#1
i couldnt get to sleep last night and id already had a wank so i wrote this song.

on the road to a peaceful hillside
i wonder which way west is
pretty girls summer dresses

what i try to hide in words
my shy gaze confesses
pretty girls summer dresses

all my time here is wasted
many things i never tasted
try to win you with a rose
shrink away when i get close
a smile only love posesses
sweet nothings soft caresses
her heart as big as texas
pretty girls summer dresses

living dreams unfulfilled
i wonder where the rest is
pretty girls summer dresses

peace and love to troubled lands
her tounge sweetly blesses
pretty girls summer dresses

i have music for this, sort of the same feel as going to california. i know it has some flow problems and i might rearrange some of the verses but i wrote it in like ten mins. any comments or suggestions are welcome and ill try to hit you back as soon as i can.
#2
That's pretty cool dude. If flows really nicely and you have a nice vocabulary. It all fits together like a jigsaw puzzle.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#5
sorry theres not much for me to say to make it anybetter
i was going to crit line by line but after looking at it...good job

its
literally
paints a vivid picture
flows real well
#6
ahhh yes! this is good!
very refreshing to read. The imagery is very good and i get a great clear picture in my head.

My only thing about it is the 4th set of lines.
living dreams unfullfilled
i wonder where the rest is
I'm just not sure where it fits in like it doesn't really seem to fit the rest of the song. Maybe it's just me though.
Anyway, a great read!


Love the Low end
#7
Very nice way of explaining the juvenile love

I fancy the whole idea of the song, and most of the stanzas works really great.
My only concern is that i don't think your pictures work in the way you want them to.
Maybe you should go each verse through and think about what you wanted to say with it
and in what way you could say it more subtle

else i like it very much this song just need some caresses and dresses then its complete
#9
on the road to a peaceful hillside
i wonder which way west is
pretty girls summer dresses

mmm it's aight. bit confusing at first but i read the last part explaining the west thing and i got it lol. not bad i suppose

what i try to hide in words
my shy gaze confesses
pretty girls summer dresses

nice nice, solid stanza here. dont change this, this is a definitly solid stanza you wanna keep

all my time here is wasted
many things i never tasted
try to win you with a rose
shrink away when i get close
a smile only love possesses
sweet nothings soft caresses
her heart as big as Texas
pretty girls summer dresses

mmm you can do better then win you with a rose, cliche, the rhyme is relaly forced... it relaly doesnt make sence not good. rhyming wont make your flow better if you randomly slap it in, but it will help if you use it well, i mean if it sounds very comfortable and natural. like carresses and texas its sounds pretty good and it makes sence a bit forced but it is passable.

living dreams unfulfilled
i wonder where the rest is
pretty girls summer dresses

mm it's aight.. just seems like a filler stanza tho, unnecessary

peace and love to troubled lands
her tounge sweetly blesses
pretty girls summer dresses

mm seem s bit forced again with the rhyme.

over all it was.. ok the closure was.. a bit weak. and some of the rhymes were forced. and other lines seemed more filler then anything else. but you did have a few solid stanza's taht i thought were pretty good. mm all i can say it keep trying. every time you right it should get easier to flow and rhyme and such. Crit mine? in sig C4C and try not doing some short one.. i've seen some of your crits.. they are.. weak
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#10
lol CHeeaiil it's all good man. just keep trying and you'll get there man. i was really bad when i started so it's no sweat man, and now you have this forum to reference. dont worry you'll b aight.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")