#1

My mouth caught one
or seven balloons (the
rubber your anniversary
called a surprise) fulla water
they popped in the
tunnel before my guts

So I end up hosting
this pool party behind
my ribs somewhere
and kids are pushing around
in every room having their
way with the furniture
jostling stomach acid on
the new leather couch

I just knock on my chest
say "keep it down" and
"put everything back
right where you found it"
say "I can feel that
big empty space you cleared out"
say "you can't dance there"

They're starting to play
flinchy fake music and
the beat tickles my throat

I can't sleep
until they sleep


This was a freewrite of sorts from earlier today.
Do with it what you can. Critiques will be returned.
Last edited by system at Apr 15, 2008,
#2
Get it to read better.

At the moment it flows quite badly. this may show the atmosphere of this place but it just deetracts from the piece.

The content was good, on the whole, I enjoyed it. I thought the last couplet was too blunt though, could've been said in a better way.

But the flow, and some of the enjambment was off. It could be changed.
#3
To fix the flow, I would suggest you fix the line breaks so that you group thoughts together, to make it read naturally.
To better explain:

My mouth caught one
or seven balloons
(the rubber your anniversary called a surprise)

full of water
they popped in the tunnel before my guts

now I'm hosting This pool party
behind my ribs somewhere

and kids are socktickling
in every room having their way with the furniture
jostling stomach acid
on the new leather couch

I just knock on my chest
say "keep it down"
and to put everything back right where you found it

say "I can feel that big empty space you cleared out"
say "you can't dance there"

They're starting to play this awful artificial music
the beat tickles my throat

I can't go to sleep
until they go to sleep

It might read better that way?
Quote by Wilson
I didn't realize I was being transformed until I was in her kitchen wearing an apron and frosting her cupcakes.
#4
Jammy has a point a good helping of lines in this piece seem like they accidentally found their way into the piece. " before my guts now I'm hosting " ****s up the first verse really badly, i really have no idea what you are trying to say with that line. the second verse is just a huge mess. third stanza is kind of clear but you have a few extra words like 'to put'. the last two stanzas are good, the fourth one shouldn't have 'this' in it. i really liked the way you closed it, but substance wise i don't really get where you're going with that finale.

basically, don't write drunk.
#5
Sorry for taking so long to get back to this.

I guess the end of the first stanza would make sense if I was at all fond of punctuation, in which case it would read "guts. Now I'm hosting/This pool party.." etc. But I didn't like how the punctuation looked in this poem, so I took (most of it) out.

I disagree about the line breaks (especially tizu's fix), but a few more opinions might change my mind.

I'm about to make a few edits, but nothing major, probably. Thanks for the input so far.
#6
I've got to say, I really enjoyed this. The rhythm throughout it was wicked. Almost rap-esque, with each line feeling like it belongs exactly where it is. Some of the lines seem to fall onto the next, and for me that really worked.

I read the piece in about 15 seconds, all because of that sweet, sweet flow.
#9
Once I wrapped my head around the structure I really enjoyed this piece. I love the way you have used something so simple, but managed to make it seem difficult by introducing an odd form to it.

What I mean by that is you have written something which seems to be about someone looking after a bunch of rowdy kids, but if you read into it and you want to find something deeper in it, I think you can. The final two stanzas are what makes it for me, especially the lines: "I can't sleep, until they sleep", as they bring the whole piece to a smooth conclusion.

Hope to read some more of your stuff in the future. I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my latest piece, a song called "Inside the Emptiness". It's a heavy rock/alternative, think Smashing Pumpkins Gish Era. Here's the link: Inside the Emptiness