#1
c4c please

This dialogue never ends
Where I use words that aren’t mine
A poet who speaks
With much less eloquence
Than he reads
So I chock it up to arrogance
Some vague depiction of intelligence
I hope you can’t see my soul
Roll off my tongue and spit it in my face
Wishing I was blind to the mirror
The truth will set you free, they say
It’s a difficult task when the chains
Are attached to the root of a man
Entwined with each drop to my mangled brain
That rotten obsession with fairy tale future
The spotlight I shone on my shoulders
Standing alone with the scenery
Singing and screaming over everybody.
The worlds not a play if you’re the only actor
It’s a speech full of words that don’t line up
Filled with an audience that doesn’t care
Nearly as much as my ego insists
Last edited by clichealias at Apr 11, 2008,
#2
Post this at another time besides midnight to other people besides those who have passed Alcoholism 101 with flying colors.
Pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the f***ing car.
I love pulp...
Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair...

I will find this girl.

#4
this might be my favorite from you. The flow of this really is something from the heavens, and at times it seemed we were peeking into the darkest corners of your soul concering stuff I question YOU really even know much about.

Though I am not crazy about the last line, I guess especially the use of the words 'love' and 'fear'. I just think these words seem too bland and stand out way too much compared to the rest of this. Just a suggestion, cause this piece really was great.
#6
I totally know what you are trying to say

Quote by clichealias
c4c please

This dialogue never ends

Good intro but not that gr8 but surely increases curiosity . Instead of dialogue maybe "conversation" just to give it a more casual feel . It's a personal choice anyway


Where I use words that aren’t mine
A poet who speaks
With much less eloquence
Than he reads
So I chock it up to arrogance
Some vague depiction of intelligence
I hope you can’t see my soul

First line is not as orignal as rest of the stuff but overall the whole effect is really nice . Philosophy is good in its own sense and way u used "arrogance" was really inspiring for me in some strange sense.

Roll off my tongue and spit it in my face
Wishing I was blind to the mirror
The truth will set you free, they say
It’s a difficult task when the chains
Are attached to the root of a man
Entwined with each drop to my mangled brain
That rotten obsession with fairy tale future
The spotlight I shone on my shoulders
Standing alone with the scenery
Singing and screaming over everybody.
The worlds not a play if you’re the only actor
It’s a speech full of words that don’t line up
Filled with an audience that doesn’t care
Nearly as much as I love or fear

Absolutely fantastic . Everything is perfect . Don't change anything . I don't agree with above posters I think ending works fine because of the way u used "arrogance" as a characteristic of your nature.




Overall really good . I'm srry for my lame crit . Its been a while .
Hi
#9
Quote by Mlnwd
good stuff
congrats

check out mine? it's kinda dumb and really short but i'm proud of it

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=835227


I'm not sure a congratulations is in order, but i'll check it out a little later, yeah.
#12
Quote by clichealias
c4c please

This dialogue never ends
Where I use words that aren’t mine
A poet who speaks
With much less eloquence
Than he reads


the line breaks here are nasty. horribly choppy. maybe thats a deliberate lack of eloquence or something, but it was bad to read.

So I chock it up to


'chalk', not 'chock'. i know its pedantic, but things like this really put me off.

Some vague depiction of intelligence
I hope you can’t see my soul
Roll off my tongue and spit it in my face
Wishing I was blind to the mirror
The truth will set you free, they say
It’s a difficult task when the chains
Are attached to the root of a man


these last three line had a fairly neat little thing going on.

Entwined with each drop to my mangled brain


i just don't like the use of entwined, something can't be entwined with a drop. i mean, obviously it can be in a figurative sense, but i think this would be much better with a word which works both figuratively and literally.

That rotten obsession with fairy tale future
The spotlight I shone on my shoulders
Standing alone with the scenery
Singing and screaming over everybody.


this is the first piece of punctuation. i'd have preferred some sooner. a lot of meaning was unclear because of the lack of punctuation. maybe that was intentional, but either way, it made it pretty lame to read.

The worlds not a play if you’re the only actor


i don't understand why you've used 'play' here. i mean, 'stage' works equally well metrically (in fact, better imo), and it also makes the shakespeare allusion work properly, which then links back to the second line. by using play it just really jars and looks very much wrong. i mean, i guess that fits with the following line about words not lining up, but whatever, i'd rather you made the allusion properly.

It’s a speech full of words that don’t line up
Filled with an audience that doesn’t care
Nearly as much as my ego insists


i think the big problem with this piece is that the final lines are exactly right. this didn't make me care at any point. it was self indulgent. being self indulgent and self centred can work just fine (cf, derek walcott - nearing forty) if your writing is good enough, but i don't think yours was. nothing jumped out as particularly well written or insightful. there were some decent images and ideas and turns of phrases, but there were also plenty of dull ones which the decent ones just weren't good enough to compensate for.

sorry to be harsh of whatever, but for me this just missed the mark. congrats on the wotw anyway though.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.