seem to connect with the rest of the stanza.

To think that would be foolish
I know what i must do
Please don't cry my love
I'm always here for you.

mm the closing.. is satisfactory. but i thought something this great deserves a better closer. the first line is very good. the last three i cant say i'm a big fan of. they are good and i like hwo you go back the the ABCB that you started with.

like i said before i loved this piece.. it was really good overall. it's very good. doesnt have much like imegry or hyporboles or anything but it's sweet in it's own way and not cliche, which i tip my hat to you for many love songs are cliche and over done but i think this one really hit it on the nose. the flow overall was solid. the beggining is strong though i thought that the closing stanza could use some work. crit mine? in sig. you will lfind it much darker then this lol. but as i said b4 i used to write this stuff that you wrote. but i guess my lyrics/poems go to and fro with my moods.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
oh yea you better slap a title on this asap b4 they close it eh? maybe.. love is no rose,
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
Quote by S-Gsus
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Yea, I don't actually have a title for this one yet guys, so feel free to help me out there as you crit. C4C. oh and if iI owe anyone a crit, please remind me, haven't been on in while so i've probably forgotten.

Title added. I don't know why i didn't think of this for a title earlier on. writers block i suppose lol. thanks for the crit's guys. much appreciated.

So anyway here it is. Enjoy!

A craving for love
with no hand to hold
Together with you
is how I wanna grow old

like this part nice. =]

I miss you dear
My sweet winter rose
But for you i can wait
Year after year

i like this verse but maybe mess around with the lines and try to keep the same rhyme pattern as the first stanze it gives the song more flow. btw nice metaphor ( i think ) lol. there. =]

I look into your eyes
And love is what I see
To me that's no surprise
But love is never free

good meaning.

To think that would be foolish
I know what i must do
Please don't cry my love
I'm always here for you.

great ending good job

Happy now?



overall nice work i would like to here this with usic put to it. thns for the crit too .. ya i felt mine was a little long lol. and nice title i like the one called a night on the town i think you said... lol. ill use it

anyways ya nice poem. thnx for the crit. keep writin
#7
mmm very good. it's not complex, the flow is very simple which completely matches the song overall.
I like it, short and sweet.
Not too much too add on to what else has been said except I find the ending bit a little confusing, like it doesn't entirely match the rest of the piece.
Very good work.


Love the Low end