#1
Maybe a song? Definitely my old style. I found out I actually hate this, but would love to make something out of it. Too bland, eh?

/////Edit : Worked around on it. It's pretty different, I think. I like it a little better yet. Still a lot of room for improvement methinks, keep critiques coming. I return everything. Sometimes a month late, but I do.
________________

Foundations explode.
And I want us to stop at this
precise instant.

Right after the detonation.
When bodies are still pinned up,
mid-air.
When we still hear the cracking of the wood,
the melting of steel.
The tearing of outsider flesh and
Whispers in foreign ears.

Stop.
Stand still.
Same frame.
No debris against your skin yet,
Just a hint of unknown landscapes.
No mountains blocking the sunset.
No blister on red hot cheeks.
We haven't burned to the ground yet,
and it's still not too bright to see
We are not going down yet,
so why do you let go of me?

Impact.
#2
Quote by circular.parade
Maybe a song? Definitely my old style. I found out I actually hate this, but would love to make something out of it. Too bland, eh?

________________

Foundations explode.
Explode sets the right tone, but being used in just the second word decreases it's impact. It also makes the other adjectives later on in the piece look rather weak. Always save the best till last.
And I want us to stop at this
very moment.
"moment"? Why not use millisecond, as in your title? Yes, it ma be a less poetic word, but "millisecond" looks like something breaking up, doesn't? The word, all those lines in it... and the sound of it, it sort of stumbles into a confusion which I suppose would happen at this moment in time. "moment" is not specific enough for a piece titled "millisecond", which is far more defining.

Right after the detonation.
Powerful, powerful line. "detonation" being the vital word, suddenly opening up the reader's eyes. It connotes that this is all someone's fault, and it is an unanswered question which is so often the case in a relationship.
When bodies are still floating up,
"floating" is kinda pathetic when you are trying to pinpoint this precise, explosive moment. I mean, have you ever read storm on the island by heaney? He wouldn't have dreamed of using the word "floating" next to explode etc. It's all about keeping the idea concise and reminding the reader of the theme's, keeping the image consistent. floating throws you because it coontradicts the other adjectives.
mid-air.
Don't know why the line break.
When we still hear the cracking of the wood,
the melting of the steel,
The idea of hearing melting doesn't appeal to me. "the sizzle of steel as it melts" however, does. Also, "the steel" seems weird, as if you're possessing the steel somewhat. I think "melting of steel" works better, and also doesn't cut up the flow as much with a double "the".
the tearing of the flesh.
In fct, I just realised all three have "the" before the noun, which I didn't like. I think "the" dulls the sounds in wood, steel and flesh, it softens them in so much as they don't carry the full weight of their sound through, thus making the hard sounds sort of just blend in with the line rather than stand out.
Whispers in foreign ears.
This was an intrguing line. "foreign" though is not brought up again in the rest of the piece and so part of me feels this could be reworded in a better way. I mean, is "foreign" really a neccessary word? How much does it add to the themaic concepts you're trying to get across, and does it really help emphasise this millisecond of time? I don't think it does.

Stop.
Stand still.
Same moment.
"moment" agan feels to vague and undefined. I kind of felt this part seemed a bit forced, I mean we're already stopped in a period of time; maybe this second look at the situation could be brought into the piece in a better way, maybe even just by repeating the line "right after the detonation" i think would be pretty cool. Keep the "stop" in there then lead in with the reptition. Adds a cool layer to the piece I would think, and you've got yourself a little hook if it were to be a song.
No debris against your skin yet,
I'll say this now, the "yet's" annoyed the **** out of me, they sounded disgusting and horrible and boring. They are distracting because they hint towards some future time when we are SUPPOSED to be concentrating on this millisecond. I think they should definitely be shot. nuff said on them. I liked this line, otherwise.
still your face tells all of pain.
"all of pain"? lol. sounds weak, Mat. "still" implies we already know of her (I guess) pained expression, but we don't, so I don't see the signifigance of "still".
We haven't burned to the ground yet,
and it's still not too bright to see
This line is too ambigous in that you don't finish it off. to see what? kind of put me off a bit. Was a bit wishy-washy in that it wsn't really adding anything to the piece or saying an awful lot that connected with the reader.
We are not going down yet,
so why do you let go of me?
LOVED THIS. Great, great idea executed well. Brilliant couplet.

Impact.
Yeah, top ending Mat, real nice.



It's good to see you posting pieces at a more regular rate now. You're a top writer and one of my favourites to critique. Definitely liked this one on the whole though I can see areas that can be improved.

If you could (big ask, I know) have a look at Spring Blinds? Love to know your opinion on it?

Thanks Mat.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 10, 2008,
#3
it really isn't too bland that way you present the idea is just typical and expected. plus, i don't really like the imagery you are using in this piece it seems pretty lame in my opinion. i think this is just one of the transistor pieces for you, it helps to write and you could probably salvage a couple of lines from this one but as a whole it just comes across kind of lame. it reminds me of that old game Escape Velocity you could download for free awhile back.
#4
Made some changes.
Jamie, thanks a whole lot. Hopefully things will develop tonight so I won't be able to get to it, but I will repay you the favor very shortly. I changed many things according to your comments.

And Jared, I couldn't agree more wholeheartedly. My writing have always been a little on the lame side, for some reason. You were right, however, as to this being much more of a writing exercise than a heartfelt piece.

Thanks to both you guys for honest opinions. It's greatly appreciated.
-Mat
#5
Jamie kind of kicked the hell out of this piece as far as critiquing goes. But he and I rarely agree on much. So I think I will be back. If not, I did enjoy it... but it wasn't a "gripping" read. I don't think I'd re-read it over and over, if you know what I mean. I think I'll be back though.
#6
Oh Mat it works beautifully as a song now.

Even the yet's fit, they provide it with more melody.

Swell.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Apr 13, 2008,
#7
Quote by circular.parade


Foundations explode.
And I want us to stop at this
precise instant.

would much prefer a comma after explode. There is something about the staccato that the period provides that put me off. I guess this works... but at the same time... its sort of boring. Like, I know it needs to be there, and its sort of intriguing... but at the same time, it felt throw away... you didn't really "grip" me here.

Right after the detonation.
When bodies are still pinned up,
mid-air.
When we still hear the cracking of the wood,
the melting of steel.
The tearing of outsider flesh and
Whispers in foreign ears.

Was with everything here except "the wood." the double 'the' read poorly. Other than that, I liked everything. Didn't understand the last line though. I tried thinking metaphorically and couldn't grasp onto anything... tried literally... but no one hears whispers in an explosion.

Stop.
Stand still.
Same frame.
No debris against your skin yet,
Just a hint of unknown landscapes.
No mountains blocking the sunset.
No blister on red hot cheeks.
We haven't burned to the ground yet,
and it's still not too bright to see
We are not going down yet,
so why do you let go of me?

Only thing I didn't like at all was the "stop." It's something I tried in a lot of my early pieces, and I don't think I ever got it to work quite right... this is the same to me. Neat idea... and if it worked it would be wonderful... but to me, you would be better off starting with stand still. says more and is the same idea. Whoever mentioned the "yet" above was right too. The whole, looking ahead thing really makes us lose focus on the "this moment" mentality, it works just as well without the yet. Would have liked "blisters on red-hot cheek" better. I just like the switch of the 's.' That last couplet is stellar.

Impact.

Another thing I tried in a lot of my earlier pieces... you pull it off infinitely better, however it still feels like it added no closure to the piece. Which, that may have been the intent, but to me, it seems like if this a moment ending you could have led into it with something a little more like, "Initiate Impact" for a last line. Not quite so sudden of a stop, and there is a transfer between the still frame moment and everything else. Plus, I like alliterations.


You've improved it. But, as a I said before, while it was a decent read.. its not something I'll keep coming back and re-reading. Very neat idea... it just feels like it needs some more polishing and re-thought to truly stand out.

-zC

If you want to, "Madame" or whatever piece is new when you get a chance. If not, don't worry... your last crit was much better than anything I've given you. So I'd call use even.