#1
"I Shit bricks"
I told him
slap one, hurt
more than I'd have thought
"Couldn't stand up, had to back down"
"Sit down" he said
couldn't stand up again
"Stand up for yourself"
stood up, slap two
red hand-turkey,
drawn on porcelain
red handed refrigerator art evidence
it will hang in the junk drawer.
"You know what you are, and what you aren't"
a statement. not a question, but a sentence.
"If I try just a bit more though -"
slap three, just for the thought
"Stop beating yourself up" he said
I asked "Don't you wish you could?"


Don't know about the structure. My only wish is that you tell me why you think it sucks, and if you like, I'll do the same for you.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Apr 9, 2008,
#2
You've tried to pull off something here, that I honestly don't think you as a writer are ready to pull off. I made the same mistake a few weeks ago. You tried to base an entire piece around a dialog, without going into the "he said, she saids" which, in theory is a great idea. In execution, its much more difficult than one would think. So asked for it, so here is why this sucks:

1) Your dialog is near impossible to follow. We as readers rarely know who is saying what, or if you are thinking this or if you are talking to yourself. You haven't given us enough to truly construct a scene.

2) The actual dialog was bland. If you are going to use dialog like this (an almost exclusively dialog piece), your dialog needs to carry the piece. Here, you had little snippets of fact in between bland statements carrying the piece along, which gives us the feeling that your dialog is inconsequential and just thrown in there to be "artsy." Which, honestly it was here. If you want your dialog to be the driving force of the piece, make it the driving force, not a background thought.

3) The piece was lacking originality. Sure, you tried something new. You tried to do something that was pushing your bounds, and that is to be applauded, however... you did this in such a typical way. You used a fairly bland idea in the first place, you used safe lines, you didn't say anything to make me think, you didn't say anything witty, you didn't have a punch line to justify reading this and I didn't take anything personal out of this.

4) The scene you did paint felt half-assed. You gave me some of an idea... you gave me some of a scene. But you didn't give me enough to really point my finger and go, "ha, that's what he's talking about here." I don't know anything about characters, I don't know why they are throwing childish insults at each other... I don't know anything and thus I can't relate. You are doing hte same thing I've been doing for a while, throwing in generic characters that no one can relate too... but are there to carry the story. I'm slowly learning that doing this makes hte reader feel disconnected because there is nothing to relate to in the characters. That's how I felt here.


Sorry to be so harsh, but if you are going to grow as a writer, someone has to do it. I do applaud you for branching out from what your past pieces have been... continue to expand your writing horizons... but you need to refine how you do it as well.

-zC

(comments on Madame in the sig are appreciated, or if you are in the mood for an long read, the other two are together and I wouldn't mind if you wanted to comment on those)
#3
I did forget the first "I", which might have caused confusion if you think that was an insult.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#4
You gotta do a lot of editing. This could be something, but the majority of it reads very awkward. Just doesn't flow.

Quote by 12epi345

a statement. not a question, but a sentence.
"If I try just a bit more though -"
slap three, just for the thought


This part, i liked most. Don't know why, exactly, but maybe you could edit the rest to fit it to these lines? Just an idea, though.

Now tell me why I suck. (blank slate, in my sig)

Edit: Oh, and listen to the guy above me. Sounds like good advice.
#5
Ok I liked it but I comprehended 0% of it. and they are right the flow is off. oh and I really dislike that **** is the second word, I'm not saying dont swear but when its the second word it kinda puts off the whole song

I liked it in a quirky why...if it meant something I didn't catch that