#1
I have written a short story and i was wondering what the pit thought of it. it is kinda rough but i would like to hear any praise or criticism. and i am sorry if there is a short story thread i looked but didn't find anything so please no search bar jokes.

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Euclid Xylander prepared himself for his work. Sitting out in a black sedan, the rain beating a soft drum against the windscreen. Sending a prayer out into the night, make me strong, keep my hand sure. A mantra flowing through his thoughts. Stepping out into the night and throwing the hood of his cloak across his grey wiry hair. Scratching his rough beard with one hand, the other holding tools for his macabre task. As Euclid made his way up the walk to the dark house, the streetlights reflected in the rippling pools cast by the rain. The normally locked front door opens easily as this dark hunter sets himself to kill. Gliding across the marble flooring and silently yet swiftly making his way up the stairs. Walking into his prey’s room, soundlessly setting the velvet case holding the unfortunate end of the man in the bed quietly snoring. Xylander sliding the silver shafts together creating a two foot long steel spike and grabbing the hammer nested between the folds of cloth that rest in his case. Raising the spike over his victim, lowing it less than an inch over his right eye.
Patience.
He who betrays the trust of the Night must pay.
Waiting.
Silent.

Nathan Goss lay asleep in his bed. Not aware of the three pound steel spike hovering above his right eye almost close enough to remove his eyelid if he were to move too suddenly. But he wont move. Not tonight. Dreaming of the one who once occupied the other side of his bed, hearing her screams, his face alight with joy. Never thinking that his fate might soon be one so close to hers. The one he set upon her. A sudden jolt and his eyes snap open never moving a muscle.
“Hello Nathan” a soft voice echo’s in the room. “you have failed to meet your end of the accord and now your end you shall meet.”
“I will get it I swear.” a soft panicked voice makes its way out of his mouth as his vision blurs looking at the spike.
“There is no extensions on the Fathers contracts” the voice of the strange is soothing to Nathan’s ears as Xylander speaks.
“We did as you asked. You wife lay dead in the earth not a month gone and you lay sleeping in bed without giving us the talisman. You disappoint me.” Xylander whispers barely reaching his victim, but heard very clearly. Nathan’s chest starts to rise faster as his realization of his death sweeps over him. A cold feeling creeps up his body. The feeling of death he thinks.
“your time has come” Euclid chants as he raises his spear, his target is immobilized by fear. Letting the spike fall splitting Goss’ pupil in two, slicing through his retina and cornea lodging itself in his scull. A deafening scream erupts from his lips as his body contorts but his head never moving. The stranger who caused Nathan such pain not phased by such shrill screaming raises his mallet and strikes down once upon the head of the spike nailing his prey to the bed. Another scream starts in the throat but produces nothing more than a weak gurgle caught in the dead mans throat. Grabbing his case Xylander exits the room to let body to be found by another. Leaving the front door of the house open and making his way down the street to the sound of the steady rain beat upon his cloak and disappearing into the night.

---------------
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#3
I have to say, that was very good.

Only criticisms I have are a couple of grammatical and punctuation errors, but thats it.

I hope to see a second installment.
#5
ahh dude. ditch the lame ass character attributions if your teacher likes GOOD writing. said will do you fine, because, if you develop a story correctly and are doing a good job of setting the mood, and intelligent reader doesn't need to be told of the mood etc. add Xylander's whispers, it makes more sense grammatically than, xylander whipsers,
#6
not aware should be unaware, and you are missing alot of commas. when you are done your good copy ill edit it for you if you want ahah
#7
wouldnt the spike instantly kill him without the aid of a hammer? I mean, its nailing him via his brain right?

gd story tho, but I dont get why he dreams happy memories of his wife yet paid to have her killed... expand on that mebbe?
tl;dr : IM BETTER THAN YOU
#9
Good, but a couple of minor grammatical and spelling errors, like 'scull' is spelt 'skull'.
Also, 'Grabbing his case Xylander exits the room to let body to be found by another.'. Some mistakes there are pretty obvious like the sentence structure, but after describing an action in the opening of a sentence like that, you should have a comma before the name comes; 'Grabbing his case, Xylander exits..'.
Also, you're switching between past and present tense halfway through.
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#10
thank you for all the responses, this isn't something for a class just an idea that i had laying in bed thinking that someone could be holding a spike over my eye right now and then i thought up the characters. Yes i have played oblivion and some ideas were taken just because i couldn't think of a name for some things but the organization to which Xylander is a part of is more than just a murdering group I have thought it out to be more or a total underground secret society with an unknown goal. I'll be sure to change that to unaware thanks.
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
Death Cab For Cutie
Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
Pride Tiger

My cousins band from Vancouver-NWOBCHM- myspace.com/scarstruckmetalband
#12
Quote by rocknrollrob
wouldnt the spike instantly kill him without the aid of a hammer? I mean, its nailing him via his brain right?

gd story tho, but I dont get why he dreams happy memories of his wife yet paid to have her killed... expand on that mebbe?


He wasn't having a dream of happy memories he was dreaming of her getting killed "hearing her screams, his face alight with joy"
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
Death Cab For Cutie
Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
Pride Tiger

My cousins band from Vancouver-NWOBCHM- myspace.com/scarstruckmetalband
#13
It was ok in my opinion.
However, the characters lacked depth (I know it's a "short" story).
I also could have been longer.
Aside from that, there were several gramatical errors and your paragraphing is poor.
Lastly, the violence is over the top - it makes the writing seem unintelligent. Let your description create the tension - not simple blood and gore.

But yeah, I liked it haha. :P
#15
Hmmm.....didn't read past the first couple of lines.
With a name like that he shouldn't be driving a black sedan...........Maybe like a armour plated horse or something.

name theguy steve or sumthin.
The UG churches Tabernacle maintenence guy.

I suvived the Bannecide.
#16
Quote by Adamus9
thank you for all the responses, this isn't something for a class just an idea that i had laying in bed thinking that someone could be holding a spike over my eye right now and then i thought up the characters. Yes i have played oblivion and some ideas were taken just because i couldn't think of a name for some things but the organization to which Xylander is a part of is more than just a murdering group I have thought it out to be more or a total underground secret society with an unknown goal. I'll be sure to change that to unaware thanks.

Try paying Assassin's Creed if you're into that sort of thing, it seems very relevant.
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Quote by marko'd
dont sweat how quick your progressing, i heard that Jimi hendrix didnt get his legendary guitar skills until he was dead


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+ MOTHERFUCKIN' 1
#17
Quote by HangmaN47
Hmmm.....didn't read past the first couple of lines.
With a name like that he shouldn't be driving a black sedan...........Maybe like a armour plated horse or something.

name theguy steve or sumthin.


The name is supposed to create a idea for the character that he is special, He is a agent of a ancient secret society
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
Death Cab For Cutie
Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
Pride Tiger

My cousins band from Vancouver-NWOBCHM- myspace.com/scarstruckmetalband
#18
Steven stood ontop of a hill, looking towards the green lush land infront of him, Breathing in the crisp clean air, whilst the blue sky rests above of him, he looked nervously around the landscape, he began to breathe heavily, as if he had iron lungs.

The land started to melt and fluxuate colors, Red to green to black, he put his hands infront of his eyes, they too where metling with the world, be slamed his pals upon his face and screamed to the sky, as himself and the world metlted.

And that's when Steven noticed he was ****ed. ****ed forever.
#19
Does anyone knwo any good sites for writers, like deviantart is for artists/photographers
#20
so what kind of story is it supposed to be? it seems just like murder porn to me. i guess it counts in whatever genre eli roth and saw are in, but i wouldnt consider that actual horror.
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..
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I have no opinion on this matter.
#21
Quote by HangmaN47
Hmmm.....didn't read past the first couple of lines.
With a name like that he shouldn't be driving a black sedan...........Maybe like a armour plated horse or something.

name theguy steve or sumthin.


I think that "Thunderhorse" would suffice.

Good story, nice descriptive work. I have a good mental image of what happened and the surrounding area, which is most impressive.
#22
Euclid Xylander sounds rather over the top to me. He sounds like someone from a secret society. I think it'd be interesting if you made the beginning of the story a bit more ambiguous about what his 'task' is. Keep the reader wondering.

I think you could be a bit more descriptive as well, maybe set the mood of the setting more. I think it'd be interesting if you went into a more in depth profile of the spike. Try to integrate some more figurative language.

Also, there are just a couple of tense errors you'll want to fix.

Its a great start, I just think you could do a bit more with it.
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#23
Quote by snipelfritz
Euclid Xylander sounds rather over the top to me. He sounds like someone from a secret society. I think it'd be interesting if you made the beginning of the story a bit more ambiguous about what his 'task' is. Keep the reader wondering.

I think you could be a bit more descriptive as well, maybe set the mood of the setting more. I think it'd be interesting if you went into a more in depth profile of the spike. Try to integrate some more figurative language.

Also, there are just a couple of tense errors you'll want to fix.

Its a great start, I just think you could do a bit more with it.


he is
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

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#24
I guess my point is that its too obvious. But that's just my opinion of course.
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#25
perhaps that is a way of giving the reader some back story.
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3 inches of blood
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#26
sorry, but i cant see this being a whole novel. a portion of a short story? yes. decent job, though. if you work on it, trust me, it'll get better, you have some talent i think
#27
This never was meant to be a fully story sorry if the topic title was a bit misleading its just an idea that i had
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
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#29
You don't even have to give the killer a name, really. It will keep the reader guessing throughout the entire story. If you intent upon keeping the name, you don't need to add the Xylander part. Just call him Euclid.
#31
this is my first real attempt at writing so i think for that I have done a good job
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
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Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
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#32
Quote by Adamus9
this is my first real attempt at writing so i think for that I have done a good job


If you say so.
#33
the intro as really good, sounds like it would be a better graphic novel like 300 or something
#34
anything else this is the last bump i'll give this then let it die
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
Death Cab For Cutie
Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
Pride Tiger

My cousins band from Vancouver-NWOBCHM- myspace.com/scarstruckmetalband
#35
I had to write a short story once, I wrote it about Nevermore buying an iguana but discovering Chris Broderick has already bought the last one.

Anyway, yours seemed very short, and you could have been more descriptive, but apart from that I liked it. You built up the mood fairly well and I liked how you didn't say much about the main character. I think you should describe the surroundings more though, I didn't like how you just said "Walking into his prey's room" and "the dark house", I think you should have said more about the room and the house, but that's the only real criticism I have.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#36
well to be honest i wrote this at like one in the morning but i'll revise it later just wanted a opinion on whether it was worth revising
Raise Your Hand If you Like:

3 inches of blood
Amon Amarth
Coheed and Cambria
Death Cab For Cutie
Every Time I Die
I Killed the Prom Queen
In Flames
Pride Tiger

My cousins band from Vancouver-NWOBCHM- myspace.com/scarstruckmetalband